We come to the people that hurt us for healing or decide we won’t move or heal until they validate the hurt they caused us.
– Adewus
Today I had a conversation with an abuser.
It was simple.
The FaceTime call came in, I answered at the office and the person asked one question.
“How do you know this girl?”
Not “how was work?. How are you?”
A woman I had never met before.
The next hour would be spent talking through their feelings, assumptions and perfections of me.
Then I stopped.
I noticed that my mood had changed, I was upset.
Heavy hearted.
And then thankfully, I had the presence of mind to remind myself that this wasn’t about me.
Said person had made me doubt myself before, question my purest thoughts and even start to feel like I was unworthy of love.
It got me thinking, why do we allow ourselves to go blind to the dangerous things that burned us before?
There is a need to continue to litigate our hurt and pain. We want to fully understand, conceptualize, rationalize it and then play chess master in trying to run the game again to this time, avoid the same outcome.
It hardly ever works.
Recently, I was exploring a friendship that I have been nurturing in private for almost a year. I started to ask myself recently, why haven’t we argued or fought? What is going on?
A part of me was unable to understand why the relationship wasn’t like some of the toxic ones I have had in my past.
And then it dawned on me, you have to actively realize that you are deserving of healthy liberating and empowering friendship and love.
Most of my sense of style comes from my father and growing up, he was always very particular about how we treated our clothes.
Most especially our church clothes.
He would love his shit if he saw us running around in them or not being proper in our Sunday best.
He used to say “it is not about the clothes really but some people will stain your clothes; knowingly and unknowingly”
Some know that their hands are dirty.
Others are unaware but if you allow yourself to continue spending time in spaces that have mud, whether they meant it or not, you will get stained.
Leaving the door open to an abuser is a direct bath to misery. Not always because they intend to but because that all they bring to the table.
You don’t kick someone out, change the locks and then give them the new code to your house so they can see how beautiful it is inside.
-Adewus
I’ve been actively running from friendships that don’t bring me peace, ground me while lifting me up.
As someone who immensely feels things, “losing” friends can be extremely hard but as I get older and wiser, I am starting to understand the value of protecting my peace. My sanity. My peace of mind.
Those things are not “pretty”. They are not always pronounced or easily discoverable like confidence or the glow but they are incredibly important.
It is also important to understand the triggers and the ways we enable abuse in our own lives. We have to take responsibility for it.
Most importantly, we have to we have to keep all the negatives out.
You don’t kick someone out, change the locks and then give them the new code to your house so they can see how beautiful it is inside.
Nobody does that.
You are responsible for genuine happiness and growth this 2020.
So block her, don’t call him back, delete his album on your phone. Breathe.
You got this.
Take control of your peace. You will be better for it. Your world will be grateful for it.
Till next time,
Stay Up!
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