When did I become a night walker? Welcome to this week’s offering of Words Of Wednesday. I hope you are doing well and taking care of yourself. I’m starting this week’s post on a night walk. I’ve begun to enjoy walking in the evenings. My body feels tight. My back hurts – I can feel the stress in my neck and in the ways that I don’t sleep through the whole night. This week has been good. My mental has been pretty good. I feel fed up about a lot in my life – the things I don’t enjoy really. We’ve been talking a lot about decision fatigue but I am truly just tired. On the work front, you have to be effective. With parents, you have to parent and support. With friends, you have to be intentional. With every other aspect of adulting, if you drop off – you can quickly tank the quality of your happiness.
I’ve been asking myself this question a lot lately. Who do you really want to be? Someone recently tried to come at me sideways and my first instinct was to throw it all away. I don’t want pity or someone making excuses for me and the man that I am. I truly think it is selfish to build castles in your head of who you want people to be and then you get upset that they make decisions that prioritize themselves.
But more importantly, I think it’s cowardly to be silent and I feel like I have been silent too long. When I was younger, I thought I didn’t deserve the love that I go but as I have gotten older, I realize that I deserve more. I’ve been silent all my life – I remember dating someone that was such a good person that I almost felt like I had to accept the love because how could I not? But someone’s best doesn’t always mean it’s the best for you. And you don’t have to feel guilty about that.
I actually wanted to speak on the reality that that dynamic only works from woman to man. There is a level of arrogance with women that because they like you – you have to consider it. Let me put it like this – when a really “good” guy moves to a babe, if he is not what she wants, it doesn’t matter how good or nice he is, she’ll say no. Reverse it – how many times have guys been able to say – “yeah, this is good but it’s not up to what I want”. I once dated someone that I should have ended talking to within a few weeks but they experienced a traumatic event and I felt obligated to stay. It would lead to two years of horror.
Why do I say this? Like I mentioned it’s cowardly to not speak truth on what you really want/need. Don’t be harmful or hurtful but be honest – first with yourself and that person or thing. You deserve the future you want for you. Not the one that someone imagined themselves into.
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I’m further up on my walk and it hit me – I hate walking while black.Or being outside. As I was walking – I thought to myself, what if someone called the police and said “oh we saw a black man walking” and the police pull up. God forbid you are the person they say matches the description by just being outside and being black. Do you know how annoying that must be that you can’t just exist without worrying?
Also, as I’m walking I start thinking about wild animals. Like coyotes, raccoons and such – even wild squirrels or snakes! Anyways sha, I love the freedom of eating dinner and talking a nice walk. I like living alone. I like having my own. I really like being with me. Long may it continue. I hope I never get greedy in life but I pray my silence or fear of asking for what I want never leads me to having to settle.
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Man, Texas is HOT! Forget the sweating like a crazy person at the gym or randomly outside but it’s HOT. That’s one of the first things I have had to tell people and as someone who is always very hydrated – you end up sweating A LOT. And now I have a singlet tan line from where I wear my workout shirts.
Building new habits take time and kindness. I found myself taking a cup of ice with me out the house every morning to put in my workout bottle at the gym. That way I have freezing cold water to drink through my workout and it helps keep my body cooler. I have never been a morning person but I need to start sleeping earlier and waking up earlier. That way I can be in the gym early and before the sun starts hitting hard. I am also buying 5 towels (I workout 5 times a week) to keep in my car, so I don’t have to be dripping sweat whoever I walk around the gym.
Lastly this week, I want to tell you – you don’t have beg for what is good in your life. You should never beg for love. Communicate your needs and feelings but never have to hold your breath or find yourself waiting by your phone. You deserve love that almost runs towards you at every chance it gets.
Sometimes you may even feel like you are unworthy because you open the door to people who would never appreciate you for what and who you are. There are people out there who see your value and your worthy, please focus on them and not on people who only remember you when it’s convenient for them.
Til we speak again, stay up!
NB: I had some technical difficulties with the upload last week, Undercover Lover 2 this Saturday. My apologies!
Comment, repost and share. Thank you for your continued support. You are highly appreciated.
A fictional three part story by Sanmi Ade @adewus4real
Play Undercover Lover by Tay Iwar while you read this. Trust me. ✨
I could feel the tension in my back as I pulled into the driveway. It was almost as if my body knew that I had been away from the gym for a while. Although I would argue that yoga or pilates is much harder, missing your gym flow changes you. The work retreat I just returned from was both a physical and professional haul. We worked on OKR’s and KPI’s for the year but also got to do some wine tasting, vision boarding and a few morning yoga sessions. All in all – I was glad to be back in my bed. It had been two long weeks away from home. Hotel beds are cool but nothing beats your own bed.
I don’t really remember the drive home. I mostly remember thinking about washing my car that had been sitting at the airport and smiling at the fact that I had the cleaning lady come and clean right before I went on my trip. As I walked towards the elevator in the connected parking garage and towards my apartment – I started thinking about the things missing from my fridge. Forget missing your own bed, after a week of travel the thing you miss the most is a home cooked meal. My fridge was bare even if my freezer was pretty stuffed. (How do I picked out a bowl of some stew and put some rice in the rice cooker. While it cooked, I picked up my mail and started going through it. Fried up some plantain before pouring myself a glass of wine.
I left and went to take a shower. Before I returned, night had fallen and the views were immaculate. They reminded me why I fell in love with Cape Town and how quickly my sadness faded once I moved here. I’ve lived here now for 8months, I cannot pretend to be a local but I have found my tribe here. It definitely helped that I did a program here right after I graduated from Covenant University. But after living in Birmingham, New York, Chicago and Lagos – I can tell you that Cape Town has it’s own unique charm.
