What if I was gone?

It’s Wednesday morning – WordsOfWednesday day.
I just rolled over – it’s 6:07am.
I normally would get up and head to the gym but I am exhausted. By the middle of the week, I am pretty spent physically but on Wednesdays, I find a bit more juice to push through the remainder of the week.
Today though, a bit more sleep.
Waking up on Wednesdays, I always feel inspired going into Wednesdays – halfway to the weekend and another blogpost to you all.
I want to start by saying thank you to all of you that read my posts weekly.
You keep me going.
I really appreciate it.

This is a diary entry.
I am sure that emotions I have bottled will probably spill out but we move.
I felt a bit exposed earlier today about putting this post out. I feel like I have been in a very vulnerable place and writing about my emotions quite a bit.
Maybe its just the season I am currently in but I’ll continue sharing the real with y’all.
Some of the best advice I have ever gotten for times like this is to feel it all.
Every bit of it.
The good, the icky, the high, the lows, and even the uncertain.
It’s 8:30am.

This is the latest I have come to the gym in a long time – it’s 10:09am.
I start most workouts with some HIIT core work before heading into the muscle group of the day. Today is day 12 of 20days on the treadmill doing 12.5incline/3speed/30mins.
Well today has been a bit different.
I spent the better part of the first 15mins just sobbing. I love worshipping at the gym but ooo, big man like me bawling during leg day?
I am not even sure the people watching knew I was deep in worship, they were probably just thinking that the squats got the best of me.
God abeg.

I hate rain.
Like a lot.
Not more than fruit flies but still a lot.
It’s been raining a lot in the Bay Area over the past few weeks. It has certainly coincided with my “dip” in happiness. I never understand people that love rain – like when the sun is clearly an option.
Na wa o.
Since before the turn of the new year, most of my WoW’s (WordsOfWednesday) had been written before going into the week – this week, I am just writing it today.
I have been feeling very depressed for a while and today, I legit just felt it all.

Last week, I wrote about some personal things I have been dealing with lately.
I am proud to report that people that I expected to care – don’t or didn’t even bother to check in.
It’s amazing how life can be happening to you and no one sees you.
My therapist and I have been working on various things over the last few weeks and every time something new happens, I remember her words.
For example, “your journey is not about fixing because you are not broken” or “find your happiness within because it will never come from someone else”

There are days that I miss.
The days of being carefree and without bother.
Something dawned on me recently, there is love I wish I had experienced or felt that I missed out.
There is also love that I got and wasn’t able to appreciate.
Chronological age doesn’t mean you experienced all the phases as a young child into adulthood.
The fearlessness, the innocence of youth was robbed from some of us.
I find myself visiting with the young me to know the older me.

Have you ever stared at yourself so long you almost recognized your happiness?
I really wish there were things simpler again.
I miss my memories being filled with joy and excitement.
Today, I remembered being tossed into the dryer and then drum (water storage) by my cousin and some of their friends.
They laughed about it at the time and I was terrified.
I don’t even think they realized the mark it made on me. I don’t think I did either.
But lately, I Have been trying to understand why I tend to get very jumpy – like people coming up behind me or partners feeling the need to touch me.
I cannot say for sure that it is connected to that incident but I know it coming up for 30+ me probably means it was never fully addressed.

Be good for the sake of being good.
This past Sunday, I sang and church and universally – people said I sang very well.
And it got thinking – there have been many times where I have sang in front of people and small part of me looks for the validation from them.
But why?
It got me thinking about how we need to be good – primarily for ourselves.
Not for validation or acknowledgment. For you.
Because the best you is the version that best serves the world around you.

