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The One That Never Comes by Asa
IMPORTANT NOTICE: In January, I will stop writing on #WhatTheHeckMan. I’m sorry but JUST KIDDING!!!! What I will like to do for the beginning of the year though is to do a “Behind The Writer” edition of my blog. Basically, I will spend that day answering questions all of you have for me. So PLEASE LEAVE YOUR QUESTIONS IN THE COMMENT SECTIONS BELOW. AS MANY AS 10 per person. I’ll pick the TOP 24 I like and answer them for you all in that piece! I’M DOING THIS SO ALL MY READERS, SUPPORTERS AND WHOEVER ELSE IS LEFT CAN GET TO KNOW THE WRITER A BIT MORE AND UNKNOWN THINGS ABOUT ME.
I LOOK FORWARD TO IT!!!!!!!!!! Now here is Damaged Goods
I never realized my pain
Till one Friday in fourth grade
I must have just turned eight
Sitting alone in the corner
I felt might friends could not relate
My mother had called the night before
Telling me she wasn’t coming home for Christmas
The ticket was too high to afford
So I showed up to school
Acted like I wasn’t fazed
Everything was cool
My friends even invited me out to the pool
I sighed inside
I was already drowning in one with my emotions with no lifeguard in sight
I’ve been in the same job for 3 years
I could go
Push myself and look for self increase
But I’ve been comfortable
I hate change
I hate variables
Let me stay here
I’m in control of the situation
No outside threats from anywhere
My fears are magnified
The continue to leave me impaired
Like a car in neutral
I can move but really not go anywhere
She just stormed off
Because I asked her not to take the brakes off
Slowing in down
I just wanted to hide in the shadows
Somewhere beneath the clouds
My insecurities scarred me
Made it hard for me to understand why anyone would love me
My mommy hadn’t been there to protect me
She was out working hard to give us money
To give us a better life and opportunity
But forgetting that this side of me was the most important story
I’ve been involved in many mind games
I’ve spent many nights in search of fame
Planning how to make it big
So each and every one of you can remember my name
Thinking maybe when you all start to clap for me
It will all feel normal
Somewhat sane again
I gave her all of me
For her I honed and worked on my integrity
But she left me with no warning for the big city
It broke me
From the darkest parts of me
It invoked me
And then I went into hiding
Behind the great Wall of promiscuity
Never giving enough of me
For anyone to think they had me
New Series will be called “My Eyes” or “Perception”
Friends tried to get me to come along
But I was there for so long
I caught feelings for the wrong one
And treated me like I was the only one
Her name was sorrow
Honest and quiet
She let me know that she wasn’t there to borrow
Told me I was great
But I shouldn’t make plans for tomorrow
She told me the search for happiness was futile
Something like a pointless furrow
She hosted a party in my chest
She invited all her friends
Depression, anxiety and fear
Body image issues couldn’t attend
So she sent suicidal ideation instead
They ate everything
Leaving me naked and vulnerable in my stead
This has been my journey
So please don’t tell me you love me
I don’t know what to do with being happy
Its so alien in the depths of me
I’m tired so fucking tired of fighting
Who ever wants to be patient with me
Hold it down for me
Even when I push and tantrum out like a teething baby
I have a history
Dark and scary
Its truly hard to understand me
But I’m resigned to slowly moving along
Some day I might get it right
But for now
Gently place me back in my box
I’m clearly damaged
So end me back to the factory
Call customer service
Hopefully you can get a refund
Cos I’m damaged goods
And I obviously belong to no one
DO NOT FORGET TO LEAVE YOUR QUESTIONS IN THE COMMENT BOX BELOW
Repeatedly and effortlessly, we allow adversity and insecurity to weigh us down. Trying to strike a balance between life and self worth. We sometimes conclude that we are worthless, empty and void.
I wrote Damaged Goods because I connected to the pain of those that feel empty. Unlovable. Alone. Tired.
Certain situations in my life have contributed to the notion I carried in my head that nobody could love me. I was severely bullied as a kid. Grew up with a huge inferiority complex as I hated myself and became puzzled as people attempted to shower me with love.
I allowed it to become part of my internal working model, that I was damaged goods. No matter how shiny or presentable I was, I would soon be found out as “not good” enough and discarded.
Boy was I wrong. And today I want to speak to those of you that feel that way.
Life has no return policy for situations and tests it puts us through. But we have a right to not let those situations make us feel like we are damaged goods.People will lie, depression might come but I have this belief that no matter how hard it is, as long as the sun rises the next day, there is a chance that it will be alright.
So forgive those that have hurt you or wronged you. And find love in you, the true you. Not the made up one or the “fluffy” one you have up for social media. Fall in love with you. Flaws and all.
Remember your first car or phone; it usually had one distinct defect. Either a dent or scratch or a part of the screen that was scratched but we loved it. In our eyes, it was perfect.
Fall in love with yourself like that again. And take it from me, you are beautiful and special in your own way. I hope you see it. And you throw your receipts of pain away.
Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated.
Lookout for my new series next week. Name will be dropped on Wednesday.
© 2014 #WhatTheHeckMan
10 thoughts on “Damaged Goods”
“Throw your receipts of pain away” I like!
I LOVE IT!
Thank you for speaking for us lot! Will be back with the questions 😃
Freaking God yes. So much darkeness looms over me, and because I don’t know y’all and probably will never meet any of y’all I can comfortably say this poem speaks to my core. Every instance, every line, every transition. *wipes away tear* but I am going through it 😏. Although the words are so clearly penned, it is hard to accept the positives as truths of my own YET.
Geez so many emotions. Lemme stop.
I had to read this twice. There is this level of unworthiness one gets to that even when there are people trying to dish out advice or motivational words, all they see is their own reality. I guess the only way to truly come out of it, is like you said “loving yourself flaws and all” or actually if there is a significant change but definitely not easy.
I sincerely hope everyone out there feeling unloved or damaged gets to find that inner peace and satisfaction that begets loving oneself flaws and all.
Great piece Sanmi.
I love this !! Especially the last line ” Throw your receipts of pain away” . The feeling of unworthiness is something we all deal with at some point (or multiple points ) in our lives. I have some strongholds that i needed to let go as they were holding me back in life . Learning day by day to love all my beautiful imperfections and most importantly allow those who love and care for me to be there. Something you consider to be an imperfection is the same thing that makes someone out there think you are perfect !! Thank you for yet another beautiful piece , your words continue to touch and inspire people . Bless you Sanmi !!
A few of my questions :
– 3 things that inspire you the most
– Your biggest role model
– Favourite author / book
– If you could meet anyone tomorrow , who would it be ? why? and what would you do/say?
– If you had one day to do and say whatever you wanted with no repercussions , what would you do ?
– Are you going to be published?
– When will you marry……..me?
– What inspires you?
– Pet peeve when it comes to your blog or readers?
Just read this and you speak on behalf of soo many people,I hope peace and happiness would reach those who need it.
Few questions I would like to ask
– who is Sanmi?
-what inspires you to write and generally to take decisions in ur life?
– this is a bit personal but where are u based and what are u studying in school?
– please can you add like a discussion forum/panel to your blog?
– is your writings going to be forever and any plans of getting it published?
– What drives you to want to be a better person?
– How do you get through the tough times in life?
– In your opinion, Love is…
I look forward to getting to know a little more about Sanmi