In my robe, I plated my food and sat down to eat. I had been watching S.W.A.T on Netflix during my flight back from JoBurg, so I continued while eating my meal. It felt like it wasn’t just the rice and stew but the fact that it was at home that made me so happy. Midway through I remember curling up into the couch with my blanket and reminding myself not to fall asleep on the couch. As I dozed off. I happened to glance down and see my phone ringing.
“Hey sexy”
the first words to come through the phone. I smiled and replied
“Mummy Eleganza, how are you?”
She chuckled and replied
“ I don’t know why you insist on calling me that. Are you back home? I just wanted to check on you”
I lifted my phone to pan around the room for her to see. She smiled and continued
“Have you eaten?”
I rolled my eyes and said
“Nothing a Nigerian woman loves to do more than ask if you’ve eaten. Yes I have”
This time her smile was bigger and more mischievous as she replied
“I mean, is it my fault that I want to make sure that you are taken care of?”
I smiled without replying. She continued and said
“I mean, I know something else you could be eating sha”
I looked down at the phone and she had the sneakiest smile on her face. Unable to stop smiling, I replied
“Ireoluwa, you are looking for trouble o”
“What did I do????”
She asked, pretending to be confused
“Continue o”
I replied. She continued and said
“Am I still seeing you this weekend?”
I replied
“We have brunch tomorrow right?”
She nodded and I watched her finishing up her makeup.
“Where are you even going?”
I asked
“Remember Nana’s Art Studio launch is today.”
It had totally skipped my mind. My friend Nana, a Ghanaian and Zambian hyperrealism artist was opening up his second studio and tonight he was having a private showing for his friends. I had told him I was arriving the following day because I knew I would be too tired to go. I think I deserve a pass, I went to the first one all the way in LA. So tonight I was staying in.
“Oh yeah, totally forgot. I’ll go during the general opening next week”
We said goodbyes and she got off the phone and I returned to my unwind. The next thing I remember was waking up on my couch the next morning – refreshed and hungry.
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The entire evening, I couldn’t concentrate. Not because her painting was better than mine from the paint and sip activity we went to. She absolutely loves activity dates and letting her express her creative genius, well that was a win all round. She wore the cutest pink top with pink accessories and blue jeans. It almost felt confusing how I realized I had never noticed how much bunda she was carrying back there.
We headed home because she had an early morning the next day. As we walked in, I remembered we had ordered some banana bread to the house earlier in the day for dessert and I started to make my way into the kitchen to get it when she said
“I’m going to lay in the for a little bit”
I looked at her confused because I knew she could easily fall asleep. But I changed course and followed her into the room – a few minutes later, were both changed into lounge clothes. I laid up next to her as began talking about the night we had just had. The music, the food, the energy and chemistry between us. It so relaxing. We probably laid there for 15minutes just talking about the night and me returning from my trip. She was catching me up on everything from school to fitness and I could listen to her talk all day.
My fingers traced the outside of her right arm as she talked to me and suddenly, we stopped and looked at each other right at the same time. I leaned and asked
“Can I kiss you?”
She smiled and without breaking eye contact, she said nodded in approval. We make music without lips locked like an aux cord in an iPod. We fit. I pulled her in closer and kissed her down her neck and shoulders.
I got up and placed my legs around her. Her back on my chest as I kissed down her neck. I could smell the sweet notes down her neck with certainty that she couldn’t even explain the cocktail of scents my tongue was getting familiar with. She moaned and closed her eyes off while kicking back her head more into my chest. My left hand reached around and lightly choked her while I kissed on her right cheek while my right hand made its way down to her slightly spread legs.
No forecast could have prepared me for how drenched my fingers were as they made contact. She moaned softly and my index fingers parted her lips. The softest “fuck” slipped out of her northern lips as I slowly massaged her clit. Her eyes completely shut but she could see the picture my fingers painted with her wet. There was something deeply satisfying about her bending to my will. I could feel the stress and tension melt away in my body as she rocked her pelvis to the tune of my voice.
In her ears, I was the navigator. Signaling as the pace picked up or steadied. She smelled so incredible and would not stop cursing under her breath. With my hand around her neck, my legs on both her sides and my fingers firmly inside her. She just gave in. And I welcomed her. Slowly I laid her down on her back and moved to meet her down south. I had something very important to say and only her lips could understand. As she laid on her back, I lifted her legs and pinned them back towards her chest. My searching tongue making first contact with her throbbing pink. I kissed it and then lifted up.
Looking dead at her, I asked her
“I need you to promise me one thing…”
“What?”
She said.
“Don’t hold back”
I replied. She sheepishly smiled and I smirked as I tongue kissed her pink. She let out a louder moan. “Oh wow” She said
“Wow” was the word of the night as she repeated it over and over as I feasted on her dripping wet. She grabbed my head and pushed and tugged as she sang my name into the walls. The neighbors already knew my name but they didn’t know all the different octaves it could be sung in. There was something about the passion in my drive – I wanted every last drop of her. I wanted her to bend and break in my hands while I then put her back together nicely.
As I rose and lowered into her. The first entrance felt like the first time you laid in your bed after a long trip away from home. It was warm and welcoming. I leaned next to her head as I thrust in and out, complimenting her beauty and how welcomed my throbbing member felt inside her wet walls. With each thrust, she moaned
“Wow”
I tried hard to concentrate but I could feel her giving up on me. I lifted up and pinned her legs further towards her chest. I called out at her, making her open her eyes
“Ire”
She moaned
“Hmmm?”