I normally try to leave you all with some energy and words of encouragement in these posts every week.
But ooo mehn – hmmmm.
Do you feel seen?
In your life, friendships, relationships..
Does the person that you crave, see you. Your light, your pain, your fears, your brains?
Imagine tweeting about depression or anxiety but the only time your tweets are referenced is if you tweet about relationships or a woman.
It’s painful to expect the “worst” from someone you love.
Simply believing that not matter the issue, they won’t see you.
That’s rough.
I’ve been craving a hug lately from someone I love.
And I realized that one of the things I struggled with the most growing up was feeling unseen.
It got me thinking, what is your cry for help?
Like what is the thing that you would do that would send a signal to your friends to rally around you?
Imagine me, someone that doesn’t like being touched – CRAVING a hug.
It doesn’t require that your person hop on a flight and come hug you, but the simple acknowledgment could change your whole outlook.

I need a hug.
I won’t get one tonight.
Maybe that’s okay and maybe It’s not.
I am simply glad I wrote out how I feel tonight.
My therapist has me writing two affirmations a day. One that focuses on the inward and another that focuses outwardly – so I have to write one thing about how I feel inside and another about what I see outside of myself.
So maybe that is the lesson and message to you all today, affirm yourself.
It is so easy to feel negatively about yourself with everything going on in the world.
Find enough light to shine on yourself and remind yourself that you are amazing, beautiful, strong, talented, unique, capable, intelligent and more.
You are incredible.
I am thankful for you.
Till we read again, stay up and I love you.

Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.


© 2023 #WhatTheHeckMan


Who do you love?

I want to put a disclaimer out before I start writing this post. Some of what you read may trigger, upset disappoint or surprise you.
Nevertheless, I hope you enjoy this post.

Who do you love?
Who do you rep?
Who do you belong to?

It’s amazing how many of you thought about those questions above and immediately thought about the “people” in your life.
The others.
When in actual fact, the answer should be YOU, first.

It’s nothing to be sad or ashamed about. Fundamentally, we are want to belong to someone. To mean something to someone.
For a long little while now, I have felt incredibly alone.
It’s not something you can fix and it’s not like I don’t have people in my life but feeling unseen is something I have always struggled with since I was a boy.

Talking to my therapist over the last few weeks, it’s clear that my abandonment issues run deeper than I thought but also clear that I am not as good as thought at hiding my depression. Or maybe she’s just really good at her job.
Sometime in August 2020, I began feeling a pain in my stomach.
It was sharp and hard to explain away.
On the back of losing my job in March 2020, I drank way more than I needed to. Depressed, overweight and guzzling gallons of hard cider, I thought it must have been the problem.

Two years later, the doctor finally claims to have a diagnosis – one that I spiritually and physically reject.
Tons of tests, MRI scans, tubes up places hard to explain.
It’s been rough.
And, yeah you guessed it, lonely.

Why did I start by talking about my abandonment issues?
Well, last week my therapist asked that I take a leap and start sharing more with people close to me.
So I took a leap of faith and did – welp, that backfired.
Not only did they start by being upset with me for not sharing sooner, they soon failed to even dig deeper on what may have been wrong.
Leaving me back where?

Let me explain something – for people that struggle to trust people with the darkest of them, it’s never out of a lack of options.
Its more about what happens when the baton is dropped.
Don’t get it wrong, expecting the worst to happen is wrong and now how you should love. But when you repeatedly feel let down, you start to believe a reality where you don’t think you deserve love.
This leads to you not only further isolating but also sabotaging spaces where genuine love could grow.

I am thankful for those that love me and are intentional about showing it.
I am learning to accept it – it’s hard.
Think of it like this, I am trying to undo decades of being in the “shadows” – your light aids my journey out of darkness.
One day at a time.

For right now, wrap your arms a bit tighter around that person that means something to you.
Whisper what they mean to you.
Then belt it out in your actions.
Your arms are enough for a hug, but everyone does better when they feel the warmth of love around them.

Check your s&*(&t

If you even remotely use social media and haven’t been sleeping under a rock for the past few months and years, you’ll realize that biases are everywhere. Many of them, negative towards furthering a sense of community and belonging.

All over the world, biases and micro aggressions continue to drive a wedge between people you expect to know better.
Hate sells.
It burns but it sells.
It’s important to always check your biases – even when you think you are infallible, you’re not.

