Fiction

I Choose You: To the Man, I Want to Be

Eniiwaju. Adewus. The Wordsmith. Legend.

Eniiwaju,

Thank you for persevering, for evolving and believing in yourself even when the chips are down.
You are gifted, talented and a kind person.
Some may read those and think I’m arrogant but after spending much of my adult life doubting and being afraid of my genius, I am reclaiming my slay.

The concept of the man I want to be has been sitting with me lately. People make the jokes about turning 30 soon and getting old or achieving this or that but the truth it, I just want to be a good man.
I want to be a man that my friends are proud of, that my parents and family rely on and that God is delighted in.

Earlier this week, I was faced with having an uncomfortable conversation with a friend. Tell the truth and hurt their feelings or be silent and it would blow over. I spoke up.
It was still hard but it’s more of the man I want to be.
A man of his word even in the most difficult.
29 is about challenging myself to be my best. I will be the man I am proud.
Thank you for watching me grow over the last 6-7years.
More creativity coming and more of Adewus, The Wordsmith that you will be proud to call your own.

Let’s get it! But before that, let’s review 2019 and project aspects of 2020.

Happy Birthday to Me!

This is me all through 29.

Faith: I started reading my bible again and truly taking my service in his vineyard more serious. We are on the path to redemption and taking my place in my home.

2019 Final Score – C+
2020 Expected Score – B+

Fitness: I’m back in physical therapy. It will go a long way towards me being whole again. I am also back in therapy, so mind and body will be touched this year.
I completed the 75Hard Challenge which was 75 days on a strict regimen. If for that alone, I killed 2019. More to come!

2019 Final Score – B+
2020 Expected Score – A

Creativity: I need an editor. I have so much written already. To my old editor, I know you will read this. You working with me on this forged a huge part of our friendship as well, let’s actually start our journey back?Y’all should beg my editor to come back o. If you want good and consistent content, they need to come back to full-time work. Seriously.

2019 Final Score – C-
2020 Expected Score – A

Finances: Around this time last year, God blessed me with a nice promotion to kick off the year. It was unexpected.
When I was laid-off in June and finished working in June, I was shook and depressed. I had goals! I had things to pay off. So much I wanted to do.
It derailed me a bit and that is why the score I have given myself is lower than I expected/projected but I think the thing it most emphasized is the fact that I need to save more and be extra diligent with my planning.
God almost doubled my financial blessings last year and I am so grateful. It has already positioned me to be able to do more.
I am going to be really aggressive this year.
So….

2019 Final Score – C+
2020 Expected Score – A+

Relationships: I have already committed to doing love right this year. I want to do it without fear, caution or trepidation.
Last year hurt. Like my love life was the ghetto – ratatata. I was stressed and unhappy.
I am ready this year.
First step this year is self-love. I am back in therapy and I am going to take care of me first before opening the door to external love.
My biggest prayer is that I am ready for the woman ready to choose me without fear and love me unapologetically.

2019 Final Score – F
2020 Expected Score – B

I will be back to update you on 2020 in 2021 but till we get there, let’s enjoy so much content to blow your mind this year.
Remember, you are AMAZING and I will celebrate you and with you all year.
Happy Birthday to US!

Thanks for reading as always!

Thank you for commenting. Here is to a fun 2020!
You are highly appreciated.

WordsOfWednesday/Birthday!

© 2020 #WhatTheHeckMan

Fiction

Bang!

We come to the people that hurt us for healing or decide we won’t move or heal until they validate the hurt they caused us.

– Adewus

Today I had a conversation with an abuser.
It was simple.
The FaceTime call came in, I answered at the office and the person asked one question.

“How do you know this girl?”

Not “how was work?. How are you?”
A woman I had never met before.

The next hour would be spent talking through their feelings, assumptions and perfections of me.
Then I stopped.
I noticed that my mood had changed, I was upset.
Heavy hearted.
And then thankfully, I had the presence of mind to remind myself that this wasn’t about me.

Said person had made me doubt myself before, question my purest thoughts and even start to feel like I was unworthy of love.
It got me thinking, why do we allow ourselves to go blind to the dangerous things that burned us before?
There is a need to continue to litigate our hurt and pain. We want to fully understand, conceptualize, rationalize it and then play chess master in trying to run the game again to this time, avoid the same outcome.
It hardly ever works.