“Don’t fucking close your eyes”
I chimed back at her. I continued on to say
“I want you to look at me. Keep your eyes on me. Look at me as I take your shit – look at it”
We both looked down as I entered and exited with familiarity. Her eyes began to roll back as she struggled to keep them open. I looked down at her and smirked. The look on her face was a combination of pleasure and confusion – mostly “how could something feel so good?” she asked in her sexy moans. I didn’t let up. With her legs pinned back, every thrust hit deeply enough in her walls.
I picked up the pace and drove deeper into her. Letting out all the questions I needed answered
“This is what you wanted right? To have me fuck you like I can’t do without you?”
She nodded and moaned along.
“Give it to me then. Give me every last fucking drop. Do not stop until you cum all over me. Do you hear me?”
She nodded in reluctant agreement – she was about to break. I leaned in more and said
“Such a good girl. Look at you taking all of it… good girl. …. …you’re so beautiful baby”
I could feel her tighten up. I asked again
“Who’s my good girl?”
And that was it. The floodgates opened. Her moan, so loud, I was sure my neighbor Cristian heard it. And just like that, I intensified. Thrusting harder and faster to meet her at the peak. We were to arrive together and together we came. A dual explosion coming from two sources. Boom.
As I slumped next to her, she turned over to me and said words that would send chills into anyone.
“This is bad”
She said and my heart stopped.
———————
The church was filled with a soft, reverent hum of hushed whispers as everyone settled in. Sunlight streams through the stained glass windows, casting a kaleidoscope of colors across the altar. I was sitting in the right corner of the altar where I play the bass guitar, my head bowed as if in deep prayer, but my thoughts are far from the holy sanctuary. I couldn’t focus on the sermon, not after the night I had.
Last night was… perfect. It started with a simple dinner with smoky jollof and turkey with plantain plus great wine, nothing extravagant, but every moment felt like it was carved out of a dream. The way her eyes sparkled when she laughed, the subtle touch of her hand on mine across the table — every detail is imprinted in my mind. The sweetness of her kiss lingering like the finest wine. I return to my seat, trying to clear my head, but every time I close my eyes, I see her face, feel her touch, hear her moans. I know you can relate.
I shift in my seat, attempting to focus. The congregation stands to sing a hymn, and I join in, but my voice feels detached, like it belongs to someone else. My mind is still in that moment when we rode back to my place in the Uber. The light caught in her hair, casting a halo around her face and the world seemed to dissolve around us, leaving just the two of us in our own little universe.
The service continues, a series of rituals I follow on autopilot. Stand, sit, bow, pray. My body moves through the motions, but my mind is elsewhere, lost in the memory of last night. The way we talked for hours, sharing stories and dreams, finding connections in the most unexpected places. There was a moment when she leaned in close, her breath warm against my cheek, and whispered something that sent shivers down my spine. I can’t even remember the exact words, just the feeling they left behind.
And then it hit me again, why did she say “it was bad”? I needed answers but I was not sure how to get them.
The final blessing is given, and we rise to leave. I step out into the sunlight, blinking as the brightness hits me. The fresh air is a welcome relief, but my thoughts are still tangled with memories of Ire. I pull out my phone, my fingers hovering over her number. Should I call her? Would she be thinking about last night as much as I am?
As I walk away from the church towards my car, I realize that no matter how hard I try, I can’t shake the feeling that last night was the start of something extraordinary. The future is uncertain, but for the first time in a long time, I feel a sense of hope, of excitement. Maybe, just maybe, this is the beginning of something beautiful but I was still uncertain. As I pressed the remote to unlock my car, I hear a voice.
It was Dior. Her real name is Adaora but everyone calls her Dior. I smiled as she shuffled towards me. As she got closer, I noticed it. She smiled big and said
“Congratulations Dele”
I almost choked. It took me a second to gather myself before replying –
“Ummmm….sorry…what do you mean?”
She smiled again, this time smaller and more controlled as she replied
“I’m pregnant” __________
Quick note from Sanmi: Hey y’all I know it’s been a few years since I gave you all some of my stories to keep you company through the weekends. Well I’m back. I aim to give you exciting and captivating series that will have you glued to the edge of your seats. I am not being held prisoner by perfection or the right timing, it’s ready and you’ll have it. for those of you new here, you are in a for a ride. They call me The Wordsmith, Master of Cliffhangers and so on – so I will not apologize for the emotional rollercoaster you will get from reading my work. As a matter of fact, I live for it. So I hope you enjoyed part 1. Your comments are my fuel, so if you like it or love it, tell me. It keeps me going. Thanks for reading part 1 of Undercover Lover, see you next week or if we get to 20 comments, I’ll drop part 2 early. Till then, stay up!
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End of Part 1. Come back next Saturday for Part 2! Please like this story, leave a comment below, and share with lovers of fiction and storytelling. Follow @adewus4real
Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated.
Why are you so unforgiving Of yourself Affording grace to yourself is like a deep struggle Rowing upstream on a paddle board How do you make it so easy to punish yourself Even as life already takes it up to challenge you Why have you decided to tattoo your pain on your sleeves And answer it like a last name You deserve light The same one brimming out of you Filling up rooms And lives of others The same one you work so hard to cloud With self doubt and that pesky imposter syndrome You deserve to feel alive All the time You deserve to be fine And feel joy And not only after you have experienced pain
If you have been reading my blog over the last few weeks, you would probably be able to tell what mental state I am in right now – slightly unhappy, maybe unsettled. The themes keep coming up in my writings and the poem above came as a result of that as well.