When I was about to start working with my therapist that I now absolutely love.
I remember the day she and others were recommended to me. I almost did not select her because she was not smiling in her profile picture. I thought she would be “mean”.
Even me that I have spent countless hours with mental health professionals – I almost gave into my biases.
I am glad I checked myself and went forward.

In the quiet moments, check your biases.
“I don’t have any problem with _” but you won’t get close to them. Yes, you do.
Be better.
Do better.
You’ll be better for it.

Till next week, love on yourself.
I am certainly going to spend time working on it. I hope you do too. Have a great rest of the day and week ahead.
All my love. 🌹

Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.


© 2023 #WhatTheHeckMan


Green & Grown

A Year into my Fitness Journey
Initiated this blog on February 14th. Updated on March 14th, 2023.

One of the main areas I focused on first was my diet.
Green and Grown – I made sure I overloaded on vegetables and things loaded in fiber (I swear by Shirataki noodles), they are low in calories and high in fiber.
My typical meal with them stays balanced – Shirataki noodles, a scoop of rice, grilled chicken thighs, half a plantain (y’all know I love my plantain) & avocado.

You win in the kitchen first – whether you are trying to shed weight or add, you win first in the kitchen.
As much as you can, tackle that area first.
You want to load up on protein daily, a decent amount of carbs, healthy fats and get tons of sleep.
I am struggling with the sleep part even a year in but I certainly have more of the other parts sorted.

Green and Grown
Potatoes and spinach
Boiled plantain & a eggs with spinach
Riced cauliflower and stir fry
Cauliflower noodles
Chicken drumsticks with garri
Mixed vegetables
Salmon and boiled plantain
Shirataki noodles, Turkey meatballs
Pot stickers

The gym doesn’t “fix” body dysmorphia.
You have to achieve self love to appreciate your body in whatever state or stage it’s in. As I pushed through dominating my body into submission – it became clear that I needed to also fix my mental.
So I focused on healing my mind as I changed my body.
Fitness and wellness should be a lifelong journey – the number of lbs lost or gained won’t make you love yourself more if your mind ain’t right.
There are times where I know what I have done and how much I have achieved but my eyes cannot see it.
Don’t get caught in that space.
You may want to change your body but you need to have a conversation with your mind and heart first.

People’s opinions matter – NOT.
Some will say you are already good and some will say you’re too fat.
Some will say you don’t need to lose any weight but when you do, they’ll be shocked that there was weight to lose.
Focus on you. Do it for you.
Do it because of what YOU want, not what they want.

Ignore the Scale
I think I said this in one of my previous posts but when I started my journey on March 16th last year, I did not get on the scale till September 2nd, 2023.
It gave me time to just focus on looking and feeling good. My pants and clothes began to not fit anymore.
Then when I stepped on the scale, I now had a platform where I needed to go and how much more I needed to shed.

Looking good starts outward
While that line itself may feel misleading or against all the “woke” body positivity we have been talking about for the last few years, in the gym, it’s true.
You have to look good to feel good and many times, that is sometimes squarely about your outward appearance.
Dress nice, even as you start to prepare for the body you ultimately want.
While I have some expensive and high quality pieces in my closet, I encourage you to start with comfortable affordable and nice looking gym outfits to start off your journey.
When I started my journey, I would get nice Adidas, Nike, Fabletics sets from Ross, Dress for Less.
Then as I got closer to the body I wanted, I switched to a mixture of places, some things I get some Fabletics, Nike, Boohoo MAN, Adidas and also the great Amazon.
And I began going for higher quality and durability. At the forefront though, comfort and style.
How else am I going to continue falling deeply in love with myself if I don’t wear sex coord outfits that gym.

Be ready for the inevitable changes
As you embark on a life changing and life altering journey, things will change.
Your body, your mind, and your relationship to both. People’s relationships/views of your body will also morph. All of it will change. I was not ready for the changes to be honest, so I want to make sure you are.

