“I just want the happiness to last longer than the smile”

When I was 11, I applied to Air Force Military School Ibadan along with my cousin.

We both got invited to the school for a week of “orientation” before they decided if they would admit us.

I thoroughly enjoyed my time there and I was stoked that one of my favorite cousins and I could end up at the same school.

We returned home and I soon found out that I didn’t get admitted.

He did.

I cried.

Oh how I cried!

Not only because I wouldn’t be with my cousin but because I was rejected.

It annoyed me and made me hate a part of me.

I eventually ended up at Mayflower and soon, Redeemer’s High School and I loved it.

I have some of the most amazing friends from where I ended up.

I found myself.

Or at least started to…

There are tears in my eyes

A pain in my heart

A song on my lips

And a melody

A melody that defines my state

I’m sad

Temporarily

But I am glad

I feel empowered

To stand

Protected to proclaim

That I am

More than a conqueror

Bigger than that pain

Every sorrow

Regret

Or heartache

I am not a coward

I have been carrying a pain in my chest. For a little over a year.

As the month of October rolled around, it took me back to a familiar and welcoming dark place

It would ultimately mark the one year anniversary of one of some of my darkest days.

I felt threatened.

To cower and fall back into a trap.

The comfort of the darkness is so inviting.

First the sadness, then loneliness, then a pain you cannot share with another, aches in your joints and in your veins and suddenly; you’re alone and it’s too cold and scary to outside.

Sometimes I wonder why God has allowed me to walk the path I have so far in life.

“Like why not arrest me and just force me to do what you want me to do Lord?”

But I realized a few years back that I am different. I don’t know how different yet but I know I’m meant to be different.

I recently started to act differently again like last year. Pulling away from people, turning down opportunities to go out, pushing the people that love me away.

But then I realized that I was fighting a battle I can’t win alone.

God has put certain people in your life to help you fight that battle and mine was depression.

In the words of one of my all time faves; Mali Music, he says

“Im on a rocket ship,

And the destination of this rocket is to outer space
Guess I have to go there, guess I have to come here, yeah
Im from the Earth but Ive been taken to another place

And there are powers, even there but you cant see them,
And they have lasers and beam guns
And they’re firing on my brain, but I say

Fireeeee…”

I wasn’t trying to be depressed. I know what it feels like, I knew it was coming. My friend said in her piece “the devil has no new tricks” and that like resonated.

All of what I feel now, I have felt before. So I had to fight his tactics.

I had been moving along today. The heaviness had been on my heart. And as God would have it, a friend sent me a piece that another friend had written and it spoke to me.

I was about to allow myself become a coward again. Almost give in.

I turned on my iPod and I played Charles Jenkins’ song

“My God is Awesome”.

Tears.

The convicting kind.

I could feel peace and I wanted more.

I switched the song over to Mali Music and the “Available” came on.

I couldn’t believe how much the words spoke to me.

The words say

So many times in my life

(life)

Have I tried to do it all by myself

(self)

But after numerous failures I realized

(lized)

That the glory is due to God and no one else

(else)

I was runnin to and fro tryna make things happen

(slow down)

That’s what I’d hear Him say but it ain’t until something bad happens

(that turned my life upside down)

Or will I give up Jesus

(Jesus)

It’s all in your hands now Father

(Father)

Do what you will with me, have your way

(have your way)

Lord please keep me in your will

Lord help me to be still

I just wanna be avaylable to you

(yeah)

I will do whatever you

You instruct me to do

I just wanna be avaylable to you

(yeah)

I won’t move, I’ll wait

(I’ll sit here and I’ll wait)

Until you show me the way

(lead me in the right direction)

The safest place

(it’s in the will of God)

Patiently I’ll wait

(Jesus)

I realized a while back that the happiness I truly wanted in my heart, I was seeking from a partner.

And that is not where I should have been looking.

A good friend of mine said

“…Thank you for your honesty , it is greatly appreciated .

Please note this message isn’t to knock you and i know it’s heavily emotionally driven . but I feel like it should be said as you can’t be leaving a trail of broken hearts everywhere. I don’t put all the blame on you”

In my attempt to plug a hole, I have tried different “corks” but not found the one that truly fits.