I was telling someone recently that I don’t have expectations of them and I could tell the comment hurt them. Over my years of doing therapy and working through my trauma, it became very clear that my not having expectations was a trauma response to protect myself. People can’t really hurt you if you already expect them to hurt you, right?
I truly feel like there is a balance to be explored. One should always show up as their best selves and ensure that you uphold the standards you set for yourself in the spaces you occupy and the relationships you build. I know that if I heard one my friends tell me they expected nothing from me, I would probably faint. But I truly feel like the best expectation one can have of themselves is to have a mindset that considers the best case scenario in everything. Expect good. Harness joy. Find peace. Hold on to happiness.
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Sitting at the restaurant Itafe asked me “how does it feel to have 23K followers? Do you feel different?” The question felt absurd to me because huh? Why would I feel different – it’s just followers. Some people are truly great and you get to meet them but for the most part, I’m just me with more eyes watching.
The reason I have that many followers is because this video I posted went viral. I have never blocked as many people as I have in the last 6weeks. Watching the comments come in their thousands, they have been overwhelmingly positive but also there have been a few hundred that were just mean and rude. I’ve felt so exposed that I wanted to take down the video or limit the comments but with each passing day, someone sends me a testimony of how my video gave them hope or faith that God will do their own. I actually wanted to do an exercise where I would go and read every single comment and count the positive/negative ones – I gave up once the comments got to 2,000.
Why am I saying this? Your vulnerability is a strength, and you should never be made to feel less than for it. 6.7 times the video has been played and my story shared. And thousands of times, it has touched someone else. Imagine if I never shared it or spoke up –
The other big takeaway from that conversation is that boys need their time. We need time with our friends – spending time with my guy, I felt lighter instantly and I was able to genuinely discuss how I felt about things.
So yes, pick up your phone and set up time with your friends and loved ones. It might just be the pick me up you need.
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I hate the highs and lows of life. But I guess I like them because you feel alive. After spending most of April harnessing and choosing joy, May has been a bit more reserved so far. I’ve struggled with my joy for the past few days. Life feels “more difficult” – this is not a suicidal thought but boy do I wish I could turn it all off. Just disappear. I don’t want to be anyone’s anything. I want silence. I want to feel solely responsible for me. But I guess there is the balance of knowing what God has put in you or his purpose for you, so no I don’t get to not be connected.
I’ve woken up the last couple of days feeling heavy. I don’t know what happened. I think I have had a lingering question about something for the last few weeks and this past weekend/this week, I think the realization finally hit me. I’ve been trying to process my life. Think straight and understand how to separate my feelings from my realities. I don’t know how I stumbled on it but I woke up and stumbled on an instagram live with Pastor Noble G and TitotheWriter. It was great to hear his story and how he approaches worship – listen to him and others in my Gospel playlists here. ALL LINKS HERE I just felt so overwhelmed that I started crying in the car on the way to the gym.
I know you people won’t assume I am a cry baby but omo, I be crying sometimes o. Just flushed with emotions and heaviness – I just have to let it all out. I mostly do it while worshipping and turning it into prayer but sigh. If you read last week’s blogpost, maybe it flowed into this week but I think I would rather not have anyone than feel like I have to be responsible for everyone.
Thinking about how my life continues to evolve, I have found that I have strength in my vulnerabilities. I wear them like badges because they are my feelings – my realities, my truths. And how some would like for me to hide how I feel, simply baffles me. The places where I have thrived the most have been where I have been able to be and bring my full self.
When I got to the grocery store after the gym, I had a full breakdown in the parking lot – I am not even sure why. Trauma is the thing that makes you suffer in silence in the name of not transferring hurt to someone else despite them hurting you or not being able to satisfy your own needs.
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I recently got put on to Sugarwish cookies – I got them from work. They are sooo good! (No this is NOT an AD) I hacked it when I started to slightly warm up the cookies and then go in with a scoop of Talenti’s Gelato over it. It’s become one of my go to sweet desserts. But after weeks of not having any, I had it a few days ago and it was so mid. I was so upset that I had hyped it up in my head and when I had it, I fell flat.
I also got to experience something that I had been thinking about for the past three years. I finally got to hold it up close and I couldn’t understand why it didn’t generate the feeling I wanted. The lessons I took away from that are 1. Sometimes the things we truly love and enjoy will sometimes not hit the high notes for us. 2. It’s okay for something to not light fireworks immediately – give it time.
Lastly, people are not confused. They can try harder for you. They can be intentional. They can be flexible. They can invest in you. They are choosing not to do that with you and that’s okay. It’s their choice but do not make that your fault. Today, choose to be responsible for your own joy. Go forth.
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I was not sure how I wanted to start this particular blogpost – I usually like to have a theme for you all to take away but today, I think I just want to share. I may or may not cry while I write this but who cares right? I think I’ll title this post – “Questions”. Yeah, pretty sure I have never titled anything that before. – welp, just wiped the first tears out of my eyes. Am I asking for too much?
Let me set the scene for you. I am in my bed. My left leg is dangling over the edge of the bed while my right leg is half tucked under the sheets (extra sheets, Doc. We didn’t put that and the vacuum on the list and I never made it to HomeGoods today). My 24hr ever changing RGB light is blinking in the corner to my right. My ceiling fan is on. Do I need that and the air in the apartment right now? (My last electric bill was like $300 but they said there was a $200 deposit and $20 activation fee). So I guess that means I can anticipate like $80/month? Hmmm.
