My “true love” (Anna)
My long distance friend (Fara)
My crazy one (Jessica)
My actual woman (Sarah)
It had been 3 days since I had spoken to anyone. Sarah, Jessica, Anna or even Farah. I had drifted into this dark place that I was becoming a regular guest in. The blinds were closed. There were 8 Smirnoff bottles by my bedside, empty. I was listening to Nina Simone’s “Do I Move You” one of my favorite tracks of all time and I felt that I was tipsy. Staring up at the wall clock, it was 18 minutes past ten and I lay in bed edging closer to bum status.
I had managed to push all the women in my life away because I realized that I was very depressed. I told Sarah I did not want a relationship, Anna I snapped at for whatever reason, and then there’s Jessica. Well Jessica is Jessica so no need for a story there but it was what happened with Farah that has me upset. Farah and I got into it because I told her that I could not trust her. I think by now many of you would have realized that I have some trust issues and maybe underlying image issues. Sometimes I just couldn’t understand why some of these women wanted to be with me. I was never confident in my abilities and my looks. Don’t get me wrong, I obviously do well with the ladies but I never attributed it to myself especially if she was a woman that a lot of men wanted. Once I notice she’s interested in me, I begin to panic and expect the worst. “Maybe she’ll find better” or realize that I’m not that great, so the fear cripples anything positive that I would sincerely like to happen.
Farah and I were talking a few nights ago when she mentioned some other guy being interested in her. I watched how she was flirted with and how she normally flirted back. I just never truly trusted her but she always told me it was nothing. You can’t trust these women, anyone for that matter. I guess I was still insecure within myself with all the things that I had gone through previously in my life. I was not sure why (with all the options she had) she picked me. Farah understood it though. She knew why I did what I did. It wasn’t right and she never failed to put me in check, but she knew what depression looked like. It was something I hoped Sarah or Anna would notice and help me with but they just didn’t. Farah was ambitious. She was the ideal woman; perfect body I always wanted to do things to and the brains to match and she seemed to truly care about me. What more could one ask for? But every time I remembered all these things, I would be redirected in my head to the distance between us. She was so near to my heart but so far away. I would never be faithful in a long distance relationship, I know myself. I tried a long distance relationship once and I was cheated on and then coupled with my trust issues? There was no way, I had to have the person close by. Judge me but it’s the truth.
Farah and I were talking and I was becoming a little more pissed off. I had been highly irritable lately and usually that meant that my depression was getting the best of me. I had been thinking too much. I had been thinking of a time when I was almost invisible. Women barely noticed me. I was friends with many but none wanted to be with me. Then I thought of now. Now it is nonstop attention, and I can’t seem to commit to the one I truly love, for the fear of being unfaithful. Farah said something and I snapped, I can’t remember what I said but I said it and that was it. The called ended shortly after and I hadn’t talked to her since.
I looked up at the clock again. It was now 10:32pm. I picked up my phone and texted Farah.
I waited for her response eagerly, repeatedly staring at the phone, waiting for the little blue light to start blinking.
I opened up another bottle and stole a gulp and then it went off. She texted back.
“I know you’re in a dark place. I’m here when you’re ready to talk”
My heart warmed. How could someone be so perfect? I texted her back.
“We need to meet up soon. Let me know. I’ll take time off work”
. . . . .
I had been a better mood now for a couple of days. Sarah was talking to me again after some serious begging (she’s not like Farah, she’s super stubborn). We agreed that we needed a getaway- time to focus on us and if we really wanted to do this. We planned to leave that weekend to Paso Robles; a little wine country city a few hours away. I was excited and nervous at the same time.
That Friday I had worked the whole day and ended up getting stuck in traffic, after being asked by my boss to do something at the very last minute. I just wanted to get to Sarah already. We had a 3-hour drive ahead of us and it was already 8pm. She tried all her best to remain patient but I could tell she was becoming agitated. Imagine having plans for a specific time but the other person was late; it can very easily upset someone. When I got to her, she was already at her limit. I swiftly apologized and we got on the road. About midway through the trip, I mentioned something about the sex. I can’t remember how the conversation started but I remember saying to her-
“I want to do legal but ungodly things to you.”
She smiled, looked at me and in the most nonchalant way, she said
“I think my period might be coming soon.”
I turned and looked at her, assuming she was just fucking with me I asked
“How soon is soon?”
“It was supposed to start today”
I kept my head straight on the road but I was fuming.
“What the actual fuck?” I thought to myself. Was she trying to say she did not know her period would be coming soon when she allowed me to spend all this money to book the trip? I know many of you are thinking that the trip was meant to be for us to reconnect, and it was, but who the hell said sex was not involved in the reconnection? I was angry.
In her usual manner, she first touched my arm and then went into using her baby voice and talked me into forgiving her. She made sure to highlight the fact that it hadn’t started yet, so we could make the most of it at least before it starts. I smiled in attempt to hide my anger.
