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Amnesia 2

Amnesia 2

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 @adewus4real #WhatTheHeckMan

I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me… like I was going to die. This could not be happening. The doctor held onto me as I began sobbing like a little baby. I was distraught. The doctor explained to me that there had been some complications and the baby was putting Lindsey’s life at risk.

Why?“ … Why did this have to happen?” I asked looking to God.

I was wailing like my whole world was crushed when the janitor walked into the room and helped the doctor lift my wailing and embarrassing self off the ground. This was unfair!

I truly could not believe my ears. I’m pretty sure I cried for about 3 days straight and Lindsey even longer.  It was heartbreaking. All our hopes and dreams; gone. I questioned God. I questioned life. I questioned the strength our love. That was the time when we needed each other the most but that was the time we failed.

It all began when I noticed that she had been in contact with the father of the child; a former friend of mine. With our growing apart, she was seeking solace somewhere else. Was it my fault that I couldn’t get over what had happened? It was date after date. Late nights and no texts back. Smelling like another man’s cologne when she returned home in the early hours of the morning. She would come in and curl up next to me. We would still have sex but it was just sex. There was no love between us. Slowly I began to hate her. God was not answering my questions and I needed someone to hate and so I turned all my hate to Lindsey. It was her fault. She had sex with someone else. This was supposed to be someone else’s cross to carry and not mine. I did not set foot into the nursery we had prepared for the baby for almost 2 months. I was deteriorating; and crashing fast.

Alcohol was only one of my poisons and it was affecting every aspect of my life; from work to relationships to extended family. I was depressed and just wanted to be away from Lindsey at all times. I truly hated her because every time I looked at her, I imagined what the baby would have looked like. I just wanted to die. Therapy was ordered by my job and we went for the first few sessions and then I gave up on it. I was not motivated to force myself to get over the pain. Lindsey let go faster than I did and I hated her even more for that.

Meth burning through my pockets faster than it was taking to cook. I remember one evening when I was out by the water where I normally go to clear my head. I was so high and I just sat there… alone and helpless. I don’t know where the thoughts came from and I want to stand by them not being hallucinations but I began to take my clothes off. It was only after a passerby asked me what I was doing that I realized that I had been standing stark naked overlooking the water. What was happening to me?

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.   .   .   .   .

It had been three months since we lost our baby girl. I was still not over it. I think there was a part of me as a man that wanted to stand for something. Something bigger than me and being the best father I could be was the start to that. Religiously, every Friday night, I would go to the park where I had hoped to take my baby girl. Clutching the one blouse I bought her in my hand, I would imagine what could have been until tears flooded my eyes or until I got drunk; whichever came first.

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One night, I returned home fairly tipsy after a few drinks at the bar down the street from my house. Walking in, I heard Lindsey on the phone. I ignored her and stumbled my way up the stairs into the room. I was laying face up on the bed staring at the ceiling fan. Slowly I began to get dizzy… I closed my eyes. Deep breathe in; I’m not even sure if I exhaled. I could feel sleep begin to overtake me.

I heard Lindsey walk into the room to make sure I was asleep, but I wasn’t. With my eyes closed and my heart rate significantly lower, I understand why someone would have thought I wasn’t awake. I could hear her talking to her friend; not sure which gossipy one it was but they were talking about a man. It only took a few more lines to piece together that she was talking about Devin, the same fucking guy that got her pregnant. Putting it all together, I deducted that he had been over at the house earlier. She was talking about how much of a good kisser he was and how he was a gentleman for not going further and trying to take it to the “next level”.

I was fuming now. In my drunken stupor, I got off the bed and charged at her in the living room. Snatching the phone and throwing it in one sweeping motion, I broke it on the wall. She was livid. She glared at me in anger and shock for a good minute and then got up and walked out without muttering a word. I was still angry. I tried to follow her into the room but she had locked the door. The couch was my bed that night. I woke up in the middle of the night flooded with regret, anger and confusion.

“Was she moving on to someone else?”

“How could she?”

I wasn’t ready for all of this. I was going to attempt to talk to her the next day. I turned over and looked at the broken phone in the corner of the room. It looked like a shiny new toy that was now useless and broken like it belonged to a petulant kid who felt they were more than they really were. It was small and had landed in the corner near the bathroom door. It was never going to amount to anything. My eyes grew heavy and they batted slowly. Sleep had arrived.

.   .   .   .   .