First of all, I’m now a lightweight. Before I could have two or three drinks before I would feel something and now, one shot and my eye don dirty.
I could hit a joint and be cool, now, no such thing.
It’s almost like with the weight loss, my body cannot soak up the externals that inebriated me.
What a life.

My libido is also much higher. I used to joke that one of the main reasons I wanted to lose weight was to look good while shifting her furniture.
Little did I know that it would lead to me wanting it more everyday. I am not a man super fussed about “working out together all the time”, well I wasn’t but now?
🎶🎶 one glance is all it takes, want to remove your paynt 🎶🎶🎶 🤣🤣🤣
So get ready for it.
For some people, it’s because of the supplements they take (maca root, preworkout) and for others, it’s just their body naturally having more energy to expend energy. You have been warned.

I also may or may not have noticed that I actually go longer now. But that’s not why we are here and you won’t be finding out, so face your front. ☺️

Being healthy is expensive
It’s cheaper to eat junk or processed foods. Your $5 at McDonald’s will fill you up.
Walk into Whole Foods with that and all you are walking out with is spring onions and a potential death stare from a Karen wondering how you got in.
Amazing stuff.
Being healthy and eating healthy is expensive and requires a deep commitment to the cause. Find bargains where you can.
For example, I buy organic things from Safeway but I buy other things from Grocery Outlet or FoodMaxx which are more bargain stores. Find the system that works for you and run with that.

Be kind.
The journey to the body and most importantly life you want will be hard.
Up and down.
Then fast.
It will test you and your mind.
There will be days you don’t want to but you need to.
Your life will be better for it.
But most importantly be kind to yourself.

The new body you want is ahead of you and you have never met beyond Youtube clippings and Instagram saved posts. But you see this body you are currently in, cherish it.
Respect it.
Honor it.
And make you keep it whole.

Thank you for being part of my journey so far.
Year 1 down.
Here is to many more in great health and sound mind.

Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.


© 2023 #WhatTheHeckMan



New poem that came to me as I was meal prepping.

What do you want from me?
No, tell me
Do you want me?
Or do you want me?
Do you want my body or my soul?
Or both
Who knows
Do you want me alone?
Will you ever be grown?
Because here I am feeling things
Things that are not speaking for me
Or speaking for me
Reactions to every interaction
My heart beats faster worried about the words that you might say
Or not say
Everything reminds me of what much more can be
But you say nothing
So I remain at your mercy
Longing for your voice
The same one used to wax lyrical about the things you wanted to do to me
But are there things you plan to do with me
Me as yours
Side by side
Hand in hand
One team
Same side


Top of mountain
The breeze palming your buttcheeks on foreign beach
Unexpected money in your account
Validation offered without request
The day of victory
Curling of toes
Eyes rolling back
The first takeoff after lockdown was lifted.

Feelings are everywhere.
In many cases, we run from them. The best of them creep up on you in broad daylight.
One moment they are an unsaved number, then emoji’s next to their name, then suddenly you can breathe when they don’t answer.
Feelings eh?

I realized that as I have gotten older, being able to feel alone is not enough.
Being able to feel things and describe them aptly is a muscle that most adults need to have worked and constantly build on.
I began this a few weeks ago, I stopped answering my therapist’s “how are you?” with a generic “I’m okay”.
I started finding the actual word to describe how I was feeling.

Do you know the vocabulary for how you feel?
Can you explain the difference between you being afraid and tentative?
It has proved magical being able to tell someone you feel fear, love, joy, and more.

I laugh at those that spend so much energy trying not to feel things.
Fear of catching feelings, caring deeply for people and the rest.
But all those are feelings – you are capable of feeling. Deep rewarding feelings.

Allow yourself to feel everything.
Yes, everything.
The highs, the lows, the unknown, the certain – feel yourself.
Use the feelings chart I posted up there as much as you can.

And right now, do this exercise with me.
Read along slowly
Wiggle your toes!
Before you did that, were you feeling yours toes?
I bet not.
Feel within your body.
Feel your heart race and slow.
Remember to take deep breathes and wiggle your toes.