We arrived at the hotel about an hour later. She had passed out in the car. I took all the bags in, after checking us in, then woke her up. She was too tired and yes! You guessed right, I got no play that night.
The next day I woke up to breakfast in bed, her attempt to bribe me. It was a nice gesture. She sat in front of me with no clothes on feeding me blueberry pancakes with sausages and it was a beautiful sight to behold. We got dressed after, and headed out to the Vineyard for wine tasting. I really could not focus on anything else; I just wanted her, all of her, on me. We had a lady pouring each glass of wine for us as we tried different wines. Together we laughed and joked as we spent time together. In the back of my mind, I just wanted her in a closed space, to just take control of her. So I devised a plan to get her so turned on that she would not be able to resist me. I left her for a moment, and went to the bathroom to text her-
“Let me come in there and violate you. Laying you on top of that wine counter on your chest, I want to begin kissing you from the left side of your face while I slowly start to come to your lips as you feel my hot breath on your cheeks and my soft lips now working towards your neck. I want to take your bra off and continue kissing your back all the way down. My right finger on your clit, massaging it from left to right, up and down. I’ll lift you up onto all your 4s. Spreading those round cheeks with my hands, I’ll stick my tongue deep into your pink… My tongue searching for answers in the depths of your pussy. My nose, lips, chin and cheeks are now covered in the inviting flooding from inside. You’re scratching the desks and moaning into the wood while my fingers dig into your butt and my tongue ploughs your pussy…”
A few minutes later, I walked back into the room like absolutely nothing had happened. She had just finished reading my text. Her face was flushed red. Her knees wobbled and she just glared at me. It was like her eyes said “What the Heck MAN????” I smiled, licked my lips and winked at her. She looked like she wanted to punch me. We finished tasting our last glass of wine and then we turned to leave. She pulled me close and said
“I’m fucking soaked”
I smiled. Step one was complete.
We sat on the outer deck of the vineyard with other people around. She said she was turned on and wanted sex now. She went on to say
“I’m so turned on, I could ride you right here. Right now. “
I looked at her squarely, smiled and said
“I dare you”
I held my glass in my hand. Her blue bag and the bottles of wine sat on the footrest, she looked at me with this evil grin on her face. I dared her to do it; she chuckled and stared at me. She began to unzip my pants, maintaining fierce eye contact. I asked her what she was doing, but she did not say a word. She put her hand down my pants and cupped my rapidly hardening member in her hand and began to roll my balls between her fingers. She leaned in and whispered in my ear “you dared me right? I’ll suck your dick right here in the open” and then she sat back. Instantly, I was rock hard. I knew she could and was capable of doing it. Fearless she was. She leaned down took the first inch showing out of my pants into her mouth. It was broad daylight with about twenty people around us! I was stunned. She began working her tongue around the head of my shaft while I looked on in disbelief and concern, trying to make sure nobody could see us.
She lifted her head and asked me to meet her in the bathroom. I waited about 3-mins after she went into the bathroom and then I followed. I walked into the men’s bathroom and waited. She did not come. I realized that we had not decided what bathroom to meet in, male or female. We had done it in the ladies bathroom before a few months back. I figured it was my turn to have it on my playing field. A captain like myself should not be playing away all the time. A few minutes later she walked into the men’s bathroom and with her loud voice, she said “are you in here?” practically disregarding the fact that there could have been any number of people in there. There were only two stalls and I was in the further one from the door. I responded and she walked in. She glared at me as if to ask why I did not show up in the ladies bathroom. I pushed her up against the wall and put my hand under her blouse and cupped her breast in my hand kissing her passionately. The words floated out of the corner of her mouth into thin air. I began kissing down her neck. She wrapped her right foot around my left leg. Her head knocked back, as I kissed my way down her neck bone with her inviting perfume as my guide. I turned her around, head now facing the wall. I then moved her hair to the left side of her face and began kissing her neck again. I could sense that she was getting turned on and could no longer wait for me with the foreplay. She looked back at me and said “fuck me now”. I unzipped my pants and dropped my belt; my dick was already showing its head out of my briefs so I bent her over and slid it inside her. It was wet. Very wet. Holding her waist, I controlled the motions thrusting with finesse to avoid making any noises or her moaning too loud. She began to thrust back towards me and the noise was a bit more. I tried to stop her but I think the glasses of wine were hitting her. She was throwing it back to me with such determination. I continued to pump in and out, even when a man walked into the bathroom. He eased himself, washed his hands, listened closely as though he had heard some action out of the stall and then left. We continued. With his departure I pounded away and hoped nobody would come in while I was about to unload; oh how I hate my cum face and my grunts. Her pussy was so good. It was wet, slippery and owning my dick and then it happened, I began to get much closer to cumming. She looked at me and said “keep going”. I kept thrusting but gave her a look of disgust. I thought to myself, “this is not the 5 or 10k”. You don’t need to tell me to keep going like this is a marathon. And then it came, she said my trigger phrase “fuck me” and I knew I was going to cum, very soon. Quietly I grunted, as I jerked my shaft out and shot all my seed onto the floor. She looked at me and smiled. She had gotten what she wanted. She put her clothes on, kissed me on the cheek and walked out. I was turned on again but confused. That was amazing.