Recently, I was exploring a friendship that I have been nurturing in private for almost a year. I started to ask myself recently, why haven’t we argued or fought? What is going on?
A part of me was unable to understand why the relationship wasn’t like some of the toxic ones I have had in my past.
And then it dawned on me, you have to actively realize that you are deserving of healthy liberating and empowering friendship and love.

Most of my sense of style comes from my father and growing up, he was always very particular about how we treated our clothes.
Most especially our church clothes.
He would love his shit if he saw us running around in them or not being proper in our Sunday best.
He used to say “it is not about the clothes really but some people will stain your clothes; knowingly and unknowingly”
Some know that their hands are dirty.
Others are unaware but if you allow yourself to continue spending time in spaces that have mud, whether they meant it or not, you will get stained.
Leaving the door open to an abuser is a direct bath to misery. Not always because they intend to but because that all they bring to the table.

You don’t kick someone out, change the locks and then give them the new code to your house so they can see how beautiful it is inside.

-Adewus

I’ve been actively running from friendships that don’t bring me peace, ground me while lifting me up.
As someone who immensely feels things, “losing” friends can be extremely hard but as I get older and wiser, I am starting to understand the value of protecting my peace. My sanity. My peace of mind.
Those things are not “pretty”. They are not always pronounced or easily discoverable like confidence or the glow but they are incredibly important.

It is also important to understand the triggers and the ways we enable abuse in our own lives. We have to take responsibility for it.
Most importantly, we have to we have to keep all the negatives out.
You don’t kick someone out, change the locks and then give them the new code to your house so they can see how beautiful it is inside.
Nobody does that.
You are responsible for genuine happiness and growth this 2020.
So block her, don’t call him back, delete his album on your phone. Breathe.
You got this.
Take control of your peace. You will be better for it. Your world will be grateful for it.

Till next time,

Stay Up!

Please Leave a Comment Below!

Thank you for reading!

Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2020 #WhatTheHeckMan

Fiction

Alarms

WordsOfWednesday

Alarms.

I remember the two times in my life that I slept through an alarm. The most recent was a couple of years ago after returning from Nigeria. I was so tired and sick but I had planned to go into work the day after I got back (bad idea).
I woke up around 3am and I couldn’t go back to sleep. Nothing was working.
So I decided to drink some NyQuil.
My thoughts were “at least it would knock me out for a few hours”

A few hours turned to waking up at 12pm. My manager in New York had called a few times looking for me and such, I was stunned when I woke up.
I stared at my phone and thought it was a mistake.
It wasn’t. I fixed the situation by thinking on my feet but damn it got me.

Alarms are annoying.
They are loud, obnoxious and necessary. Many times, anything that is a combination of all those things is not typically fancied.
They interrupt beautiful unearned but deserved sleep and cut short those dreams of you and Idris Elba or better yet, you and I.
Freaking alarms!
They however, are the focus of my piece today.

A few days ago, I began to think about how we use alarms in reference to our goals.
Many of us ignore the first alarm aka the first opportunity to take a leap at something.
Think about it, most of the ideas/goals/dreams/opportunities you have, come from various places but most fail to act the first time.
How many times have you thought about that business?
Or that trip? That job or that relationship?
And how many times have you hit snooze?

Alarms are similar to those goals.
We love to ignore the first sound of them, the first time the challenge comes or the first jolt into a new level.
We silence it.
And even for those that have decided to step up to the challenge, many still don’t.
You know how?
They set multiple alarms back to back. Basically using them as a safety net.
Eventually getting up but taking the long way and ignoring the calls to action.

Imagine not executing because you have placed multiple fail safes along the way. But what happens when you snooze too long and you “oversleep”?
Miss your opportunity to get ahead or set the tone? That you take your time and wait but someone else has now executed on your vision or gained more of the market share.
Many of us miss out on chances to be great because we ignore the first alarm. The first sound, call to action or simply, the first reminder.
Now I am not asking you to jump at everything immediately. There is value in being strategic.
But always know this, there is not fatigue felt on the day of victory.
I am not like Steve Harvey telling you not to sleep, please enjoy your sleep but remember you are working towards a life where alarms are not annoying but simple reminders of new opportunities for greatness.

Next time you hear the first sound at being great, jump at it.
You’ll be better for it and so will the rest of your world.
Till next time, stay up.

Stay Up!

Thank you for reading!

Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

#WordsOfWednesday
© 2019 #WhatTheHeckMan