Run by Lloyiso


Call My Phone by Rexxie, Ajebo Hustlers


Jolie by Khaid


GwaGwalada by Bnxn, Kizz Daviel, Seyi Vibez


Sability by Ayra Starr


Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.


© 2023 #WhatTheHeckMan


God, Abeg

Sanmi in Mexico, Circa 2014. Freshly heartbroken, teaching English to a local school.
Lost from God, considered ending it all 3times. On this day, I was making my way home from teaching and listening to gospel music – I felt moved to tears and simply gripped in my soul. I tried to record what I was feeling and broke down in tears.
This is a screenshot from that video. This is how I feel as I write this.

Mixed emotions
A collective inhale
Restricted flow
Information loss
We knew it was coming
But like hot eba with no stew
No hope
It’s lodged firmly
In our throats
In our hearts
This sucks
This is Nigeria
Not my home

It’s Monday and many of you are probably reading this on Wednesday or later – at the time of writing this, I’ve called on God, many times.
Stranded, hopeless and holding my breath – I am not entirely sure what I am hoping for.
A miracle that shines light on a 100million homes in poverty or the painful reality that our adopted jollof will now come second to indigestible agbado (corn).
I want more.
I want more than hopelessness.
I used to love the sight of main gate after school at Mayflower Ikenne because it meant a reunion with the delicious buns and egg roll lady.
Picking them up with a fork, she would lift your portions out of a plastic or glass container and place them on a piece of paper.
Who would have thought that 20years later – I am haunted by that image. Paper and plastic.

Watching INEC hold a sham of an election with citizens of the world’s most populated Black Country voting into plastic bins that you can snag at your local dollar tree. The “organization” blatantly ignoring the rule of law and manipulating papers that we clearly saw just the day before.
Is this who we have become?
It’s naivety that makes you think we have just become “we have always been”.
Think back to the numerous coups, the tribal wars, the blatant disregard for life.
It has taken it’s toll.
Nigerians said enough and blocked the gate.
But they somehow have driven their bullion van of lies and deceit through our bloodied hearts.


It’s 7:15am and I am finally mixing my preworkout drink.
This is the latest I have headed to the gym in the last month. I woke up 4-5 times over the course of the night.
My gym opens at 5am and I would typically will myself up early but I simply could not convince myself to Arise today.
There are so many ways to Channel(s) your energy into willing yourself up.
Simply put, this sucks.
They say it’s the hope that kills you but it’s the hope that gives you life and makes you reach for more.
The hope forces you to not give up on yourself.
I wonder where we would be as a people if we didn’t hope.

I am sad and proud to be a Nigerian today.
For a long time, there was a general belief that young people in Nigeria simply didn’t care enough.
And maybe this is the start of the change that we want or start of something new but people came out.
It was clear that at the very least “some” Nigerians want something different for themselves.
Their force was felt.
As a people, we elected the man we believe to be a first key step in recovery as a country and people.
Peter Obi.
Unfortunately in broad daylight or at 4am in the dark of the night, they stole our future from us.
It feels like a lost cause because we are currently unsure how compromised the justice system is.
I am angry.
I am sad.
This election was rigged and stolen.

This election reminded me of something – we can all be in different parts of the world and feel things as one.
Collectively, today I felt the pain and sadnesss in the hearts of Nigerian’s world wide.
We are more united than we can see.

I don’t feel comfortable saying “God save Nigeria”.
Feels like he forgot us.
There is no reason why a country filled with so many talented and ambitious black people should “elect” a President and collectively feel dread, fear, sadness all over the world as one.
Nigerians are terrified but as always, we will thrive.
Hopefully before the BAT and terrorist king become unalive.

Music I’m Currently Loving

Dream About You by Lloyiso


Wo Wo(Remix) by Minz ft. Bnxn by


I Can’t Shout by BisiManuel

Ma Femme by Monsieur Nov, Tayc


Money Before Love by Portable


Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.


© 2023 #WhatTheHeckMan