“This is just a friendly reminder that your Comcast bill is overdue. Please contact us to avoid disconnection…”

That was the voicemail off the answering machine tailed off as I poured myself a cup of coffee. My head was pounding in my hands. My eyes were heavy. I was clearly hung over. Lindsey was gone when I woke up. Her things were still here so I’m guessing she wasn’t gone for good.

I looked at the time; it was 11:28am. If this was a Saturday, it would have made sense but it wasn’t. Tuesday morning and I was here at home with a hangover and absolutely no motivation or fucks to give. Days like this where I missed work were becoming the norm. I slumped into the couch, turned on the television and began watching the typically annoying court shows.

I looked at myself. A progressive programmer slumped in my couch like a bum with no direction in life catching ICDC college commercials. It began to depress me. I got up and went to the bedroom to pick up my phone.

16 unread text messages, the two most important ones read;

Lindsey: Received 8:03am

YOU NEED HELP. GIVE ME SPACE.”

Audrey: Received 9:46am

Guess who’s back?! I’m in town. We need to ‘connect’ J ”

I smiled after reading the second message. Audrey was the one I had wanted to be with before I got back with Lindsey but she had gone to Thailand to volunteer for a few years so it never really took off. There was an obvious connection and physical attraction between us, but she respected the fact that I was with someone so she kept it low-key. I wasn’t technically single so I wasn’t too hyped about doing anything. It did cross my mind though. Exploring things with Audrey that is…

“Welcome back! And yes we should hangout sometime.”

I wrote back to her carefully avoiding her subtle invitation for sex.

The conversations went on for a few more weeks without me really trying to push for anything. We had gone to the movies once and met at a mutual friends birthday dinner but nothing happened.  One Sunday evening I returned home from visiting a friend in a neighboring city. It was late and Lindsey wasn’t home. I was settling in and preparing for the next day when I realized that I hadn’t washed the shirt I was planning on wearing the next day. I rushed to throw it in the washer but I noticed some other clothes were in there. I took them out and placed them on the dryer right next to me. I put my shirt and a few other items in and started the wash. I opened the dryer to throw in the damp clothes only to find some clothes in there as well. I pulled them out and moved them out of the way. In motion I realized that they were men’s clothes. More importantly they were not mine… And I was talking men’s undergarments! I somehow already knew what was going on. I dropped them in the empty hamper and reached for my phone. I texted Lindsey to find out what had happened with Devin

Me: Was he here?

Lindsey: Yes

Me: Did you have sex with him?

Her response was delayed but the torn condom wrappers in the bathroom already answered the question. It was done.

Her response came in as my phone buzzed,

Lindsey: “Yes. I’m sorry”

It was a slow double break of my heart. I sat on the toilet seat and cried. I had just lost my best friend; again.

.   .   .   .   .

 Audrey was my release. She was the ‘new’ that I needed. Completely taking my mind of Lindsey who I hadn’t heard from or spoken to since the day she came to my house with Devin to pack out all her things. It was amicable. And I was ready to move on.

Audrey and I had been going great and the heat between us was building. So this fateful evening, it was going to happen. We had dinner at my favourite family restaurant downtown. We talked, laughed and headed uptown for the rest of the night. I gave her a soft kiss on the cheek and said “Zina Street” along with the name of the hotel. As we had both come from work we drove separately. We arrived at the hotel only a few minutes apart and I asked her to wait for me in her car while I went in.

I’d called the hotel about 2 hours prior to quickly book a suite. I lied to them that I had forgotten my anniversary and was in dire need to save the night. Who doesn’t love helping a love story? The ladies at the front desk were very helpful. I told them her name and asked that they send her up to the room when she walked in. The ladies seemed so happy to be part of a great thing. I ran up to the room and set it up. Candles were lit; the bottle of wine placed was placed in ice while I filled up the bathtub with water and bubbles. With slow jazz now playing in the background, I texted her to come up.

A few minutes later she was outside the door. I asked her to keep her eyes closed which she did. Slowly I led her into the room and put her bags down. I gently kissed her soft lips as my tongue waited patiently for its moment to explore. She kissed me back. Her lips were soft like the fresh warm middle of a muffin right out of the oven. I wanted more. I gently pulled her in and kissed her deeply. My tongue searching the insides of her mouth as her tongue responded in navigating my cavity. I slowly began to take her clothes off. Moments later she was completely naked. I fought the urge to devour her welcoming body; I failed. Taking in her breasts one in each hand, I kissed her neck down to her collarbone. I could hear the moans as I led her into the bathroom. I whispered in her ears,

Open your eyes

Gently she did as she was taken aback by the room illuminated only by candles. She was beaming and with a sly smile on her face she began to take my clothes off. Gently we stepped into the hot water in the tub filled with scented bubbles working in tandem with the candles. On top of my package she sat looking into my eyes. No words said… We just kissed and held each other tight. It felt like she was taking all of me as I opened my body to take her into me. The water was a little hot but the heat between was definitely more than I had felt in a while. The way she kissed me was like someone trying to explain their feelings, in a short time, all at once. For a minute we broke the kiss and I looked into her eyes before gently sliding into her. The pace was slow. It was the type of time one could say “I made love.”

