About 5 years ago, I was in a relationship. By all accounts, it was going well. We were relatively happy, growing and people were calling us “Goals”. Then one day, I was having a serious conversation with myself and I concluded. I wasn’t going to marry this woman. I prayed about it for a few weeks and battled within my spirit before I finally put an end to a 4-year relationship. It hurt. But nowhere near knowing I couldn’t give her what she wanted – marriage. She told me that in the first few months, she was broken and she hated me. We were not talking for the first 6 months after the breakup. And in that time, I was hurting too. Here was this woman that I loved so dearly. Started dating at 17. I became a man within her love. We found each other and even though she was older, I never felt like we were never on the same page. For a while, I never thought I could love any like her. Well, that was until, you guessed it right, I fell in love again. The person I was dating for 4 years at the time of the breakup, she felt like the one that was getting away. Like how do you invest 4 years into someone and then they just walk? “They will find someone else and be happy and you’ll have lost out” Funny enough though, I never believed that anyone got away. It’s important to love like it’s your last chance at love. But I have never felt like one was the one that got away and it was the last chance saloon for me. You will date and meet great people, some will define a period in your life or even change your trajectory in life but not all are for the forever ride. And that’s okay. Everything works out for good. That ex-girlfriend is a happily married wife and a mother now. It’s not enough to say it but you have to believe it. Everything works together for good. I have never felt sad like I lost out on her since that initial period. You know why? I believe God’s will was done and I was part of her story. But that’s just it – a part. I don’t believe in soulmates but I believe that God ordains your steps. And it’s possible that the path takes you in a different route than what you expect. The picture up there is an interesting one. That exact stop that white car is parked, is the exact spot I parked when I spilled my heart out to someone I once loved. I sat there for over an hour telling her all she meant to me – we never amounted to much beyond drama and stories. I referenced that to say, I saw her this week with another man – one of many she has dated since we had our thing. I mentioned men, not to shame her but to highlight that we moved on. But to some people, we should be together. It’s always amusing to hear but when I saw her this week, I laughed at the idea that there was nothing left. The feelings of old were gone. And then I thought. Has anyone ever seen me as the one that got away? That would be interesting to find out. Seeing her out, she looked happy but more importantly, I was happy too. And like my ex-girlfriend, I thought to myself, I hope she is happy there. More than the one that got away, is the feeling that everything works out for good. I love where my life is. How things have turned out. Would they be different if I was with someone? Or one of the ones that “got away” I don’t keep an eye on what was. My happiness is current and whole. I like that. Don’t spend time dwelling on who you think got away. Be good enough for the now and for your future self that no one ever wants to run the risk of letting you go. There is none that got away. They just went – a different way. But you might very well still be on track. Stay up!
From the Macbook of The Wordsmith…
Thanks for reading as always!
New series out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!
Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated.
The eagle rules the skies Choosing to roam in the blues Floating into the realm of those beneath To feast Only when it chooses Therein lies the value It chooses Never allowing the winds or the skies to dictate It chooses When to soar And when it’s wings, to rest It drifts low And sends shivers further down shaky spines An eagle makes its intentions known Wings open or wings closed.
It was Sunday evening and I was leaving Safeway (Yoruba Demons, Weed, and a Safeway). Actually, I was sitting in my car in front of Safeway when a couple parked behind me and exited the car.
Hand in hand, they giggled and laughed into Safeway.
They were an African American couple in their late fifties or early sixties.
I watched them from my rear view mirror as they walked in and basically ignored it.
I thought I would have left the parking lot before they returned but I get lazy in my car sometimes after a workout.
I think I was scrolling through my Twitter timeline when they emerged from Safeway.
I looked up at the dashboard clock and realized that I had been sitting there for more than 20 minutes.
It didn’t matter very much when I looked up again and saw them still laughing and giggling.
They entered their car and I watched from my rearview mirror as they laughed and the man placed his left hand on her cheek, he said something to her and then leaned in to kiss her.
When they broke the kiss, she picked up his left hand and kissed the back of it.
I felt something but I tried to ignore again.
They lingered as he put the car in reverse.
And I felt it again, this time, I didn’t ignore. I stepped out of my car and said
“Excuse me, can I please ask you something?”
Surprised, the man said
“Sure”
I bent forward to get a better view of them inside their Toyota Rav4.
I asked
“How do you stay so happy?”
He smiled and looked over to her and then back to me before replying. He said
“If you know what I know about this woman, it is easy.