Back to the scene. When I walked in, I didn’t take off my backpack. My tummy had been hurting all day – I am realizing that I have a longer term reaction to gassy dishes (I had beans for dinner the night before). So I walked straight to the kitchen and mixed a cocktail of Fiber supplements and poured myself a glass of wine. Someone I used to be really close to Facetimed me last week and saw my bar (they told me I should be drowning in the Lord). It felt a way hearing it but I guess we can all speak our minds right? I walked to my room and set the glass and bottle of supplements down. Took off my backpack. Set it down – removed my laptop placed it on the bed and headed to the bathroom. Before I took my clothes off, I washed my hands and slid off my rings – they get tighter sometimes after a full day and surprisingly just water gets them off. I brushed my teeth and then changed into my night clothes. I would love to tell you I took a shower before getting into bed but nope, I did not. Shoot! I need a bed vacuum.
So here we are – and here comes the question that brought the tears – am I asking for too much? Reciprocity and consideration are some of the beautiful gifts you can give someone. When I talk to my friends about some of the things I hope for in love and in friendship and community – they say they believe I am not asking for too much. So why do I feel guilty wanting to hold the line on certain things? Why do I feel pressured to say yes to things or people that don’t do the same for me? I know there are elements of my trauma that make me hyper sensitive to making sure I cater to some of the people I love in the ways they want but the emptiness I feel with that not being reciprocated, weakens me.
I used to tell people that I could imagine my wedding day – my dance with my mother, food flowing, great music (which I will help curate) and just amazing vibes. But for years, I could not picture what my wife would look like. Yes, I would see the other elements of the day but never a wife in the “vision” of the day. A few years ago, that part became clearer. I could see it more. You know something I struggle to see though – you know that part where the man gets up towards the end of the wedding and does the vote of thanks? Yeah, I don’t see that.
It bothers me. I am not overwhelmed right this minute but I feel like my life has been decision after decision of loving on people. Holding people up but my heart doesn’t always feel cared. Now before you, yes you, try to make this about you or how you are a great friend – don’t. If you are good and doing all you need to do, just enjoy this read and move along. and it’s the hope! It’s the hope that kills you. That one day they will get it like you do or that you will feel the love you know deep down you deserve.
Love is not always in grand gestures or orgasms. It’s not in the sweet nothings or public displays. It’s in the mundane like knowing exactly how I like my spaghetti or that Manchester United messes with my mood, so if we lose, send noods. It’s in making me feel like if I fall you got me. Like who makes sure I don’t forget my AirPods before a flight? Who makes sure that I have the aisle seat so I can stretch my legs out into the aisle? Who writes me hand written letters just because? It’s in the “I gotchu” without ever saying it.
I want that. Badly. So again I ask, am I asking too much?
Changed the title to “Too Much?”
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Sigh. I need to get closer to God. You’re probably thinking to yourself from what we see of my life on social media, “you seem to have a pretty good relationship with God, you are passionate about serving God and things like that.” But I don’t know, I guess that’s part of the relationship with God, right? It’s always having a thirst for wanting to have more of Him and be more with Him, like Him and all that stuff. So yeah, I wish, okay not wish, but I want to be closer to God. Yeah, random but not random thought.
At what point do I give my followers of my content a name? Not like Instagram followers, or you know how people name themselves, mostly like BBNaija people always have a name for their people like Titans or whatever, but I don’t know. Some of you’ve been rocking with me since 2013, that’s 11 years, I feel like should we have a name?!
Anyways, welcome to this week’s edition of Words of Wednesday there is a lot to share with you all and I’m glad that I get to share with you all. I have two main guy friend groups. In one of the groups there is 9 of us. We actually call ourselves the Nifty Nine, and in the height of the pandemic we used to have monthly check-in calls but as the world went back to normal or close to normal that tailed off a bit. A couple weeks ago, I hosted another session for us to spend time to catch up, talk and things like that. 7 out of the 9 of us were present and you know, we had to discuss a bunch of different things. I think something that stood out to me was when one of my friends in the group, rightfully so, shared some feedback about relationships as he’s getting older and doesn’t want to feel like he is always chasing after people and things like that and I thought it was very apt but it got me thinking about intentionality. It got me thinking about adult relationships and how one of the main pillars that helps relationships grow is being intentional. Being intentional to show love, to show care, being intentional to afford grace, being intentional to not hold grudges, to forgive, being intentional to have the best intentions, to believe that people have the best intentions. So I ask you today, how are you intentionally showing the people you love around you, that you love them?
Now the reason why I asked that question is it’s very easy to just be your natural self, and by virtue of that, people feel your love or feel the love that is in your heart. But I’ve noticed that as you get older, busier, more distracted, if you’re not intentional with taking those steps to make those people feel seen or loved by you, they just simply won’t, or sometimes you will miss the mark. So intentionality in how you love yourself is important but being intentional in how you love the people that you love is also significantly important.
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For many of you currently reading this, you are probably a new follower or just came because you saw my reel. First of fursttttt, welcome! You truly will like it here – the best way I can describe this space is that it is a place for me to share my most authentic thoughts. I realized years ago that I had a gift for writing – thank you God and mummy but yeah – I’ll periodically write down my thoughts and share here. Think of my speaking videos but in long form and more depth.
