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Broken by Lifehouse
The door slowly opened up.
I believe I must have said What The Heck Man in my head like twenty times before the person emerged.
I was regretting this. I was regretting having him come over. I was just scared to my bones.
The door opened completely and she poked her head in.
It was Comfort.
Comfort was a family friend’s daughter that was living with us at the time. She was going to school and working for my father at his fish farm.
I was a bit relieved it was her. She was a girl like me and she would understand. She was 19 at the time but she was obviously 11 once.
“What’s going on here?”
she said with a smile on her face while we both rushed to try and cover up. The buttons on my blouse were loosened. He had been fondling my newly acquired breasts that had just come in that summer.
“Nothing. We were just…”
I stuttered to respond.
She snapped back.
“Your mom wants you in her room.”
My mom was home?! I didn’t even know!
“Thank you, Aunty Comfort!”
I dashed out of there, knowing that she had done me a solid favour. David and I would eventually have sex a few weeks later. He was just great with words like that and watching Emmanuelle in Space that night while his parents and mine happened to be out of town didn’t help my resistance. I can’t really explain how my first time was but it was sort of a bland experience. He like many guys after him began to act weird after the first time and we never had sex again. I don’t regret it because it was eye opening in many ways but what I regret was how that incident in my house played out.
There was a 13-year age difference between my older brother and I. My mother had always frowned against boys because she herself got pregnant at the very young age of 15. In many ways, she feels like the man who got her pregnant, though 17 and also a minor at the time knew better but still took advantage of her.
Dealing with the stigma of having my brother and going back to school to get a degree was a huge struggle for her and she never wanted any of us to experience that. I understood it but in many ways, it felt to me like my social life was being punished for her mistakes. She wouldn’t let me go to parties. Sleepovers were off the table and like I previously stated boys were not allowed over. I was able to bend that last rule a bit when it came to friends of the family.
Comfort so far had kept my secret safe. It might seem like an exaggeration but the only male my mother seemed to bring herself to like was her son, my older brother. I strongly believed growing up that my mother hated every single guy on Earth and her father was dead at the time of her pregnancy, so I guess he was exempted.
This particular evening, my parents had gone to visit my aunt out of town. It was just Comfort in the house with me. I had stayed up way past my bedtime. It was a Friday night and my parents weren’t home. Hell yes, I was going to run the house.
It was a little past midnight and I had fallen asleep on the couch watching television. I felt someone waking me up. I must have eaten too much or something but I was in deep sleep. I felt me getting smacked all over to wake up but I didn’t and then I was helped to my room. I remember my body touching the bed.
Slowly, I felt someone’s hands all over my body; running on my skin. It was fine because it wasn’t in the intrusive areas until I felt the hand go up my skirt. I began to move uncomfortably in the bed. The person was very patient because whenever I moved, they would stop and wait for me to fall asleep again. I felt their fingers move my panties aside and one finger went inside me. I jumped up!
“Aunty Comfort, what are you doing?
I asked confused, shocked and surprised. She responded
“Don’t act like you don’t know what this is. Just relax. I won’t tell anyone and if you tell anyone, I will tell your mom about that boy”
I was young but I knew what blackmail felt like. I was scared of what my mother would do to me knowing I had sex with David. I lay back down in the bed and I felt her hand come up inside me while her mouth was all over my privates. I lay there and felt a little bit more of my honesty drift out of me. I couldn’t believe it.
The next few days were hard. I couldn’t look at myself the same way.
I believe I avoided a mirror at all costs during that period. I wasn’t a virgin but it just felt different to be violated. It felt like something was stolen from you. Like you worked for something, even if it wasn’t your hardest effort, and then someone comes and takes it away.
Aunty Comfort was super nice to me over the next few days. Trying to show me how to put makeup on and letting me get extra food when I was hungry. It was all a bribe but all it taught me was how to understand deception and be more deceptive myself.
I played dumb for the most part; acting like whatever had happened didn’t faze me or reflect in my behavior. The only difference was that I couldn’t look at myself and I stayed in my room.
In a way, I felt like a veil was lifted off my eyes. I watched Comfort smile in the eyes of my parents and pretend that she had not done despicable things to me. I felt a little bit more of darkness surround the positive light I saw life in. People are just evil.
You hear stories daily of children that got violated and kept it a secret from their parents because they didn’t want to deal with it or they didn’t know how to, I was the opposite.
About a week had passed since the incident and I could not contain it inside me anymore.
It was a Saturday afternoon and Comfort was at the mall with her friends. Both my parents were sitting in the living room. My dad was reading a newspaper and my mother was working on work stuff like she always did at home. I walked into the living room and asked my mother to come to my room that I wanted to show her something.
The way I asked was awkward. My dad looked up at me briefly and then back to his papers like I was a fly that buzzed by his ear. My mother followed me to my room.
