It’s 5:42pm and I need to head to choir practice soon. I am looking at items on aisle E2 at Target and listening to worship songs through my AirPods.
I’m on the brink.
The next song, the next beat, the next string may break me.
I turn to head to another aisle and it happens.
I drop to my knees and I begin sobbing.
It’s been as if my chest has been tight for weeks. Something – I don’t know the thing – has been heavy on my spirit.
Actually, it’s a lie. I know at least one of the things.
But back to me on the floor in Target.
This is the culmination of weeks and months of holding it in. Being strong.
And finally, right next to the dish soap, I broke.
Describe what peace of mind looks like to you?
Take a moment and think about it. No, stop reading and just think about it.
When was the last time you felt peace?
Not your house/home being freshly cleaned and quiet with a candle lit.
That’s peaceful. Not peace.
The peace part is inside you.
It’s intangible but when it’s present, it fills up the whole room and some can’t see it.
But they can feel it.
This particular edition of WordsOfWednesday is a dump.
Its a few of my thoughts from many months.
So yes, they may be all over the place but I hope they connect with some of you.
I was at the Maverick City and Kirk Franklin show last Friday and many times I cried.
Before they started, I wrote out a list of prayer points and I hoped God would speak to me.
As I write this portion, I feel like I will cry again at any moment.
But here we are.
Writing brings me peace. I just want the one that stays.
It’s been many months of fleeting emotions. On various trips, I forget my worries.
I detach but I have found that if you don’t spend time finding the peace that stays, you’ll never have for too long.
I used to have it in church, now two weeks in a row I watched the service from home and rolled my eyes.
I used to find it in friends but I feel like many have forgotten what it feels like to truly be there.
Sometime last year, someone old me that one of my brake lights was out. I have some work that I need to do on my car, so basically I ignored fixing the light.
But I realized that I was always afraid to drive at night.
If a police car came up behind me, I would drive and hope I didn’t have to step on my brakes.
This happened for months, almost a full year.
Then one day while getting my oil changed, I asked the guy if he could help me change my lights. I already had the bulbs in the car the whole time.
A few minutes later it was done and I was driving off at peace.
It got me thinking about how many times, we are the architects of our own heartache.
Many times we just need to take a few minutes/hours/days to focus on fixing that one thing but we choose to put it off and it hurts.
That healing, that letting go of pain, that closing a chapter – we put it off for so long and it hurts us even more.
Don’t be like me, fix your light.
Clean on the inside, clean on the outside
A few weeks ago, my friend’s father celebrated his 70th birthday.
I was privileged to sing at the event.
When it came to giving speeches about him, everyone basically said similar things. The biggest one was that he was the same man inside the home as he was outside.
Like they literally meant, the version the world see is who he is to the core.
For me, it was humbling in many ways.
Most especially because I knew I had to aspire for that.
Are you the same when the lights are off or you’re in a different crew?
Will people say your core values never waver?
It really got me thinking and it’s something I want to strive for.
Who are you? Like truly!
Forget all the stuff you do for people and outward things – when you are sitting in your car – alone and reflecting, who are you?
Personally, I am a beautiful and flawed soul.
I am kind, thoughtful, patient (to those I like and some people), generous (with time and resources), introspective, highly irritable, stubborn, sometimes stoic and so.
I know myself – to a certain degree.
The challenge here remains, that sometimes we put ourselves in situations that force us to question who we really are.
Nothing should be making you doubt your true self and if you are in spaces that do that, you need to leave.
For me, the times that I have felt like I didn’t know myself were the times when I went searching for acceptance over being true to myself. Most of the times I have clashed with people, a part of it is rooted in the fact that I know myself and regardless of their opinions, I wouldn’t budge on my core self.
I heard a short sermon at a worship session today (more on that later) and the word simply said
“God has already loved you the way you are. He has chosen and accepted you. We just spend our whole lives trying to come to that realization even though it was settled long ago”.
It struck me. The sadness I feel right now is rooted in the fact that I wanted to be accepted by certain people but upon true evaluation, they added nothing to my life. So why continue to feel less than for people or spaces that don’t leave me with more?
Again, know thyself. Know what makes you tick. What your flaws and strengths are. Your vices.
Your limits and boundaries.
And then hold them.
Evolve but don’t “change” – stay true to you because in your life, you are your only constant.
Thanks for reading!
Leave me a comment below with your thoughts.