She gets me but more than that, she is good people”
I nodded in agreement and then she spoke and said
“We love each other everyday.”
I thanked them for their insight and turned to head back to my car. The man said with a slightly embarrassed look
“You saw all that?”
I nodded and said
“Yup and I’m glad I did. You guys have a good one”
“You too”
They both said and they drove off.
That interaction got me thinking about intentionality. I speak about it a lot.
Particularly with my friends and with my show.
I learned a few years ago about intentionality. You can be good in general but you can be intentional in how you choose to display your goodness or how you decide to be impactful with it.
Are you intentional in love? Forgiveness? Friendship? Trusting? Growing? Evolving?
I know it is easy to coast through life but the thing that separates the regular is intentionality.
Loving takes so much humility but more importantly, intentionality. As we are innately selfish, you have to choose love everyday like the couple I met.
Forgiving takes intention, you have to choose to shelve the hurt and the pain to let go.
Growing and evolving requires you putting active effort into the process.
Success requires intention towards perfection.
I find myself sometimes questioning my ability to be intentional.
Taking steps to live beyond the regular. Do I go the extra step to show my friends and family that I care?
Or do they just get the regular because they know I am a good person?
Think it through.
Think about what is the bare minimum in everything you do and then decide to be intentional about doing more.
It will set you apart.
You will be better for it, the world will be better for it.
And like the couple I met, you will have reasons to laugh into your old.
Thank you for reading and sharing my thoughts.
What are some things you will like to be more intentional about? Time with God? Working out? Trying new things?
Leave me a comment below and let me know.
I have a new challenge on my hands and I intend to dominate. It will take patience and effort but I am determined to be successful. But till then, stay up!
From the desk of,
The Wordsmith.
Thanks for reading as always!
New series out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!
Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated.
I could feel the heat in my ears.
Also in my fingertips. It felt like someone was standing behind me and forcefully pushing down on my shoulders. It just felt like a weight was on my shoulders and I couldn’t breathe.
We were sitting at one of the restaurants in the airport, I can’t remember what it’s called but I wasn’t paying much attention to anything else.
My mind was racing and back to a familiar place. A place I had hoped getting on a plane would keep away from – for good.
“So Dee, I didn’t want us to meet like this but I am glad that I was able to reach you before you got on that plane.
I know you must have a million questions and I promise, I am here to answer them all.
I am tired of having to keep you in the dark”
I just sat there silently.
Sandra pushed the cold bottle of water that she had just bought towards me.
I didn’t even look up. My eyes were fixed on a chip in the tile.
It truly felt like if I opened my mouth, it would be a watershed of tears.
With my left hand, I reached for the bottle and twisted the cap open.
I took two full gulps before I looked up and said
“I don’t even know the questions I should start with…”
He straightened up and then said
“I completely understand… how about this?
I’ll start with the things that I think you need answers to and you can fill in?
How does that sound?”
I nodded without making eye contact.
He started and said
“I have known your mother since we were in university and before she met your father, we were very much in love.
But we had different life goals at the time. I wanted to move to Ethiopia to work for Shell and your mother wanted to teach. Everything happened very fast and before I knew it, she was off to the States with your father.
I never even got the chance to stop her. She was gone.
And I had to settle with that for 6 years, until they moved back to Nigeria with you.
We met up and at first, I was just glad that she was back and I was able to spend time with her.
I very quickly noticed that she was still in love with me and I never stopped loving her anyway.
One thing led to another and we were sleeping together and basically living our lives outside of our marriages… yes I briefly got married but it didn’t last because I was not in love with her.
I loved and I still love your mother very much. “
I looked up with a scowl on my face and said
“So why didn’t both of you just get divorces? And save us all the pain”
He looked down and sighed before saying
“We should have. I totally know we should have.
But there are certain things I am not able to speak about. She has to be the one to tell you much of what happened”
Sandra placed her hand on my lap and said
“Dee, are you okay?”
I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. I just kept my head down and continued crying.
She moved in and hugged me tightly. It just set me off even more.
Out of the corner of my eyes, I could see people worriedly looking on, trying to decipher what was going on.
This went on for a couple of minutes and then I stopped.
I looked at him and said
“I need to talk to my mom”
……
HONEST MOMENT:For many of you reading this right now, I know the numbers, you won’t leave a comment. I think this blog is one of the purest forms of my expression. I am the most real here in what I write and what I create for you all. Your comments and interaction go along way. They encourage me to write more, post more, think outside the box and sometimes they simply make me feel better about life. Even as I write my novel, your words go a long way to fighting the imposter syndrome and doubt that sometimes aim to derail me.
