Damaged Goods

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The One That Never Comes by Asa

 

IMPORTANT NOTICE: In January, I will stop writing on #WhatTheHeckMan. I’m sorry but JUST KIDDING!!!! What I will like to do for the beginning of the year though is to do a “Behind The Writer” edition of my blog. Basically, I will spend that day answering questions all of you have for me. So PLEASE LEAVE YOUR QUESTIONS IN THE COMMENT SECTIONS BELOW. AS MANY AS 10 per person. I’ll pick the TOP 24 I like and answer them for you all in that piece! I’M DOING THIS SO ALL MY READERS,  SUPPORTERS AND WHOEVER ELSE IS LEFT CAN GET TO KNOW THE WRITER A BIT MORE AND UNKNOWN THINGS ABOUT ME.

ASK ANYTHING!!!!!

I LOOK FORWARD TO IT!!!!!!!!!! Now here is Damaged Goods

 

I never realized my pain

Till one Friday in fourth grade

I must have just turned eight

Sitting alone in the corner

I felt might friends could not relate

My mother had called the night before

Telling me she wasn’t coming home for Christmas

The ticket was too high to afford

So I showed up to school

Acted like I wasn’t fazed

Everything was cool

My friends even invited me out to the pool

I sighed inside

I was already drowning in one with my emotions with no lifeguard in sight

 

I’ve been in the same job for 3 years

I could go

Leave

Push myself and look for self increase

But I’ve been comfortable

I hate change

I hate variables

Let me stay here

I’m in control of the situation

No outside threats from anywhere

My fears are magnified

The continue to leave me impaired

Like a car in neutral

I can move but really not go anywhere

She just stormed off

Because I asked her not to take the brakes off

Slowing in down

I just wanted to hide in the shadows

Somewhere beneath the clouds

My insecurities scarred me

Made it hard for me to understand why anyone would love me

My mommy hadn’t been there to protect me

She was out working hard to give us money

To give us a better life and opportunity

But forgetting that this side of me was the most important story

 

Blame

Shame

Self doubt

I’ve been involved in many mind games

I’ve spent many nights in search of fame

Planning how to make it big

So each and every one of you can remember my name

Thinking maybe when you all start to clap for me

It will all feel normal

Somewhat sane again

 

I gave her all of me

My virginity

My Honesty

For her I honed and worked on my integrity

But she left me with no warning for the big city

It broke me

From the darkest parts of me

It invoked me

And then I went into hiding

Behind the great Wall of promiscuity

And uncertainty

Never giving enough of me

For anyone to think they had me

 

New Series will be called “My Eyes” or “Perception”

 

Friends tried to get me to come along

But I was there for so long

I caught feelings for the wrong one

And treated me like I was the only one

Her name was sorrow

Honest and quiet

She let me know that she wasn’t there to borrow

Told me I was great

But I shouldn’t make plans for tomorrow

She told me the search for happiness was futile

Something like a pointless furrow

She hosted a party in my chest

She invited all her friends

Depression, anxiety and fear

Body image issues couldn’t attend

So she sent suicidal ideation instead

They ate everything

Leaving me naked and vulnerable in my stead

 

This has been my journey

My story

So please don’t tell me you love me

I’m broken

Not ready

I don’t know what to do with being happy

Its so alien in the depths of me

I’m tired so fucking tired of fighting

Who ever wants to be patient with me

Hold it down for me

Even when I push and tantrum out like a teething baby

Forgive me

I have a history

Dark and scary

Its truly hard to understand me

But I’m resigned to slowly moving along

Some day I might get it right

Barely

But for now

Gently place me back in my box

I’m clearly damaged

So end me back to the factory

Call customer service

Hopefully you can get a refund

Cos I’m damaged goods

And I obviously belong to no one

 

DO NOT FORGET TO LEAVE YOUR QUESTIONS IN THE COMMENT BOX BELOW 

Repeatedly and effortlessly, we allow adversity and insecurity to weigh us down. Trying to strike a balance between life and self worth. We sometimes conclude that we are worthless, empty and void.

I wrote Damaged Goods because I connected to the pain of those that feel empty. Unlovable. Alone. Tired.

Certain situations in my life have contributed to the notion I carried in my head that nobody could love me. I was severely bullied as a kid. Grew up with a huge inferiority complex as I hated myself and became puzzled as people attempted to shower me with love.

I allowed it to become part of my internal working model, that I was damaged goods. No matter how shiny or presentable I was, I would soon be found out as “not good” enough and discarded.
Boy was I wrong. And today I want to speak to those of you that feel that way.

Life has no return policy for situations and tests it puts us through. But we have a right to not let those situations make us feel like we are damaged goods.People will lie, depression might come but I have this belief that no matter how hard it is, as long as the sun rises the next day, there is a chance that it will be alright.

So forgive those that have hurt you or wronged you. And find love in you, the true you. Not the made up one or the “fluffy” one you have up for social media. Fall in love with you. Flaws and all.

Remember your first car or phone; it usually had one distinct defect. Either a dent or scratch or a part of the screen that was scratched but we loved it. In our eyes, it was perfect.

Fall in love with yourself like that again. And take it from me, you are beautiful and special in your own way. I hope you see it. And you throw your receipts of pain away.

 

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