Ultimately, they plug the hole for a while and soon, they flood finds it way back in.

I was recently told “sometimes things that can be so simple and so black and white we muddle and over religiousize it.”

Because I said I wouldn’t move until God says so.

I won’t make a decision that he hasn’t approved and depression, guilt or sadness was not my portion.

Those words sparked a demand from God.

I have submitted to you and here I stand.

Validate me.

People will question you or your wants, needs, story, faith, beliefs.

Stand.

My journey may take longer than the next guy.

My healing may be slower but I will come back stronger.

Because I am more than a conqueror.

It is easy to be a coward.

To be okay with okay.

To be okay because it “feels right”. To settle with her or him because you think that’s all you deserve.

To have just another day in the life…

There are tough decisions you have to make.

Pray and stick to your gut, you may get it wrong sometimes but let your truth guide you.

Regret is such an ugly feeling and it eats you alone.

Trust me.

I could have allowed fear and depression to overpower me but no.

This and every decision I have made recently is to the glory of God.

As I get older, I find myself making tougher decisions but God is a God of peace.

I wait on him and he will provide peace.

I have been sitting on the side of the road since I got that piece from my friend writing this.

You are more than a conqueror.

Stand tall.

I stand with you.

Welcome the Return of WordsOfWednesday!

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Zuliha 3 will be out on Saturday. PLEASEEEEEEEEEE COMMENT AND SHARE!!!!!!!

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Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

My name is Zuliha, and I’m trying.
To many, that may not mean anything but in my life, I feel like effort can be so telling on where one ends up.
I only sometimes wish that a few important people in my life, tried their best more often but you play the gave with hand you’re dealt.

When I got the internship of a lifetime right out of college at the MasterCard office in Atlanta, I was sure my life would be smooth.

I so badly wanted to leave Maine, that when my sister and her husband invited me to come and live with them in ATL, I was ecstatic.

As I would later find though, giving up my freedom and autonomy was harder than I expected but that was only one stop along my way.

I moved to ATL about 3 months before my birthday.

I was just having a decent time living with my sister and her husband. It wasn’t always the smoothest but we made it work.

 

I discovered that there are no real shortcuts to self-discovery.

No manuals.

Just experiences and hopes that shape the individual, as they grow.

My journey while still active, is very interesting, if I do say so myself but it can only be appreciated if I walk you through it.

So at the junction before rock bottom, I found myself and in all honesty, it was in the scariest place of my life.

…..

We returned that evening from dinner.

I walked into the house first and headed straight into the kitchen.

I placed the bag in the refrigerator and walked out.

“Goodnight”

I paused and replied,

“Goodnight”

 

My sister headed into her room and her husband followed closely behind her.

I walked into my room. Closing the door, I walked over to the front of my mirror and sat down.

As I took my earrings off, I glanced over to the right and at the digital wall clock.

10:23pm.

As I rose, I pulled my dress off, leaving just my panties.

I stared at my breasts for a moment and kicked my dress to the corner.

I walked over and picked up my makeup remover wipes and headed to the washroom.

Standing in front of that mirror as I washed away hours of preparation, I just wondered what it all was for.

Like why try?

So uninspiring was the world around me, I just felt lazy.

Emotionally lazy.

Like each dab of makeup was a layer to cover the hurt, the emptiness and just unhappiness that filled me up.

A final rinse and I walked back into the room, flicking the light switch down to my left.

The lights went out and I laid on my bed. I pulled my laptop from the top of my pillow, and logged on.

I responded to a few text messages and logged on to my Hulu Plus account.

Modern family.

 

Minutes later, I could feel myself falling asleep. I realized I had dozed off as I woke up and looked at my phone.

12.12am.

Happy Birthday to me.

22.

And not a single happy birthday message.

 

The next morning, I woke up late.

It was a little before noon when I stumbled out of the room towards the kitchen.

My target was the left over slice of cheesecake from the night before.

Walking into the living area, my brother in law said “happy birthday”.

He was watching college football on the tv.

My sister came out a few minutes later as I was heading back to my room with the cheesecake in my palm.