So this is all to say, please leave me a comment when you read something. I am open to criticism as well. It’s the best reward a writer gets. Thank you all. Now back to this captivating story!
…..
After more than an hour in traffic, we pulled into our home.
I think all our workers were surprised to see me coming back so soon.
“Oga wetin happen?”
one asked.
I just ignored and walked into the house. There were people there.
Two of my mom’s childhood friends, and they immediately smiled when they saw me.
One of them, Aunty Dolapo brightly said
“Dee baby! Look at you all grown up.
You’re a big man now. I remember when I used to cradle you to sleep. See you now!”
As she rubbed my back.
I sheepishly smiled as my mom greeted Sandra
“Ehn, bawoni Sandra” (translates to how is it going?)
She knelt in courtesy to my mom and my aunts.
As she rose, the main door quietly closed. Everyone including my mom looked towards the direction of the hallway that connects the main entrance and the sitting room.
My mom curiously asked
“Did you guys close the door when you entered?”
I didn’t answer.
I knew what was about to happen. She wasn’t ready and somehow I was happy about that.
The hallway was dimly lit and connected a few rooms, so the image was going to come as a surprise.
A few moments passed and there he was.
My mother’s lover.
As he emerged, she gasped. They all gasped.
Not because they didn’t know who he was but because they were surprised he was there.
They all knew who he was from their time in college.
And I would later find out that they knew about them sleeping together for more than two decades!
My mom found the words and said
“Lamide, what are you doing here?”
He didn’t respond as he took a few more steps into the room.
A quick glance around the room and you could pick up the jaws of my mother’s friends off the ground.
They couldn’t believe what was happening.
“Olamide!
Ki lo wa se ni bi????”
She screamed at him.
He didn’t flinch and he moved closer. Then he said
“I didn’t think it was right for him to leave like that. You can’t push him away because your world is changing. He deserves all the love he can get.”
She snapped, and you could tell she was trying to hide something.
“Who are you to tell me what I can and cannot do???
Who gave you the right?!”
He took a step back.
“Who gave you the right?!”
She continued.
I stepped in and said
“Here I was thinking I was the fucked up one. I have attempted suicide. Wanting for the whole thing to end. Yet here you were with secrets so big that they have killed people for less.
You are evil.
You tried to ruin my world when you were living a lie! And you go to church and mount the pulpit like some holy person. You are fucking evil!
I wish my father could look into your eyes and see how much you lied to him and cheated on him for years!
Gosh I hate you!”
As I wrapped up. She quietly laughed amidst her tears and said
“He knew”
I didn’t hear her properly so I asked
“Huh?”
She looked up teary eyed and sniffling as she said
“He knew!”
I was shocked but she continued and said
“He always knew.
This was always his idea. Your father was a dog when I met him.
He wanted to be with anything, man, woman or whatever. I had to keep his secret and the whole marriage was a cover!
For many years, I had to pretend to love him and be happy. I couldn’t anymore. So I decided to be with someone who actually makes me happy.
And your father knew about the whole thing… It was all his idea”
I couldn’t believe her so I asked
“So why didn’t you just get a divorce?”
She laughed and said
“Omode lo n se e
(Your naivety is evident)
We didn’t get divorced because your father never wanted a divorce. He wanted to keep his ministry and getting a divorce would break that. And yes, more than accusations of him sleeping with men.
After all, there are men of god who lay with other men or people’s wives”
I was fully enraged at this point.
I started yelling
“So you and your husband had a plan to live your lives but you crucify me for being myself.
For something I am not even able to control?????
You are both devils. OMG!
I can’t even believe this shit…. Arghhhhh I wish I could strangle you!
I pray you rot in hell. You are wicked.”
Olamide stepped in and said
“Dayo, I know you are upset but we don’t need to say all that”
I turned to him and said
“Fuck off!”
He put his hands out and moved them as if to try and calm me.
I continued and said
“Why do you even care?!
She had you in the shadows for 22 years! And you are okay with that?”
He smiled and said
“I had to keep her close. It was the only way I could stay close to my son”
My mom screamed
“Olamide!”
My jaw dropped. Both my aunts sitting gasped and Sandra just stood shocked.
I moved forward and said
“Excuse you?”