So I went viral last week – this time last week. One of my reels blew up. At the time of posting this, that reel is at 4.9million views! Like huh? I have gotten almost 15,000 new followers in less than a week. Like huh????? If you had asked me when I was posting the video if I would have been happy with 5K views and 100 comments, I would have been so happy but we plan and God laughs. The content in the reel is nothing new, I didn’t edit differently but God did. The impact it has had on people has been truly phenomenal. And I am grateful.
One thing I want to flag though is how the devil can try to steal your joy. As the reel went viral, I started to feel shy. Like I had overshared. As I said in the caption, the story was something that only a handful of people knew. And now almost 2million people know as well. I considered pulling the reel down but I was led to keep it up. I will leave you with this quote I came up with yesterday.
I guess the Sunshine people have been calling me is finally reaching wider than I can imagine. As part of being here – you are now part of my family. So let’s enjoy the ride together, we will grow even more – so to my Day 1’s and Day-April2024 people, let’s go! Here’s my linktree to all of my accounts and playlists. Enjoy and for the playlists, please spread it and share the love of God and music. Links:https://linktr.ee/adewus4real
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This year, so far, as you’ve wrapped up Q1, it has already been a very expensive year. Did I know that it was going to be expensive? Absolutely! Earlier today, I was being critical of myself because currently my savings are at the lowest they’ve been since maybe two or three years now. Like early pandemic. As many of you who have been following me for a long time know I try to live a very cash-based life and as many of you who know and who have been following me, you know that I just recently moved to a new city, and it’s been expensive. Moving is expensive, moving across country is expensive, getting your own place is expensive. I had a roommate since I moved out of my parents house in 2009, and I finally just moved into my very first solo place in 2024, before some of you start squeezing your face the Bay Area is extremely expensive, California is extremely expensive. It’s very possible for you to be able to afford your own place, but also it can be very draining on your pocket if you have intentions of saving or things like that. I’m happy to be in this new place, my new place is absolutely gorgeous. For those of you that I know and those of you that I love hopefully, you get a chance to visit soon and experience the warmth and homeliness that I have worked very hard to create so far.
Yeah, moving is expensive, and especially if you’re trying to live a very cash-based life. I try to shy away from my credit cards, I have now gotten to a place where I have them again, like I have a few, I have some that are rewards cards, some that are travel cards. Its been expensive. Back to being kind to myself, as I was thinking about what’s in my account. I started to think about the big expenses that I have paid this year – you know, my couch, my TVs (I have one in my room and one in my living room), my car had an issue that I had to pay for earlier. About a month ago, I totaled all those things and I thought to myself, “Wow, I already spent that much this year.” and I’m still in a good place, not the best place that I want to be, but I’m still in a good place, and that was comforting on one hand.
The lesson that I want to flag here is in two parts. One is track everything, I tracked how much all my expenses were in my old place, and I’m also tracking what my expenses are in my new place and I am keeping a close eye on what I’m spending and the journey there. It’s important, I guess if you add a third element, so the first one is write everything down and track it. The second is make sure that the data you’re writing tells a story. If, for example, in Q1 you spent $20,000, tell the story of what that $20,000 is. You’re not a wasteful person who just splurges or buys designer clothes, and things like that. Maybe it was paying off the balance on your father’s car, or maybe it was moving to a new city, maybe it was paying a medical bill, maybe it was supporting a friend. Document that so you can track those things going forward. And then the third thing I will say is put yourself on a budget. I’ve put myself on a budget for the last two weeks. When I first started taking care of my financial journey back in 2018, I put myself on a $50 a week budget. That $50 budget was for everything outside of groceries and gas. So, if it was a birthday dinner, if it was going to the movies, it had to all be within that $50. Things were a lot cheaper back then, movies, I think they were $5 per person, gas was $2.79 per gallon in California at the time.
So, by the grace of God my income has significantly increased since 2018 and I put myself on a $100 budget. I’m proud to report that, two weeks in, by the time you will be reading this, which is Wednesday or beyond, I have kept to that budget for the last couple of weeks. And I’ve felt good about it, not only has it helped with in terms of like of spending, but it made me feel good about myself, about my discipline, and my ability to stay on task. So, track everything, make sure your data tells the story, and thirdly, put yourself on a budget – be disciplined.
Moving to a new place comes with new opportunities, comes with new experience, try new things. I want to tell you all a story. I absolutely love spaghetti, it’s one of the meals that I will not cut corners on, I don’t portion control spaghetti. I love spaghetti and I make bomb spaghetti sauce, if you’ve had it before you will know. When I moved, I thought that the company that I buy my spaghetti from would have a location where I would be able to buy here in my new state. Unfortunately, since I’ve gotten here, I’ve checked online and nobody sells it here. I was to the point where I wanted to order it from California and ship it to this new state, or go to Dallas, Texas, which is hours away from me, to see if I could pick it up, buy a box and bring it back, this is because I just knew what I liked and I wanted that. Then, suddenly, I went to Whole Foods and I saw a particular brand of spaghetti and I said, “You know what, let me just try it.” And I tried it, and it turns out that I actually like it better than the one that I initially was looking to ship to myself. And it got me thinking, what are some of those things that you were stuck on that you’re not allowing yourself to experience newness because you’re so used to the things that you’ve had before, right? I think that it’s important to allow yourself to experience things, and allow yourself to feel different elements and feel different things because it will give you that opportunity to enjoy new things or at the very least, it will expose you to what you may not like or want for yourself.
Yeah, I thought that it will be important to share that with you all, as you go in through your week, make sure that you are allowing yourself to experience new things because they will bring opportunities that you probably did not know that you’ll experience or enjoy.
