Walking Away

When did I become a night walker?
Welcome to this week’s offering of Words Of Wednesday. I hope you are doing well and taking care of yourself.
I’m starting this week’s post on a night walk.
I’ve begun to enjoy walking in the evenings.
My body feels tight.
My back hurts – I can feel the stress in my neck and in the ways that I don’t sleep through the whole night.
This week has been good. My mental has been pretty good.
I feel fed up about a lot in my life – the things I don’t enjoy really.
We’ve been talking a lot about decision fatigue but I am truly just tired.
On the work front, you have to be effective. With parents, you have to parent and support.
With friends, you have to be intentional.
With every other aspect of adulting, if you drop off – you can quickly tank the quality of your happiness.

I’ve been asking myself this question a lot lately.
Who do you really want to be?
Someone recently tried to come at me sideways and my first instinct was to throw it all away.
I don’t want pity or someone making excuses for me and the man that I am.
I truly think it is selfish to build castles in your head of who you want people to be and then you get upset that they make decisions that prioritize themselves.

But more importantly, I think it’s cowardly to be silent and I feel like I have been silent too long.
When I was younger, I thought I didn’t deserve the love that I go but as I have gotten older, I realize that I deserve more.
I’ve been silent all my life – I remember dating someone that was such a good person that I almost felt like I had to accept the love because how could I not?
But someone’s best doesn’t always mean it’s the best for you.
And you don’t have to feel guilty about that.

I actually wanted to speak on the reality that that dynamic only works from woman to man.
There is a level of arrogance with women that because they like you – you have to consider it.
Let me put it like this – when a really “good” guy moves to a babe, if he is not what she wants, it doesn’t matter how good or nice he is, she’ll say no.
Reverse it – how many times have guys been able to say – “yeah, this is good but it’s not up to what I want”.
I once dated someone that I should have ended talking to within a few weeks but they experienced a traumatic event and I felt obligated to stay.
It would lead to two years of horror.

Why do I say this?
Like I mentioned it’s cowardly to not speak truth on what you really want/need.
Don’t be harmful or hurtful but be honest – first with yourself and that person or thing.
You deserve the future you want for you.
Not the one that someone imagined themselves into.

————

I’m further up on my walk and it hit me – I hate walking while black.Or being outside.
As I was walking – I thought to myself, what if someone called the police and said “oh we saw a black man walking” and the police pull up.
God forbid you are the person they say matches the description by just being outside and being black.
Do you know how annoying that must be that you can’t just exist without worrying?

Also, as I’m walking I start thinking about wild animals.
Like coyotes, raccoons and such – even wild squirrels or snakes!
Anyways sha, I love the freedom of eating dinner and talking a nice walk.
I like living alone. I like having my own.
I really like being with me.
Long may it continue.
I hope I never get greedy in life but I pray my silence or fear of asking for what I want never leads me to having to settle.

———

Man, Texas is HOT!
Forget the sweating like a crazy person at the gym or randomly outside but it’s HOT.
That’s one of the first things I have had to tell people and as someone who is always very hydrated – you end up sweating A LOT.
And now I have a singlet tan line from where I wear my workout shirts.

Building new habits take time and kindness.
I found myself taking a cup of ice with me out the house every morning to put in my workout bottle at the gym.
That way I have freezing cold water to drink through my workout and it helps keep my body cooler.
I have never been a morning person but I need to start sleeping earlier and waking up earlier. That way I can be in the gym early and before the sun starts hitting hard.
I am also buying 5 towels (I workout 5 times a week) to keep in my car, so I don’t have to be dripping sweat whoever I walk around the gym.

Lastly this week, I want to tell you – you don’t have beg for what is good in your life.
You should never beg for love. Communicate your needs and feelings but never have to hold your breath or find yourself waiting by your phone.
You deserve love that almost runs towards you at every chance it gets.

Sometimes you may even feel like you are unworthy because you open the door to people who would never appreciate you for what and who you are.
There are people out there who see your value and your worthy, please focus on them and not on people who only remember you when it’s convenient for them.

Til we speak again, stay up!

NB: I had some technical difficulties with the upload last week, Undercover Lover 2 this Saturday. My apologies!

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