Our eyes did most of the talking as our bodies glued in the mid-sized tub. I could feel the water seeping between our thighs as I thrust in and out of her wet cream pie. It was nothing like I had felt before. This felt like a communication of the body with eyes and other parties. Shortly after the party was over, we sat in the tub as I washed her down and she did the same, with a few kisses occasionally breaking our bathing session. Her body was gorgeous. From her silky flowing black hair to her bulky calves that folded on my lap. I wanted all of her. I was not sure if I wanted all of her because I just wanted something new but I was sure that I wanted to be everything to her and more. Slowly we stepped out of the tub and dried off. Climbing into the bed more sex would follow till we passed out. I had never been ridden like that by any woman in my life. She had a way of making her ass control the pulse in my hard member. Speeding it up till I was about to cum but making sure that I lasted long enough for her to get off. She was great! I turned over to her as we finished our glasses of wine and said,

Audrey…

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Look out for Part 3

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Amnesia

Amnesia

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                              @adewus4real #WhatTheHeckMan

“There!”

I said as I placed my hands on my head and scanned the newly decorated living room of my new place. It had finally come together. I slumped into a sitting position in the corner of the room. Looking out of the window as the sun rays squeezed into the room through the blinds.  This had been a process. Not just the setting up of the place but the gathering of my life together again.

I looked at my keys sitting on the coffee table in the middle of the room. I got up and reached for them. Out the door I went as I trudged to the mailbox. Opening it, I gathered all the mail for the week and headed back. Mortgage payments, credit cards and even a wedding hall deposit payment. These were my regulars. I was paying for a wedding and I wasn’t even…. Never mind.

 

For the past 3 months, I had been living with my cousin; Juliet. I moved out of my home during one of the craziest periods of my life. I opened mail after mail, setting and marking the corresponding bill to a due date on the calendar next to my door cabinet. I sat down on the couch, laptop to my right and some urgent bills in hand. I turned on the sound system; Pandora was playing my “Smooth Jazz” channel. I opened up my laptop and placed it on my lap. It was a $382 bill for the hall.  This was my eighth bill; one every month for the past eight. I glanced at my fingers. No wedding ring. A slow heat of rage was building within me, I was getting angry. Why was I paying for a hall and I wasn’t getting married? Well it’s a long story.

I picked up my keys and headed out the door, I needed some air. My angry fumes were threatening to burn my place down.

.   .   .   .    .

 Lindsey and I met when I was a freshman in college. She was one too. She went to a prestigious university and I was at a community college nearby after transferring over from Nigeria. I was still trying to settle down and find my way when I was introduced to her through a friend of a friend. I thought she was stuck up for whatever reason. I think it was because she was really beautiful, smart and I was somewhat intimidated by her. She grew up here and I was this fresh of the boat African lad, who was mostly mute with the fear of embarrassing myself if I ever opened my mouth. Even though she went to a different school and all, we always seemed to be around each other with our friends. Slowly, we got close. I remember knowing for months that I liked her and I wasn’t sure how to tell her. There were some awkward moments where I thought she would have known that I liked her.

One time, she walked in on my friend and I arguing about the women we hung out with and I was vehemently defending her. She pretended not to have heard anything. She would later tell me years after that the passion I showed in defending her was attractive and one of the reasons we ended up together.

After about 6 months, I began to notice a change in her attitude towards me. She was texting back; faster and initiating conversations. I was not sure what to feel but I really liked it. That summer, she came to my school to take summer classes since they were cheaper at mine than at her school. I think this was where it all built up into something. I would see her almost everyday and since I had no way of getting around, she was my chauffeur. She did everything with a smile. The way she carried herself was just a joy to watch and be around.