 

“Happy Birthday Zuliha”

 

I smiled and said,

“Thanks sis”

She talked to her husband for a few minutes and right before I walked into my room, she yelled out,

“Zuliha, are you going to be here when the carpet cleaners come at 2?”

I rolled my eyes and scoffed in disgust as I said,

“You know it’s my birthday right?

I’m not going to be home”

 

I could feel her irritation through the walls as she replied,

“So I have to reschedule again?”

I rolled my eyes again and said,

“I guess so”

 

I headed into my room and sat down.

When I picked up my phone, I noticed a few birthday messages and tweets.

As I scrolled down, I noticed a message from Cole.

He was a guy that I was mildly interested in but one that I continued to keep on the outside.

The message read,

 

“I have what you need
but I don’t want to tell you what to feel.
You deserve love, being treated like your heart needs to be.
Care that humbles, Growth that challenges
A friendship in love that inspires
I’ve tried to convince myself not to care
For one reason or another
I’m still here
I don’t think you see where we could go
Written off like a pointless memo
I am the most important piece
It is not a joke
Nor does this feel hard
Expression of care to a woman who may not even see how deserving she is
Time and time again
I’ve asked why
But I want you to feel something you don’t think I can make you feel
Sometimes feeling in worlds apart
I speak a language of love
Interpreted across lines
There is a willingness to give you all I have
Not because you earned it
But because my heart feels like you’re deserving
You deserve it
But in the shadows I’ll wait
Not because I’m okay with being a forgotten choice
But because I can wait to give you the love you deserve
There are no rules on how it should feel
But I truly want your story to be unique
Now I’m just waiting for you
To decide if and when we write it”

Sigh.

It was a sweet message but I couldn’t imagine what opening up would look like at that stage of my life.

Before I could even get lost in my thoughts, I heard my sister’s car as she left for work at the hospital.

That was my cue to get ready, I had a long and empty day ahead of me.

……

I placed his plate on the table in front of him.

He looked down at it with confusion as he rolled up his sleeves.

He didn’t say a word though.

It was the boiled plantains on the plate.

 

I returned with a jug of water and placed it next to his plate of food.

As I turned to walk back to the room, I felt his eyes follow me.

I was almost around the corner when he said,

“You’re not eating?”

I stopped and turned around. Clutching my wrapper in my left hand as I tried to hide my nakedness beneath.

I looked at him straight and said,

“No. I already ate”

“What do you mean, you’ve eaten already?”

 

He snarled back.

I took in a deep breath and replied,

“It’s late. You came from work late and I have already eaten”

He leaned back in his seat at the top of the dining table and said,

“Is that what your problem is? That I came home late?”

 

I hissed.

Or maybe that was in my mind but I know I turned around and started walking to the room.

As I entered the hallway, I felt his presence behind me.

He was really close.

He must have run from his seat.

 

I first felt the full force of his right hand on my right shoulder.

In one swoop, he forced me into the wall.

Face first.

The wall was cold.

His breath behind my neck was warm.

I didn’t fight. It was what I had wanted all day after all.

 

His strong arms yanked my wrapper off my waist, exposing my smooth ass cheeks.

He quickly dropped to his knees.

His warm hands spread my cheeks apart as he dropped to his knees.

Oh, how his hot tongue passionately burned through my pink.

I could feel my wet dripping onto his face as they trickled down the inside of my thighs.

I could tell he was hungry as he devoured me.

I scratched the walls as I tried to find something to hold onto.

It was amazing how his tongue could reach the depth of my walls.

I realized i was suddenly standing on my toes with my left hand pushing the back of his head further into me.

I’m feeling it now.

 

Suddenly he stopped.

Abruptly.

I thought I had done something wrong.

Did he taste something “off”?

I was wrong.

As I tried to figure out what was going on, he slowly turned me around.

The hallway was dimly lit.

He was still on his knees as he turned me from the waist.

I felt his hands press on me and he said,

 

“Lay down”

 

I didn’t even question it.

Down I went into my back.

I was already dripping down my thighs.

As he spread my legs, he started from the bottom.

Long precise strokes from bottom to my clit.

Sweep.

He wouldn’t let anything go to waste.

