The Man, The Shadow: Diary of a Lost Soul

I’ve lost
I’ve gained
My life has changed
Nothing is the same
Scars and pains
Crossed our names
Regret and shame
A dawn of a new age
The past feels like a burden
It all spun out in a sudden
There are memories to grasp
Some that will hold you back
As I stare in this pool of tears and laughs
I flash back
To a time where it all laid flat
No mountains to climb
Or valleys that doubled as death traps
A lair for an ambush
An open forum to disseminate the truth
This is life
This is the bread that hardens in the sunlight
Tasteless
It rips and shreds
Like dried rose petals
The colors bloom and then fade
One thing remains
Me
I’ve loved and lost
I’ve tried again and wanted more
But life is like a revolving door
Some in and others out before a new dawn
I’ve lost while in love
And there is more and more
This is me
The one that matters at the end of it all

          I woke up as the convoy pulled into the house. There is a notorious bump in the driveway to my grandaunt’s house that cars always had to go over as we arrived. It woke me up and I looked around.
We were home.
I wasn’t the only one asleep on the ride from Lagos to my hometown, Ilawe Ekiti.
That 4hour drive had always been gruesome and painful but since I moved out of Nigeria, it was more bearable.
I actually looked forward to it now since I didn’t get a chance to come back home often.

We all dismounted the car as I stretched. The maid Monsurat, ran out and came to greet us. There was a beaming smile on her face. Pure joy.
Monsurat, now a college graduate, began to work for my grandmother when she was 14. I was 10.
I remember her going to a day school closer to the house while we were at “better” schools.
My aunt made sure that she got an education while also taking her under her wing as both of her parents were extremely poor.
She was so happy to see us. Hugs as we made our way into the house, the beautiful aroma of the traditional Isapa soup greeted us.
I could hear the Iyan (Pounded yam) getting made in the back of the house.
Memories.

My grandmother was not home. Apparently she was out running errands with one of my aunts as preparations for my cousins wedding drew to a close.
From far and near, the house filled up by nighttime. I woke up from my nap on the living room couch to a new wave of arrivals.
My cousins the Adesina’s, had just arrived. Their family was the first to hit wealth in our extended unit. My aunt Bunmi, married an oil magnate in the late 70’s and six children came as a result. The last two are much closer to me in age but the rest are distant in age and interactions.
Her last born was getting married, Jolade. She was the last born and only girl my aunt had, you can imagine how spoiled she was.
We couldn’t stand her growing up but she very quickly grew into a phenomenal woman, and at 28 she is one that we are all really proud of.

“Meji! It’s been a minute”

She called out as she hugged me tightly. She was like a big sister to me.
Warm and always very protective especially during my secondary school days as we went to the same school. Our family had connections at one of the finest local boarding schools. So it was almost a rite of passage to get your life experience there.

“Mj, you look good!
Team beard gang now I see? You better shave it before they think you are part of Boko Haram o”

I smiled back and said

“So you want me to cut it tonight? So I can be fresh faced for your wedding this weekend?”

I laughed as she squeezed her face in disapproval.

“You better don’t try it. I need you giving them sultry looks at the wedding. Let those young girls know we have fine men in our family!”

I nodded and smiled hard as someone hugged her and moved her along.
Side conversations were happening as the living room was filled up. It was out of the corner of my eye that I noticed Juwon.
He is Jolade’s immediate older brother and the terrier of the family. And for a few reasons he did not like me.
This I understood very well and I always played my part in avoiding interactions with him. But that day it almost boiled over.
I was walking back from getting Suya (Skewered meat with spices) with another one of my cousins. As we made our way into the compound, I could hear someone on the phone but it was dark, so I couldn’t make out the face.
Nearing person, I realized it was Juwon. As we walked past him, I heard him hiss very loudly.
I had every intention to let it slide but something in me refused to let it be.
I stopped and as I was about to turn around, my other cousin with me said

“Mj, let it be”

My family called me Mj because as a kid, I loved Michael Jackson and I would mime all his songs but also because it was a cool shortening of my actual name.
I turned and said

“Sola, I go meet you inside”

I don’t know if it was the palm wine I drank at the suya joint but I walked up to Juwon and said

“Hey, what the fuck is your problem?”

Now for context, Juwon is about 8 years older than me.
He ended the call and said

“Do you know who the fuck you are talking to?”

I scoffed and said

“Juwon, we aint kids no more and you are not in charge of shit around here. I have kept my mouth shut all these years out of respect for your sister and this family. But best believe that if you cross me, I don’t care how old you are, I will fuck you up.
You don’t know me and lets keep it that way”

He seemed visibly taken back but gathered himself to say

“You kept your mouth shut because you have dirt too and that doesn’t change the fact that I am not your mate”

I moved up closer to him till there was only about an inch of space between us and I said

“Listen to me clearly, don’t fuck with me”

As my last word tailed off, I heard the generator in the back of the house roar and noticed one of my uncles and my mom walking through the main gate.