He straightened up and said
“You are my son”
I shot a look at my mom and she couldn’t hide her face fast enough. More tears flowed down her cheeks.
I looked at my mother and said
“What is he talking about?”
She dropped her head and said
“Your father couldn’t have children!
It was part of what made him live so recklessly. I wanted children. I thought I loved him and when I found out I was pregnant, I didn’t even try to debate it.
He always knew you might not be his but he was willing to go along with the lie because it protected us”
I couldn’t believe the words coming out of her mouth.
He spoke next
“I knew something was off by how quickly your mother married him and how they ran to Boston.
I think she was pregnant and her family would have killed her. So she married the man that was ready and moved with him.
When I first set my eyes on you, I knew you were mine.
I was just glad God brought you back to me. I have always loved you from afar.”
“Yet you watched me suffer for years in the hands of this woman?
Some father you are”
I snarled back and stormed out.
Sandra followed me and soon we were gone.
…..
It had been three years since that day.
I hadn’t spoken to anyone in that room that day except Sandra.
And I was living in Virginia now.
One evening, I logged into Facebook after a long day of work.
I had so many friend requests, many of which I continue to ignore. As I was scrolling through, I clicked on the messages tab and noticed a few messages.
One of them was from Micah – remember him?
The deacon from way back.
Apparently, he had messaged me a few days before I opened the message.
He had won the visa lottery.
He was coming to America.
I don’t know why, but I smiled at the laptop and a soft voice said
“Babe, what is making us laugh?”
I moved my laptop to the couch with my left hand as she straddled me.
I said
“One of my childhood mentors is coming to America and wants to stay with us”
She smiled and said
“Oh thats dope. How long?
They can stay in the guest bedroom”
I nodded as she kissed me and said
“Look at us making adult decisions.”
I chuckled and she said
“Would this be before or after the wedding?”
while getting up and heading for the kitchen.
“After”
I said.
She stopped, turned and said
“Ooooh, so I’ll already be your wifey. “
I nodded and said
“Yes you will”
She did a shimmy dance with a huge smile on her face as she walked out.
I turned to my right and saw the stack of wedding invitations we were about to mail out and only one thing came to my head.
“WhatTheHeckMan!”
The End.
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There are few moments in life where things make you take a beat. Sometimes after a beating. Other times, after realizing that you need to truly stop and breathe. For years, the phrase “na me fuck up” was all too familiar. Stupid decisions, trusting wrongly, not speaking plainly and sometimes falling blindly. I would sit down and cry while beating up myself. “Sanmi, you should know better” “How could you?” I was mostly burned and forced to write pieces like Fuck Your Friendship. Burned by “friends” or “love interests”. I was always a feeler – I allowed myself to see the best in people. I get it from my dad. There was once someone that dragged my father’s name in public. I knew he was in the right but he kept his cool and kept encouraging us to be calm. One evening, I came back from school and I noticed a few extra cars outside. As I made my way in, I heard voices. The person had come with their family and friends to beg my father – they were on their knees asking for forgiveness. I wanted him to publicize it but he said no. The words he left me with have stuck. “In certain situations, you will learn lessons that you truly wish you could have avoided but they will shape you. Peace within you is a higher grade than public validation” It never really clicked for me until I became a man. I would sit down and beat myself for poor decisions. Why didn’t I listen to my friends about this person or why did I stay in that situation? Why did I let them back in? All that and more. But here is the truth, you will make mistakes and with all the lessons I have learned, I still make them. The best you can do is continue to improve as you go along. Have a short memory for the fuckups but cherish the growth points and the future you will have with those lessons. So 2018 has been filled with less “Na me fuck up” moments. People will always try to drag you back and remind you of your fuckups but stay focused. Seriously. It will be hard and you may be down on yourself. But don’t let it linger. I used to say there was no one I regretted being friends with or dating but there is one person. While we shared some great times, they make me regret ever knowing them. And it is easy to wallow. You want to continue to kick yourself! But to what end? Oh, he was playing you? She never really loved you and she used you? Okay, it has happened and you have learned. Now stand up and forgive yourself. Yes, not them. Forgive yourself for the guilt, pain, shame, and rage you feel. You are amazing and you will continue to live and learn. You will still make more of those mistakes and you will scale challenges with ease – you are evolving.e Every single day. And yes, you deserve some accolades!
What are some things that have had you saying “na me fuck up” lately? Comment below and let’s talk.
Thanks for reading as always!
Black.Gay.Waiting Part 4 out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!
Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated.