His focus on my clit was amazing.

I was moaning and almost screaming in the dark hallway of the house as this man feasted on me like his last supper.

 

I was digging into the skin behind his neck.

My toes curled.

My back arched and I felt the surge course through my spine.

Fuck!

He pulled up and stood.

He walked away, back to the living room.

There I lay, legs wide open to earth and this man left me.

I got up and stomped to the dining area.

There he was sitting in his seat, ready to eat.

 

I came close and thought “oh no you don’t”

I pushed his seat back and I got down on my knees. Stroking his member while keeping my gaze firmly on him, I leaned my head forward and took him into my mouth.

My tongue pounded the head of his shaft as I slurped up and down his rod.

He kicked his head back and let out that quiet,

“Fuck”

 

I could feel his pelvic muscles contract as he tried to fight the pleasure.

Pushing up his sack into the base of his shaft, he let out a gentle moan. I smiled and stood up as I lowered my pink on to his throbbing member. He wasn’t the biggest I had ever had but he knew how to fill me up.

Slow strokes as I bounced up and down.

With each return to the base, I could feel his balls hitting the back of my wetness.

He placed his hands on my waist and began to thrust upwards as I bounced on him.

 

I closed my eyes and moaned as he hit my spots with each thrust.

“Oh shit, Oh shit! I’m gonna cum”

I remember letting out and suddenly he stopped again.

I opened my eyes and glared at him.

He still had his hands around my waist as I said,

 

“why did you stop”

 

“Shhhhh….”

 

He replied.

He looked towards the window and said,

 

“Did you hear that?”

 

I looked at the direction of the window too and said,

“Hear what?”

He looked at me and said,

 

“Your sister”

I sprung up and bolted for my room.

I quickly threw my clothes on and tried to fix my hair. I made sure I stayed in my room for a few minutes and then I came outside.

 

My sister was standing between the dining area and the kitchen, as I walked down the short stairs towards her.

She said,

“Hey Zuliha”

“Hey sis”

I walked past her and towards the living room.

She sniffed and said,

 

“It’s so stuffy in here.

Zuliha what did you cook?… Please open the sliding door”

 

A sigh of relief and I swallowed hard as I thought that I had been found out.

I headed over to the glass door and opened it up. A flush of cool breeze slapped my face and I breathed out.

My sister headed to the room and her husband emerged from their room, greeted her and sat down to continue his meal.

A few minutes later, I got up to retrieve something from the kitchen. As I walked past him at the dinning table, he stretched out his hand and smacked me on my rear.

We both naughtily smiled at each other as I hurried away.

In the kitchen, I smiled as I opened the refrigerator.

“That was a close call”,

I thought to myself.

 

…..

I had heard many times that falling asleep with your computer on your bed was a bad idea but I still did it.

To be honest, I can’t even remember how I fell asleep that night but I did.

Hours into my dreams, I felt a nudge.

A cold tap followed.

I slowly opened my eyes as I tried to make out who it was.

The lighting from the laptop screen was bright enough that I could see that it was my sister.

 

I sat up and said,

“Whats going on sis”

She looked me straight in the face and said,

“I know you have been fucking my husband”

Immediately, the sleep vanished from my eyes. I sat up and tried to muster a response but the most I could do was,

“Huh?”

She smiled and then shook me to my core when she said,

“I know the two of you have been having sex.

but here is the thing, I don’t want you to stop”.

My eyes grew big.

Not only did I get caught committing one of the most unforgivable sins in the world, but the person I was wronging, wanted me to continue?

I was so confused.

It took me a brief moment but I finally said,

“Sis, what are you saying?”

She again looked at me with all the seriousness in the world and said,

“I want you to keep fucking my husband”.

It was impossible for me to contain my shock, so like you, all I could say was #WhatTheHeckMan

 

I AM BACK!

The Wordsmith is BACK and this series will test your connections to forgiveness and love.
I am excited to be sharing material with you all again!
It promises to be an exciting series.

Please COMMENT and SHARE!!!!
You know all FEEDBACK IS WELCOME!

Welcome back #WhatTheHeckMan family!
It’s 🔥🔥🔥

 

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