We headed back to the hotel to chill and get ready for dinner. Relaxing while we lay in bed, we began to talk about why things had been the way they were. Sarah had hurt me before when she led me to believe something and then did something else. Broader story but I’ll save y’all the hurt too. We talked about my hesitancy to enter another relationship and the truth was I that I was still in a dark place; depressed most times and I felt that being in a relationship with that feeling would be selfish. Sarah was upset because she thought I was playing games and wanted boyfriend privileges from her without the title. But this wasn’t the case. I truly wanted a relationship and to be happy, but my fear of heartbreak crippled me before I even go into one. I remember sitting in bed with her and looking straight into her eyes and I said,
“I don’t know exactly how it will happen but I know that we are meant for each other and I pray God helps show that in the easiest way possible. I am truly scared of a life without you. You make me so happy. Continue to give me all your love and patience through these dark times, and I hope to come out of it as the best man I can be for you.”
She leaned and hugged me, and in all honesty, that was the safest I had felt in a woman’s arms. She held me and I truly felt like I was walking by a peaceful water levee back when I first realized what love was.
We both got ready and headed out to dinner. A quick photo-shoot in the hotel hallway and we were ready to go. I remember walking past the elevator on our way down to the parking lot and suggesting that we create memories in there; she didn’t buy it. Dinner was amazing. Oh my love for sushi! It was great food and even better company. On our way back to the hotel, we stopped by the local pharmacy to grab some snacks.
I was trailing her as we headed into the bedroom. We unlocked the door and began changing our clothes when the brilliant idea struck me; there was a balcony to the left of our room where we could go and smoke some of the Kush we came with. We changed and headed to the balcony. It was a non-smoking facility but we didn’t care. The balcony was a huge one. Our floor happened to have the only door that led to it. But all the rooms on that side of the hotel shared the balcony. We scanned for cameras and found none. It was time to blaze.
Moonlight lighting up the balcony we had discovered, it was cold but quiet. On a non-smoking facility, we sat in the cold and lit the swisher. A few puffs and the mood was right. We started talking as we puffed and passed. Sitting closely together, I began to run my left hand up the inner side of her thigh. She looked at me and smiled asking me what I was doing. I said nothing and kept my hand sliding to its destination. She began to move her body as my fingers neared the chocolate factory. As I kissed on her neck and down her blouse, she kept on smoking. There was no need for her to stop.
Weed in her hand, pussy in my mouth. I was working and she was puffing. Clouds moved from right to left in the sky. She asked me why one big cloud covered the moon as my tongue moved uncontrollably from left to right. I was in there. The warmth on my face from her chocolate factory, to the chilling cold on my bare back. I put her legs on my shoulder and continued to work. All of a sudden the lights in one of the rooms went on. She twisted her neck to her right to look behind her and said
“Zane! I think someone might see us”
Now I don’t know about you men out there but unlike Kanye, you have to let your woman finish. I nibbled on her clit just a bit more. She placed her left hand on my head and worked it in motion over her pussy. I loved the way she called my name when her juices smeared my face. She dug her fingers deep into my neck as she came all over my tongue with me lapping up every drop.
We got up and stumbled into the room. She wanted to play a drinking game so she poured the liquor into the cups while I set the mood; I had other plans. I put on a porn video. The game was simple. We ask each other questions, and if you got the question wrong? A piece of clothing came off and you took a shot. She won the battle but I won the war. She couldn’t focus. She was tipsy and extremely turned on by the video playing next to her. She ultimately said
“Babe, I want you now”
I was in business. I flung my shorts off my waist and carried her to the couch of the hotel suite. I gently placed her down. It was then I realized that I was tipsy also. Drunk sex?
She stared and squinted at my package as if it was her first time meeting him. I rubbed it on her lower lips. She was really wet.
I maintained full eye contact as I slid into her. It was hot. Not warm, HOT. Slowly, I worked my way in, covering all of me with her wetness. She gently moaned my name; as I began to pick up the pace, her voice got louder. She was really tipsy and was beginning to not care about how loud she was. In some way, I felt the hotel intentionally gave us a room at the end of the hallway. I was pushing deeper and deeper. With her legs on my shoulders, I raised her creampie closer to me as I made sure my member hit the deepest corners of her body. Her eyes were closed as she took every inch of me. I wanted to turn her over but she refused. She pushed me onto the couch and dropped on her knees. She slowly took the first few inches of my manhood into her mouth; I knew I was screwed, with her soft lips, wet on my dick. She slobbered all her spit all over it. I was so close to exploding in her mouth. Almost every man can relate when I say, I began coaching and inspiring myself to not let loose. She was that good. She worked her mouth over my shaft. She looked up at me, winked and I immediately felt a shiver down my spine. How was she doing that?