 

One afternoon, she picked me up and drove me to her apartment. The plan was to rent a movie and watch a film while we ate. For whatever reason, we were both tired by the time we reached her apartment. She jumped into the bed and asked to take a nap and that we could watch the movie when she wakes up. I hopped in the bed next to her and just laid there. I can’t remember exactly what we were talking about but I know she said something amusing. To my recollection it was some sort of funny slight at me. I began tickling her from behind. She was on the bed facing the wall whilst I had my back to the door. Tickling her she laughed and asked me to stop but I didn’t. Tickling led to gently biting her back and behind her neck, laughing turned to moaning and then I turned her over and got on top of her. I planted a kiss on her lips and we kissed. It was wet and passionate. I had wanted that for so long and for it to finally happen was just pleasing and scary at the same time. Not breaking the kiss, I began to run my hands all over her and then all of a sudden, she jumped up and said,

 

“I have to leave, I have to leave now. I can’t do this!” and then she ran off.

 

I was confused and extremely turned on. I remember telling myself, I don’t care what the outcome was because at least she now knew I had feelings for her. It was the most awkward drive home. I could not wait to get into my house and under my sheets. I was so embarrassed. She had said nothing about the “incident” and I was more worried about her never talking to me again. She dropped me off and did not call for 3 days. In that time I had wanted to die. I thought my whole world had collapsed around me. This woman had my heart and she didn’t even know it yet.

She would finally call me and start by going off on me. And then she slipped this line in there;

“Why didn’t you just tell me?”

 I was shocked and kind of happy. I told her I wasn’t sure if she’d felt the same way hence my holding back. She just teased me and then we joked about it. Over the next few weeks, we made our relationship official.

I always wanted to be with her and around her. It was new love, real love. I remember the night we first had sex. It was at her parent’s house. One of the popular ladies in town had thrown a massive/an elaborate party. The whole community was there so her parent’s home was empty. We snuck out of the party and headed to her there. Nervous, we got into the room and she asked me to lie on the bed on my back. I did and then she handcuffed me to both bedposts and told me not to move. She then went further and blindfolded me. I was terrified. To make matters worse, she’d left a blindfolded and naked me on the bed while she was in the other room, doing something I cannot remember. My mind was wandering.

“What if someone came in? What if this was all a trap and her friends were about to walk in and beat me up?”

All sorts of crazy things flew through my head and then she came back. Sade’s “No Ordinary Love” was now playing in the background as she climbed on the bed. Kissing me down my chest towards my excited package, I was trying to hold it together. Good first impressions during sex are extremely important. I was still blindfolded when I felt something super cold all over my stomach! I was startled and then I realized that it was whipped cream. She was licking it off me as she made her way down to my now hard six-inch member. I was nervous as she took it into her mouth. She sucked like she was new to it too. I couldn’t wait to be out of there. I was beyond myself and out of my skin.

She stopped. I heard her tear open a wrapper and then I felt the cold rubber feeling on top of my package as she slid the condom into position. Asking me to take the blindfold off after removing the cuffs, it was clear to me how beautiful she was. Naked, her dark chocolate skin glowed as her bright smile lit up the room. All of a sudden I was calmer and happy. I was slightly shaking  as I slid into her. It was tight; very tight! It was her first time and I had to be gentle. With slow movements, we warmed up. I remember being so worried about giving her a good time, I forgot to ensure that I didn’t ruin the entire party, which is exactly what I did. The actual intercourse between us lasted about 3 minutes and it was over. Those three minutes though would be the stamp to the beginning of the rest of our lives.

 

I looked up and realized that I had walked almost a mile away from my house to the waterfront. I pushed an empty shopping cart out of my way and I took a seat on a bench by the waterside and drifted back into my thoughts. Memories were dictating me, back into my mind they carried me…

.   .   .   .   .

It was 4 months after I graduated from college that we broke up; Lindsey and I. For whatever reason, it seemed like we had run our course. Things were not the same. Arguments were more frequent and lasted longer. We seemed to love each other but could not be bothered to care holistically about the other anymore and so she eventually broke it off. There was a 3 month period that we did not talk for. One night I hit her up, missing her obviously. I wanted her back in my life. I was not exactly sure why but I knew for a fact that I needed her. She would return and it was date after date, reconnecting our lives and then one night about three and a half weeks into us talking again, she dropped the bombshell.  She was pregnant and she was 75% sure it wasn’t mine.

 

I had been mad, angry, heartbroken and sad. She was supposed to have my babies and not someone else’s. “How could she do this?” I asked myself many times. She broke up with me and then chose to sleep with someone else. I wanted to hate her for it but I couldn’t because I truly loved her.