“Ki le yin se ninu okunkun eyin boys”
“what are you boys doing in the dark out here”

My mom said as they walked into the house. My mom put her hand on my head and playfully rubbed it as all four of us walked back into the house.
She knew what had almost happened. There were secrets within our family.
And almost everyone had a chapter they tucked away.

……

The next day was a Thursday. It was in the evening as we did a “meet and greet” of extended families.
The grooms family, mostly staying in hotels in the area, came to the house.
Just think of a huge barbecue with a catered chef and unlimited drinks.
Some more of our family members had arrived and it was beginning to seem like a struggle to keep track.

But it was a good time. Good music, good vibes and just all round fun with everyone.
I was even beginning to notice some beautiful women on the grooms side, this union seemed like the beginning of a fruitful partnership. 😊

I think it was because I was at home and there were upwards of 80 people there but I wasn’t keeping track of how much I was drinking.
I was getting really tipsy and usually when I do, I get really quiet. Which is exactly what I did.
My vision was blurry as I tried to look at my phone.
I rose and told my cousin Sola that I was going to lay down for a bit and come back.

I made my way into the house and towards my room. Sola and I were sharing that room.
As I opened the door the lights invited themselves into the room without knocking.
Creeping through the lines in the curtains, they allowed me to take in enough of the view laid bare before me.
It was her.
Her curves, her smile shined bright in the dimly lit room. She got up and leaned in to kiss me.
One kiss.
And I moved to kissing her around her neck. Holding the back of her head in my left hand, my wet tongue canvassed her neck as she moaned into my left ear.

My right hand rummaged through quickly and found safety within her blouse.
Alternating between soft and firm squeezes of her breasts, my hand cupped them with love and control.
She moaned some more.
The kisses got fainter and I soon flipped her over.

Back lifted, I pulled down her panties faster than I downed the drinks from earlier.
A few more kisses around her navel and my lips met with hers.
It was sweet and wet.
The more I kissed them passionately, the more they flooded the creases around my teeth.
The cavity of my mouth was filled up with her juices.
My tongue worked tirelessly getting to know her.
My brain orchestrated my tongue as I twisted and turned exploring her depths.
Deeper and deeper I went, searching for things words could not express. She moaned faintly but the blasting music from outside drowned out her voice.

There is a dedication to the way I explored her pink.
The layers, the moist, the ability to command my attention; I loved it all.
My throbbing member, laid in waiting, joined the party.
The condom proving the thinest and most important barrier between us and newness, I dug deep.
Thrusting and grinding, I slid in and out.

Minutes passed and over I turned her.
From the back, it seemed like I saw all of her.
Flaws and all, I identified her reaches, highs and lows.
As she threw all of herself back into me, it felt like I was meeting her again.
Reintroducing myself without saying my name.
Her moans signified agreement as I pulled her hair and she bit down on my fingers.
Harder, I pounded as the pain coursed through my hands and into my widened hips.
Her head tilted all the way back, her moans were laced with profane words as my balls offered a steady sensitivity that I refused to offer outside of the bed.
And in time, I came.
A kiss on her back. I slid out of her and stood up.
Condom off, lights in the bathroom soon went on.
I wrapped the condom in some toilet paper and flushed it down the toilet.
Turning the faucet on, to cold water, I stroked my still upright member as I dabbed on some hand soap into the mix.
It only took a few minutes and I was satisfied with the wash down.
And then it happened.
I saw me.
As I glanced into the mirror, I was washed with disgust.
At myself and the emptiness in the sexual encounter I had just authorized.
I stood there and watched the sweat still dripping down my chest and shook my head.
A flick of the wrist and the scene closed out.
I headed back into the room and there she was, gently snoring away.

I snuck into my bed and laid on my chest.
I finally caught my breath and right before I could think, she wrapped her hands around me and snuggled up close to me.
I cringed.
Don’t get me wrong. I liked her.
But for some reason, I hated when she touched me.
I was so tired though, a few minutes later, I was gone.
Knocked out.

You know when you are asleep and in a dream but hearing things from your reality? Like your mom’s really loud voice calling your name or your aunt shouting

“Monsurat, Monsurat”

around the house.
It took me a few seconds before I jumped out of my sleep. Startling the lady that was sleeping on me.
She looked at me in shock as she gathered herself and I tried to apologize without being too loud.
Then my aunt yelled out again as she knocked on doors

“Monsurat!”

I turned to my right and my eyes grew big. Hers too.
Oh no!
#WhatTheHeckMan

End of Part 1…

Welcome to your first rollercoaster ride of 2017. Buckle up, it gets bumpy! 😊 If you’re mad at that ending, leave me a comment .

Thank you for READING. PLEASE COMMENT, it boosts my intensity and feedback is always welcome! ❤️

It’s Part 1 of The Man, The Shadow: Diary of a Lost Soul by The Wordsmith @adewus4real
PART 2 drops next Saturday!
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