I’ll stop here for this week. I am very tired, but I’m very excited. I’m also intending to challenge myself to give you guys something that I have been holding for a few years, so hopefully check back again this Saturday, and hopefully I have more information for you all. Till then, take care of yourself.
I absolutely, absolutely love you all, I’m filled with such gratitude that you all get to spend this time with me and learn about me and from each other and if there’s one thing you can do for me after you read this. Please leave me a comment, tell me what you’re thinking, tell me what you’re feeling. Let me ask you a question, and maybe you can comment at the bottom of this post, or you can send it to me via Instagram or Twitter since I’m never calling it X.
My question would be, “what is one new thing that you want to try in the next month since April just started? What is something you want to try in the month of April?” Comment it down so you can be held accountable or send it to me so I can hold you accountable and join you in accountability. Until then, stay up, take care of yourself. I absolutely love you all, talk to you soon.
Comment, repost and share. Thank you for your continued support. You are highly appreciated.
I’m writing this inside my car. It is 9:53 PM. I have tried to find an open pharmacy because my throat has been scratchy since Sunday, and today I have a headache and what feels like a slight fever. I could be falling sick, but I’ve also been up since 5 AM, and like I said, it is now basically 10 PM. I have worked out, gone to the office, ran some errands, and now home.
Welcome to Words of Wednesday! It’s been a while since I wrote this. So, for the two people in the world that have been trying to force me to post this, “you’re welcome”. For those of you who have not, you’re also welcome because there are some gems in here.
I’m in a very different place emotionally and physically, and it’s taken a while to get here. Being in this particular spot has probably been five years in the making, but here we are.
It’s been expensive. It’s been expensive on my body, on my wallet. I spent so much money, money that I didn’t even know I had.
If that makes any sense, and random sidebar shout out to companies that match a 401(k), and also shout out to companies that give you annual bonuses because where will we be right now. *cries in Binance*
A lot has happened in the last few months—my birthday, Valentine’s Day, moving day, all the days. But I’m happy to be here, and I think my body is actually starting to kind of break down because it’s been a hell of a road to get here. It’s been very tasking to get here, so where do we start?
Who ever knew that ironing boards were so expensive? Like, I want a big ironing board, but why is it like $100? That doesn’t make any sense!
At the same time, I just spent almost $3000 on my car fixing it, and now it’s still making one sound. Quite frankly, it was making a sound, and I just turned up the music because I was like, “O le pami.” For those of you who don’t understand Yoruba, it translates roughly to “you can’t kill me.” But yeah, a couch is expensive too.
Funny enough, for value, I think the thing that has been the cheapest has been the TV, and that seems odd, but like, yeah, it’s been interesting.
I’ve been thinking lately and I think one of the highest forms of love, they say, is consideration. But I truly believe that one of the highest forms of love is to be seen in your true self, your truest version of yourself, no gimmicks, no façade, just you.
And I’ve come to find discover that it is probably the hardest thing for me to do because vulnerability comes with courage. Vulnerability also comes with fear—fear of getting taken for granted, fear of being seen in your full self and not appreciated, respected or wanted.
A simple example of that was two years ago when I went to see Maverick City and Kirk Franklin, and I intentionally went “alone”.
I went to the event with my friends, but I intentionally sat alone because I knew that I was going to cry. I knew that I wanted to pray, I knew that I wanted to let go of so many things and place them at God’s feet. But that’s not to say that my friends and people that I went with couldn’t be there for me. I just don’t know exactly why, but I didn’t feel ready to be seen like that.
And I think one of the things I’ve spent most of my adulthood looking for is being seen. And I think for me, another layer that I will even add to that is being seen without needing to be asked to be seen.
And I think that’s something that I continue to pray for and hope for. One thing I’m also noticing is that I need to see myself as well. I think I have some honest conversations with myself, but sometimes I let myself off the hook by not telling myself the hard truth that I need to hear sometimes, so I need to do better at that.
Finding a new gym has been fun. I’m feeling buffer, fitter if that makes sense, but I need to lose more weight. Like I feel like my abs be showing in the morning, but I need them to show like at 3 pm after clearing eba. You know? Like I need to get to that point. Truth be told, and I know some people would lie to you guys, but after two years of being on this journey.
Two years will be March 16th since I started trying to change my physical body and change my physical health. I recently considered steroids.
Yeah! I know. Like I said, part of not lying to myself is having these conversations with you guys and sharing these things. But as somebody who has friends who have gotten surgery done or gone through different mediums to achieve the bodies that they want.
Yeah, it definitely has gotten to me over the last few months. You know that stubborn last layer of belly fat that just won’t go away, that back fat that you just like, “yo!”
And the thing for me is, I want to lose a few more pounds, maybe about 10 or so, but I don’t want to get too skinny if that makes sense. And like the only way that I know is to cut hard, like I struggle to do the sort of in between with my fitness.
It’s either we’re on one complete end of the spectrum or we’re on the other side.
I’m telling you that I’ve passed the stage of just like, “oh, I should do it.” I looked up videos, I looked up side effects of steroids, and as someone who previously had a medical thing, I worry about the things that I put in my body. So I quickly moved past it. I mean you all know I’m not gonna do it, I wasn’t going to do it.
I was beyond curious at this point, and you know I think in talking about that I tell you guys all the time and I tell myself that it is important to stay in your lane and run your race. But I can’t lie to you all when I tell you that it has felt a certain type of way watching different people just, you know, go on Ozempic and you know go under the knife and come back out like nothing happened.
