This post has not been edited for grammar.

12:11am.

I was not sure how I wanted to start this particular blogpost – I usually like to have a theme for you all to take away but today, I think I just want to share.
I may or may not cry while I write this but who cares right?
I think I’ll title this post – “Questions”.
Yeah, pretty sure I have never titled anything that before. – welp, just wiped the first tears out of my eyes.
Am I asking for too much?

Let me set the scene for you.
I am in my bed.
My left leg is dangling over the edge of the bed while my right leg is half tucked under the sheets (extra sheets, Doc. We didn’t put that and the vacuum on the list and I never made it to HomeGoods today). 
My 24hr ever changing RGB light is blinking in the corner to my right.
My ceiling fan is on.
Do I need that and the air in the apartment right now? (My last electric bill was like $300 but they said there was a $200 deposit and $20 activation fee).
So I guess that means I can anticipate like $80/month?
Hmmm.

Back to the scene.
When I walked in, I didn’t take off my backpack. My tummy had been hurting all day – I am realizing that I have a longer term reaction to gassy dishes (I had beans for dinner the night before). So I walked straight to the kitchen and mixed a cocktail of Fiber supplements and poured myself a glass of wine.
Someone I used to be really close to Facetimed me last week and saw my bar (they told me I should be drowning in the Lord).
It felt a way hearing it but I guess we can all speak our minds right?
I walked to my room and set the glass and bottle of supplements down.
Took off my backpack.
Set it down – removed my laptop placed it on the bed and headed to the bathroom.
Before I took my clothes off, I washed my hands and slid off my rings – they get tighter sometimes after a full day and surprisingly just water gets them off.
I brushed my teeth and then changed into my night clothes.
I would love to tell you I took a shower before getting into bed but nope, I did not.
Shoot! I need a bed vacuum.

So here we are – and here comes the question that brought the tears – am I asking for too much?
Reciprocity and consideration are some of the beautiful gifts you can give someone.
When I talk to my friends about some of the things I hope for in love and in friendship and community – they say they believe I am not asking for too much.
So why do I feel guilty wanting to hold the line on certain things?
Why do I feel pressured to say yes to things or people that don’t do the same for me?
I know there are elements of my trauma that make me hyper sensitive to making sure I cater to some of the people I love in the ways they want but the emptiness I feel with that not being reciprocated, weakens me.

I used to tell people that I could imagine my wedding day – my dance with my mother, food flowing, great music (which I will help curate) and just amazing vibes.
But for years, I could not picture what my wife would look like.
Yes, I would see the other elements of the day but never a wife in the “vision” of the day.
A few years ago, that part became clearer. I could see it more.
You know something I struggle to see though – you know that part where the man gets up towards the end of the wedding and does the vote of thanks?
Yeah, I don’t see that.

It bothers me.
I am not overwhelmed right this minute but I feel like my life has been decision after decision of loving on people.
Holding people up but my heart doesn’t always feel cared.
Now before you, yes you, try to make this about you or how you are a great friend – don’t.
If you are good and doing all you need to do, just enjoy this read and move along.
and it’s the hope!
It’s the hope that kills you.
That one day they will get it like you do or that you will feel the love you know deep down you deserve.

Love is not always in grand gestures or orgasms.
It’s not in the sweet nothings or public displays.
It’s in the mundane like knowing exactly how I like my spaghetti or that Manchester United messes with my mood, so if we lose, send noods.
It’s in making me feel like if I fall you got me.
Like who makes sure I don’t forget my AirPods before a flight?
Who makes sure that I have the aisle seat so I can stretch my legs out into the aisle?
Who writes me hand written letters just because?
It’s in the “I gotchu” without ever saying it.

I want that.
Badly.
So again I ask, am I asking too much?

Changed the title to “Too Much?”

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