There are some mornings that are slow, 

some mornings that I don’t know

There are days where the sound that bellows through my world is a ceiling fan or the 20 trains of thoughts racing across the map vastly drawn by my experiences, interactions, footprints that I’ve registered all around the world. 

There are days where my right arm is asleep because it holds the head of someone graceful and comfortable enough to let their guard down and find solace in my throbbing bicep while I lay awake wondering when I would get invited into the version of safety that they feel as they silently snore next to me.

There are moments where the dance is beautiful but the music is sad and there are days where the steps are clumsy because the music brings so much joy, happiness as the tenor, peace like the unmissable but not pinching soprano. 

And then there are mornings like today where none of it 

and everything exists at the same time. 

There is no head on the pillow, 

there is no sleep within thine eyes, t

here is no joy dancing within my soul 

but then there is me 

there is God o 

and the comfort in knowing that if everything else fails you’re still loved by The One.

Now of course many of you reading this would say clearly you have a lot of love in your life and that is true. I’ve spent the last few weeks celebrating some of the people who are dearest to me and at the same time I found myself on the brink of the unknown. In the last couple of months I’ve been traveling everywhere and anywhere.

Home, 

abroad, 

close, 

far, 

present, 

absent. 

Much of it has felt like going through the busy and often unspoken part of building community – the showing up.

Invitations to life changing delicious Crème brûlée pancakes or dizzying pasta dishes that fill you up and remind you that there is love in food as much as there’s love in the people that you hold dear. I’ve been scheduling what is supposed to be my rest before my long next set of trips. I’ve found people try to find me while I’m finding myself.

There’s so much that’s going on in the world lately. I recently asked a friend why they thought more and more people have been visibly attracted to me. Now if you’re attracted to me and you’re reading this blog do not be discouraged – you are not alone. Cryinggggg Sanmi why are you like this? Okay, I am joking o.

Okay maybe not but let’s proceed.

If anything the fact that other people are attracted to me validates the point that you smart!* because people want what you want. You might be a visionary you might have wanted it first but you know props to you. At the same time it feels overwhelming because what is more beautiful than being wanted but not by the person that you want? 

You didn’t expect that one, huh? 

Now maybe that is my life.

Maybe it’s not. 

Who knows? 

Maybe I’m just saying that for dramatic effect as I write this. 

We’ll never know.

Joking, Am I? 

Read that last line backwards and rest LOL

But isn’t it so beautifully complex? One thing I’m learning to appreciate more and more as I get older is understanding how even in the beautiful interactions you have with certain people you are reminded that some people are there only for a moment, for time, for a season. And then some people like my best friends are for the entirety of the journey. 

A lifetime.

So back to that attraction thing. Now I’m not talking about like the unknown in terms of like you can’t tell if that person really likes you. I’m talking about some women be putting it on.

Now I also want to say this for the fellas. If you’re out there confused if you feel confused about whether or not she likes you, she doesn’t like you, bro. Or maybe you’re just not attractive enough.

I’m here to tell you the truth today. And I know majority of my readers are women. So for the few guys that are here, sorry that I had to break that truth to you.

But if you’re guessing? if you have to ask them? if you have to try to sort their actions to find moments that validate whether or not they like you, then odds are they might care, but maybe they don’t like you enough. Because one thing that has become very obvious to me in the last few weeks is that when a woman likes you, my brother, you go know. And the ones that have the confidence, the experience will find a way to make it obvious and then make the decision fall back into your court for you to decide what you want to do with that attraction.

And ladies, if you are confused or unsure if he knows you like him – then you have not made it obvious enough. 

 It is very hard for folks to reconcile the fact that I love to dress up, I have different talents that God has put in me – put a pin in that I’m going to come back to the talents in a second –  the fact that I’m good at a bunch of different things, I work hard, I try to take care of myself, it has been a lot.

Even in all of that, people don’t realize that I’m very shy. Oftentimes, I simply just want the gaze of the person that I want and I simply just want the gaze of the person that my gaze is fixed on.

And to have the overwhelming reaction, and I’m talking the grocery store, I’m talking the bank. Who goes into the bank anymore, by the way? There’s something about the uptick. And the only thing I can confidently attribute it to is the light of the Lord, because I don’t think that there’s anything unique that I do.

And maybe there are other guys out there that get way more attention than me, and I should just relax. But it has been quite a bit. And somehow, some people assume that it should make you feel higher in the world.

But if anything, it then brings on the pressure of the fact it’s not why I want to be seen. I want to be experienced in the world for the things that I am blessed with, my talents, my gifts, the fruits of the Spirit within me. And at this phase of my life, that is probably the second biggest area of pressure or stress, is that I do not feel like I am fully maximizing my talents the way I should.

Yes, I am writing and in the last few years, this is the most consistent I have written on this blog. And I still have a novel that I need to get to. Sanmi Saturdays is still a thing that I haven’t fully fleshed out just yet, and I want to.

But at least I’m posting on the blog. But I’m not editing the videos I should be editing. I’m not posting the pictures I should be posting.