So I absolutely cut her off. The way I worked back then, if something made me uncomfortable in the slightest way, I removed it from my life and that what I did with her. I just couldn’t believe it. She wanted to get back with me too and that why she sent her best friend to come and talk to me. I really hated that conversation because it tested my resolve and I did not want her friends to see that I still loved her. But I did. I really did.

I think what made it even more difficult for me to swallow was the fact that I knew who the father of the child was.  It was someone that was supposed to be a friend of mine. I once heard somewhere that these “heauxs ain’t loyal” but these fellas are just as bad; maybe even worse.

There are some decisions that should be made solely with your heart or head. I wasn’t sure which part came up with the genius plan but I asked her to move in with me. I rented a two-bedroom apartment and paid for a full year’s worth of rent. It was going to be our home. We were going to raise our kid with love. I was willing to father that child like it was mine because their mother meant the world to me. I was sure we would be amazing parents, as we already loved each other.

 

I remember the night we moved in. The whole week leading up to that day, she had stopped me from having any physical contact with her. It was about 6pm and we were both tired from moving things into our new place. She was wearing her blue short shorts that I liked; the one with her booty hanging out of it. I just wanted her… all of her! I crept into the room as she lay on the bed. Her face was settled into a pillow as she complained about being really tired. I started kissing her calves up to the back of her thighs. She didn’t move but I could hear her muffle words asking me what I was doing. I continued and pulled her shorts down. Still no movement and then I placed my index finger on her clitoris while I moved my head to the back of her neck and gently began kissing her. My finger worked in a side-to-side motion as I continued to kiss her. I turned her over and locked lips with hers. My finger still working, our lips moved in sync as we communicated our feelings without words. Lowering my body, my tongue replaced my finger, which moved to her mouth. She sucked on my finger as my tongue continued to demonstrate precision covering every inch of her lower lips. The flood being parted by my tongue as it searched for answers that only her mouth could give. I continued to nibble on her clit as she moaned my name. I felt like I was filled up when I moved up and slid my member into her. It was slow, passionate love making. The room was candle lit because we hadn’t replaced the bulbs in that room. The sensation was different. I could feel our bodies connecting again. Pushing my dick further into her, she clutched my back and her nails dug deep into me. The pain and pleasure was my fuel as I rammed harder and deeper into her to send a clear message. I was driving her crazy and she whispered in my ear,

“Let me ride it…”

That was not a request I could decline. I got up and laid on the floor. She slid it back inside her and took control. How fast, slow, deep was all her direction. And she was dripping. Up and down, she went. I felt like I was being fucked and she owned it… all of it! And to be very honest, she did. I could feel myself ready to cum. Her juices were flowing down to my shaft to my balls. I was moaning that I was about to cum and I didn’t want to. She responded…

“Cum and I’ll make you hard again and fuck you even harder!”

I kept my mouth shut and continued to enjoy all of her on me and then, right inside her I let it all loose. She clutched her stomach area and smiled saying,

“That was really warm…”

I was trying to catch my breath and then she took my entire dick into her mouth and began sucking. Now every guy can testify that this is one of the most sensitive moments during sex. I let her suck out the last few drops and she continued. I immediately had to push her off when I noticed she knew I was getting hard again.  We curled up naked on the floor. This was home.

.   .   .   .   .

I was out with some friends from work when Lindsey’s sister, who was staying with us, called me and told me to hurry to the hospital. Her water had broken. A few friends congratulated me as I ran out and hurried to the hospital. This was the night. I was beyond excited. I’m pretty sure I did not park my car properly in the parking lot as I got out and rushed into the hospital. A few minutes later I was outside the labour/delivery ward, restlessly pacing up and down the waiting room. I was about to be a father. My family was not happy about it for various reasons; the fact that it was not my child was the most prominent one. But I was about to be a father to a beautiful baby girl that I would love and cherish.  A few months ago when we found out it was girl, I bought her a little pink baby top, which said,

“Always daddy’s little girl”

I couldn’t wait to put it on her and take her to the park near our house or evening walks to the lakeside. I was going to be there for her always. All she needed to do was come to me.

Still pacing in the waiting room, I began praying for the safe delivery of my little girl. I was praying that God would bring both mother and child to me safely… I hated the wait!! After about an hour of anxiously walking back and forth, I was drenched in sweat and starting to get tired when then the doctor walked out. He still had the mouth mask on his face as he approached me. Pulling it off he said the only words that I’d been praying against…

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I could see his mouth moving but it was like I was in an empty room with white noise railing the walls. I was trying to make out what he was saying and the words finally made it through

“I’m sorry sir. We could only save one”

 

Look out for Part 2

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