Closing the door behind her, she pulled up the chair in the corner next to my dresser and sat down. I sat on my bed with my head down.
“Is your period heavy again?”
she asked. I looked up at her and then bowed my head again. I shook my head in disapproval.
“Okay, so what is it dear?”
She asked looking around my room at the state of it’s cleanliness.
I wanted to talk but I found it hard to put the words together. I was scared. I just wasn’t sure how it would all play out.
Slowly, I noticed my mom’s face start to become covered in concern. I wanted to bail then. I should have just lied. I shouldn’t have told her the truth. I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t have trusted her.
“Did a boy touch you?”
Interesting how that was her first question, I shook my head. I still couldn’t say it out loud.
“ Efia, did someone touch you?”
I nodded slowly. Tears were beginning to fill my eyes. I didn’t feel safe talking to my mother about this. I wanted to run but I was glued in place.
My mother sat up straight. Something about her stance wasn’t comforting. Thinking about it now, it must have felt like she was being traumatized all over again. But it was still her duty to protect me, especially from whatever hurt she might have faced before.
“Who was it? Did they beat you?
The last question coming out as she pointed towards my body. I shook again.
Now I could tell she was angry and ready to kill. Her eyes were bigger. Her voice was louder. I could feel her breath on my thighs below my shorts and her anger choked the room.
she asked with her voice raised and leaning in towards me. I backed up and seemed to cower and then I answered
Boom. I dropped it. Right there. I felt scared at the time but mostly glad I had said it but I started to cry.
Tears streaming down my eyes, I looked up at my mother and she looked defeated. She looked like the stuffing was knocked out of her but somewhat relieved. Why? I wasn’t sure. I sensed it might have been because a boy did not violate me. She knew what I was saying. She knew what had been done to me.
I was now crying full tears and my mother was sitting down across from me with her head down. She was not comforting me in anyway and I didn’t know how it was all supposed to work so I just sat there and cried.
It wasn’t up to two minutes later when the door opened. It was my dad. He saw me crying and immediately came over to me and sat next to me.
He had a look of surprise on his face while directed his question at my mom.
“What is going on sweetie? Efia, why are you crying?”
He had his arm around me pulling me close and cuddling me. I felt safe as I sobbed. I didn’t answer his question. I looked up at my mother to answer. I wanted her to explain it but in that moment, she broke my heart forever.
“Nothing honey, she’s just having a really painful flow”
my mom lied to my dad.
“Aww, sorry my baby. It will be alright okay. Maybe you should get dressed and we can go and get some pizza?”
he responded trying to make me feel better. I didn’t move but I looked up at my mother. Our eyes met. My heart shattered.
She was embarrassed by my hurt and she covered it up.
I remember returning from a friend’s house after church the next day to Comfort’s empty room. She was gone. I would find out many years later that my mother never told Comfort’s mother. It was just swept under the rug.
My mother and Comfort’s mother were still friends when I last checked because she never knew about it and my father never did either.
I was even more confused as to why my mother did not fight for me. Why didn’t she do more?We never talked about that day or the incident again but you bet your life, it left its mark on me.
. . . . . .
Ride Out ft. Iyanya by Angel
“Damien, I don’t fucking care!!!! I’m over this shit. It’s always one thing or the other with you. I agree I’m not open enough and I keep things close to my chest but that’s me! That’s how I’ve always been. Deal with it!”
I could see confusion in his eyes. I was overreacting and I had been yelling at him for almost 10 minutes inside my car while parked in front of his apartment. He had followed me from inside where the argument had started.
I had been having a bad day when I got to his house. My mother had told me that she was coming from her base in London to spend 2 weeks in the US and she wanted to stay at my house for a few days to spend quality time. Now I love my mother don’t get me wrong, but I could not stand the idea of being in a space with her. That was the first thing to annoy me that day.
Damien and I were having a conversation about taking our situation to the next level. We had been exclusive for about two months and I wanted more but Damien was hesitant because of my irrationality and my go-to reaction of always leaving whenever I was upset.
“I don’t know if a relationship is the best thing right now Efia. You’re supposed to be going back to the States in 3 days. We are on two separate ends of the world. It will be too hard”
He explained to me and it made sense but I responded with,
“I get that but I can go to the US and work on getting transferred back to our office out here. We just have to be on the same page”
“That still doesn’t address your sometimes erratic behavior though, your sometimes hot and cold demeanor. It’s hard to give you all of me if you can easily throw it all away”
he chimed back and I lost it. I yelled back,
“You don’t love me. You never have. It has always been about the sex and the time for you. Now I want more and you have excuses! Fuck this, I’m out!”
I ran out to my car and he followed me. He got into the car and kept trying to explain himself. He told me he loved me and saw a future with me but the uncertainties made him uncomfortable and he wanted us to carefully make a decision. All smart points but I wasn’t having it. Today was not my day. I kept yelling at him and then he made the biggest mistake ever.