I quickly realized that this was another battle I was going to lose if no action was taken. I quickly got up and grabbed her. She complained that I was being selfish for not letting her make me cum. I asked her to get on all her fours. I slid back into her. It was perfect. Like drinking a cold soft drink in the summer after returning from catching buses all day in the sun. I repeat perfect. I could almost always control myself but somehow I felt like the weed and the alcohol were going to cause me to cum faster than I wanted to. I was stroking in and out of her and she began throwing it back to me too. I was for sure about to explode. I began to grunt and thrust harder. Clearest signs of my ejaculation and then she said
“Shoot inside me baby, I want to feel it all inside me”
“OH HELL TO THE FUCK NO!!!!”
I thought to myself. I remember what I had just been through with Jessica. I was not making that mistake again.
She replied in between moans
“I’m on the pill”
“And I don’t give a fuck, still…”
I glanced over and saw my reflection in the mirror. Acknowledging my skill, I continued to work and I knew I was about to cum when I heard the ugly words come of my mouth.
“Ugh Ugh Ugh!!!”
It happened. All over her butt, I sprayed every drop.
Clutching my manhood in my hands, I was bent over like a man that had just been punched in the gut. We slumped in bed. A few minutes she was cleaned up and with that satisfied look on her face, she curled up next to me and said
“Why do you look so tired?”
I glanced over and gave her the dirtiest look I have ever given and thought to myself “how did this happen?”
On our way home from our trip, while we stopped to buy gas’ Jessica called me and said
“I’m in town we need to talk. Come to my hotel room tomorrow. I’ll text the deets”
I actually thought to myself that this was perfect. I was going to roll up in there and tell her it was over and I wanted to begin working towards getting serious with someone else.
. . . . .
The biggest mistake I would make was eventually lying to Sarah about where I was going to the next day. I had picked up some flowers and I was planning to surprise Sarah with them when Jessica called and asked that I come over immediately. So I headed there, not realizing that I had the flowers in my hand. Right before I walked into the room, Sarah called me and asked me where I was. I lied and said that I was at my friend’s house in a different city. Jessica was in her bathrobe, obviously her attempt to get my attention and potentially start something.
I began talking to her about how we both have been through a lot and needed to grow, apart. She looked at me with a look of confusion.
“What?! So you mean the flowers aren’t mine? You’re not trying to fuck me anymore? Cos you got some new chick right?!”
I knew Jessica, and I knew engaging her was just going to put me in more trouble.
I kept calm and explained to her that I just wanted to grow alone. She was not having it. She began to yell. At the top of her lungs she was shouting assault, rape and battery. I was stunned. I wanted to stop her but she just kept on yelling. I began begging her to stop but she was not listening. A few minutes later, I heard a knock on the door; it was the police.
I cracked the door open and attempted to explain to the officers what had happened. She started yelling from the back of the room.
“He hit me, he hit me”
The officer politely asked me to step outside the room and he cuffed me. I was in hand cuffs!!!! For what?!
I sat there hoping they would see she was lying. A few minutes later, the officer returned and said she claimed I pushed her. I had pushed her at one point when she charged at me but I did not hit her. Fuck!
The officer said he was going to have to take me downtown to get my statement and then go from there. I was stunned. How did this happen to me?
I looked at Jessica as they walked me away and she had a smile on her face. This woman was pure evil.
The entire ride to the station, all I could say in my head was
We reached the station and the police booked me after taking my statement. I was told I could be released on bail and given a preliminary stay away order from Jessica.
I had my one phone call.
Who would I call? I could not call Sarah because I had lied about where I was earlier. So I reverted to calling the one person who was always there for me and was always ready to support me through everything.
I dialed Anna’s number and she answered, I told her the whole story and she responded.
“I’m sorry, I’m not coming down there”
I was stunned and this overwhelming sense of loneliness came over me.
I put the phone down and I was taken back into the holding cell. How did I get here?
From trying to be a player, to this?
All these women in my life and I was going to spend the night in jail alone.
Well, I needed some covers to hide under tonight; this man in the corner was staring squarely at me like he wanted me.
I dropped my head and sighed. I seemed to always have a lot of women around me and here I was all alone. No one to call. Trust issues shackled me, my indecisiveness and the fear of getting hurt have led me further down into this dark place. Like when I started, here I am alone again. The jig was up, Zane.
Watch Out for Undercover Player 4
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