I’m not sharing the other gifts that God has given me. I’m not singing at church like I used to  for over a decade.

I am not writing this book that I’m supposed to be finishing up. I feel like I am wasting my window, and I know folks would point to some people who made it in their 40s, and J.K. Rowling, and Chimamanda, and this person, and that person, and I get it. And I know God’s timing is the best.

But I also fully understand the folks who just get to their mid to late 30s, and they say, hey, I’m taking a year or two off work completely. And maybe I need to start considering doing that, because the work doesn’t let up. The better I get at my job, at doing my job, at delivering, I get more and more work put on my plate.

So there isn’t going to be a time where you’re going to just fully have nothing to do, which is where that depression comes in, because you have to make the time. So because I love to leave you all with a lesson, even while I have a therapy session with myself, this blog, here’s a lesson I would say – make sure you’re doing at least something.

At least one of the areas is being covered, and you’re doing something to further yourself. So if you’re not writing, maybe you’re reading. Maybe you’re mapping out what the process will look like eventually.

Just be doing something. Last but not least this week, I wanted to ask you all, does liking Instagram pictures, does it matter to you all? I don’t know what it is, but I have never been in a relationship or liked someone and deeply cared about who they were, liked. The only time that has happened to me was someone that I thought was physically more advanced.

I wouldn’t even say more attractive than me. I liked someone and I could tell that they were more invested in the fitness or lifestyle content of somebody else. And a little bit of jealousy crept in there.

But more than that, I think I use the app the wrong way, because I’ve been accused of “when I see baddies, your like is there.”

But for real, na non fine people I suppose dey like their picture?
I don’t know what it is, but I like everything on the app. There are some things that I don’t like.

Even an ex, if I saw a picture or video, something you posted that looks fire, I will like it. I think that is what the app is for, is to let people, is to acknowledge the creativity, the ability to compose either pictures or captions or videos or outfits and recognize that. So when I see that or when my explore page suggested to me, I will not hesitate to like it.

Now, you have to know me well enough to my core to know that I actually don’t care about those people or even some of my content. When I post certain things, I move on. I don’t go back to look at who watched.

I don’t go back to look at how many likes it got. The one I care about the most probably is when I make cooking videos, when I see a lot of saves, you know, either means I edited it well or I made it look appealing enough to others. And that I will always be proud of.

But outside of that, I don’t care. So imagine my frustration being questioned and I also think it’s important that in relationships, you don’t use always and never, because saying something like, “whenever I see a baddie, you’re always in their likes”

First of all, there’ll be weeks where I don’t post anything.

There are months where people have to reach out to me and be like, 

“hey, are you good?” 

“Are you on a break?”

“Why are you not posting?” So I don’t know. I wanted to ask you all, and maybe if there are fellas that are reading this, maybe you can chime in as well because of how you receive it with, you know, women. Because for example, I will say I don’t have the same reaction in terms of women when it comes to them liking men’s content.

I think it just feels like a lot more women use the app and a lot more women post. That’s just my perspective. I know as a heterosexual adult man, I am probably getting fed more  women’s content – pictures and videos.

I think that’s what Instagram thinks that I would want in this phase of my life. So less men, but I like the guys that follow me and I respect them. I like their content.

When I see it, I post it. I try to amplify it, but I’m curious to find out like, do people care that deeply? And is someone’s Instagram liking behavior indicative of the kind of person that they are? Because in my mind, I’ve seen people who don’t post anything at all, but they’re the biggest cheats. I’ve seen people who like everything and they don’t like me, who don’t even remember what they liked.

Like sometimes I go in the app, like I go once a day, like around midnight. That’s usually when I would end up posting my gym pictures and they’re done. And sometimes I just go to the reels tab and I like everything I see, or I go to my explore page and I’m like, Ooh, my friend follows this person.

I like that. And I just keep it pushing. 

I don’t remember it.

And then sometimes six months later, that same profile will repost something. And then I’ll be like, Oh, that’s a nice picture. And I click on it and I’m like, Oh, I’ve liked the picture of this person six months ago.

I don’t recall this, but still a nice picture though. Like it and move on again.

So I’m curious to find out is, is, is Instagram that serious to people? Um, I want to know. Anyways, last but not least, summer is almost here. It’s basically here.

If you haven’t been in the gym, if you haven’t been taking care of yourself or your diet, you probably have maybe a few more weeks to try to get right. Um, not saying that to overwhelm you or make you feel sad, but I actually brought that up to say, try to book something, even if it’s a staycation in your city. Um, even if it’s like a weekend trip, try to do something, get a change of scenery, afford yourself the time to rest.

If you can, you deserve it. You’ve worked hard so far for the first half of the year and you deserve a pat on the back. I’m pretty sure I would write to you all again before then, but if I don’t, here’s me telling you, take some time for yourself and let’s all be kinder to each other.

It’s been a hard working year – you and I deserve grace, kindness, rest, and love. 

So until next time,

Stay up!

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