While I was yelling and motioning in the car, he asked me to calm down and then he placed his hands on me.
“Calm down Efia, you look crazy right now and you know I live here”
All I heard was “Calm down and you look crazy”. Two phrases no woman wants to hear when she’s heated.
I just went into overdrive. I hopped out of the car and slammed the door shut. I headed for his apartment complex that was gated. I pulled up my dress from my ankles and began to climb the gate. I briefly turned and noticed Damien in the passenger seat of my car, his face had one look on it; STUNNED.
I hopped down on the other side and headed into his apartment. I went straight to his room and picked up my bags. I had 3 of them and I was only staying for a night, I was horrible at packing. I was struggling to carry all the bags out of the room when Damien barged into the room.
I had never seen him that angry before but it was different. It was channelled and controlled.
He snatched the bags out of my hands and threw them to the floor. In one move, he swept me and pinned me to the wall. He kissed me hard. His lips and the heat from his nostrils burned my neck as he kissed his way down. In certain places he bit, hard enough to not give me a hickey but I felt the pain. I was beginning to get wet. He was reacting and in a weird way, it validated that he cared. Some of you ladies know what I mean.
I was getting wetter down there and I knew he was going to make his way there soon. He had his right hand around my neck, slightly choking me. He bit gently on my nipples as he sucked on them. I wanted him inside of me
He lifted me up and slammed me onto the bed. He placed his hands on my knees then he slid them upwards, lifting my dress and then downward with my panties in his hands.
He could see my wetness now and he licked his lips. He still made no eye contact with me. He pushed my legs up and back as far as they could go and he stuck his tongue inside my pink. He was rough today with just the right amount of aggression. My body was shaking now.
He continued to patrol my pink while his face became soaked in all my wetness. I could feel more and more drops seep out of me as he went for more. I was nearing cumming hard on his face when I snapped my hips together and I might have hurt his head but he backed up for a minute while I got up and ran for the bathroom. I didn’t want him to make me cum yet. I was turned on, scared of his anger and already shaking.
He got up and growled while following me into the bathroom, he turned me around as he closed the seat to the toilet bowl.
“Kneel on top of it”
he said in the most commanding tone he had. I obeyed and knelt down.
He spread my cheeks and slowly slid his throbbing member inside me. I don’t know if it was because it was the angry sex but it was hard and felt bigger than usual. He didn’t begin slow or go gently like he normally would. He went for the jugular. He squeezed my cheeks apart as he slid in and out. He grabbed my waist and began pounding; each thrust going deeper than the last one. I could feel it in my gut but I couldn’t feel my legs. He moved his left hand and grabbed a handful of my braids. He began to pull as he fucked me. My breasts settling on the cold of the toilet, he continued to ram into me. I was moaning loudly.
“What’s my name? Who’s pussy is this?”
Were the questions he asked as he worked his throbbing dick into me.
“Say my fucking name!”
“Damie…. Dam…. Damien…”
I moaned out with my head kicked back due to his hold. It was only a matter of time before he exploded. He let go of my hair and grabbed my waist tighter and had 5 really hard thrusts before pulling out and spraying all his seed on my left ass check.
We both ended up in bed next to each other, no words said. Before I knew it, it was morning. Damien was gone and I had to leave too. I didn’t hear from Damien again that weekend.
It was now Monday morning and I was scheduled to fly back to the US that morning, I had called Damien again that morning but there no answer. I was sad. I think I might have blown it. I had stopped by his house the day before and he was not there. He was gone and I was about to fly to the other side of the world without saying goodbye to the man I had fallen in love with.
The cab driver helped me put all my bags in the car and I left my keys in the mailbox for the landlord, I was headed home; my real home.
On the car ride to the airport, I kept asking myself about how I lost it all. I knew I needed to work on my anger, short fuse, and erratic behaviour. I needed to be a better woman for me and for the future I wanted to have.
I arrived at the airport and checked in. I was doing everything slowly to give Damien enough time to show up. Nothing.
I could hear them now calling my name as the boarding for my flight was almost done. Sadness covered me. I truly loved that man and he wasn’t there to see me off. It brought tears to my eyes.
I kept on hoping that he would show up like in the movies and I got nothing. I’d fucked up.
I knew I was imperfect, I knew I needed work and I knew he had been patient and understanding. It was a blessing to have him, at least before I lost him. I placed my headphones in my ears trying to navigate my emotions.
I was drifting into my thoughts and thinking about sleeping in my bed in Detroit, pizza and watching Basketball when I felt a hand on my shoulder. My heart skipped a beat. I slowly opened my eyes….
I slowly realized that if I don’t comment at the bottom of this post, @adewus4real will find me and not give me plantain. And na only me go waka come but it will be a deadly day. Make we no die on the line abeg! COMMENT!!!!
Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated.
Lookout for Part 3 of Imperfect next Saturday
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