Next thing they’re down 30 pounds. And I am telling myself “you got this! You got this!” While I’m doing 2000 skips at the gym. And I know fitness is not just about losing weight or having abs. For me specifically, it’s about discipline. It’s about knowing that I can push my body to the limit. And it’s about being able to stand here and put on different outfits and be proud of what I am wearing. And you know, things like that. It’s definitely been a journey.
It’s going to continue being a journey. This is going to be a lifelong journey. I want to be one of those uncles that’s like 45 and hot. Like I pull up to an event and the young girls are like, “yo, that man is hot,” with my wife, my wedding band on my hand along with my cute kids.
I want to be that guy. And it’s not just in the gym. You need to eat right and all that stuff. So we will ultimately get there, but I just wanted to share that truth with all of you.
For those of you that are in your weight loss or fitness journey or health and well-being journey and you know questioning whether or not you’re doing the right things or questioning maybe you should just save money and go under the knife.
I’m very proud of you. I’m proud of us for continuing to grind. And that’s not to say that anybody that took any alternative that there’s any shade or anything like that.
No shade, it’s just sharing my truth about how we are and how we are feeling.
_____________ It’s been a while since I gave you all music that I have been loving lately – so here you go. My latest obsessions have been Blaq Diamond’s new album – Zulu Romance and Dunsin Oyekan’s Undignified (Excuse Me).
It’s 3:28am. It’s actually incredible to me that the theme for my 2023 came in the second half the year. I want to call it a POWERFUL SHIFTING but I think that is the current phase God has me in. 2023 was simply a year of realignment.
I won’t add too much creative fluff or meat to this review because I frankly think it’s unnecessary and I think it symbolizes how I currently approach the world. Let’s just get to it.
2023 Goals for Big Daddy Adewus + How I Did
Pray More – (I did this)
Touch more lives (I believe I did this)
Be kind to me (Another year where this continues to be hard for me)
Enjoy life (I had some amazing highs and some humbling lows)
Argue less, resist the urge to defend yourself (Kinda sorta did this but more can be done here)
2024 Goals for Big Daddy Adewus
Pray More and Read my Bible more
Do not hide my light
Be kind to me – do it this time Sanmi. Just do it!
Make ground on all your potential
Lose your temper less.
Faith
I heard God more in 2023 – loudly in my places of worship, prayer and in seeking his face. There were multiple times in the year where I just knew God was speaking to me. It may be recency bias but in September, as I was preparing for arguably the biggest week of my life, God spoke to me through a sermon I stumbled on. He called me to prepare for a “shifting” – simply put. A powerful shifting.
The message I got was simple – “I am going to do things and move you in different directions. Just be ready”. The constant voice of God was evident across the year. I got clear direct communication about so many different areas in my life. I mean vivid moments where I said God “please do this by 12pm and at 11:55am things happened”. That type of vivid. I will be honest and say that I don’t think I heard from God or heard clearly up until sometime in August but so much had already happened. I’ll explain more in later sections. But I felt his touch and presence most of the way.
A Pastor came up to me while I was singing at church once and told me that he felt that my anointing had increased. To be honest, it scared me a bit because I swear I don’t want to be a Pastor like my dad. But I was happy to know that God’s hand was upon me. I leaned more into the gifts he gave me and used them in places I never expected.
Imagine me singing a Yoruba Hymn in front of 30,000 people at my company. Referencing that in this section doesn’t speak to creativity alone but more to faith – I never hide that I love God. When I was asked to sing a hymn in front of people, I didn’t flinch once. I knew I was meant to do it. I was called to do it. Something I have always loved about myself is never hiding my faith and flaws. As much as I love God, I revel in knowing that he doesn’t need me to be perfect BUT I know the expectation of more, that he has for me. Which is also why I know that I fell short of his glory sometimes in 2023. So there is room for better in ’24.
This may be tied into creativity but I discovered new gospel artists and I created a couple of gospel playlists that many people around the world use. I paid my tithes pretty consistently last year, increased my offerings and commitments to the church. 2023 was the year I overcame the devourer by sticking to my covenant with God to always pay my tithes. Trust me, it was hard. But I asked for the grace to do it and be consistent but I also did practical things like taking my tithe out of the ATM on Friday before Sunday Service, so I didn’t have to deal with the battle to convince myself on Sunday morning.
This year, I want to intentionally pray more and read my bible more. Every day. I actually want to buy a bible. I also want God to use me more this year. Amplify my impact in the most amazing ways. Last but not least, I want my life to reflect that I serve a living God.
2023 Expected Score: A 2023 Final Score: B- 2024 Expected Score: A
Fitness:
I loved fitness in 2023. I can truly say that a lot of things that I sought after in my fitness journey have now become part of my daily life. I feel a sense of pride in loving and taking care of my body. There is no part of me that doesn’t understand what I need to do to push my body to the places I want it to go.
I improved my stamina and perfected my form over the year. I was also injured fewer times which helped my journey. This is definitely an area of improvement for me. Be kind to your body, your heart will breathe better and your soul will feel lighter. I fell in love with my body more through my discipline in the gym all year.
2023 Expected Score: A++ 2023 Final Score: A 2024 Expected Score: Let’s do it again
Creativity
“Let’s get sexy!” The year started amazingly with me semi-consistently putting out content on Instagram through grwm videos and travel reels. I posted way more on here than in recent years, although I wish I had given you all more series. Maybe that might be something that comes soon – who knows? 2/3/24 👀
Singing in front of my whole company was pretty big for me but singing and then giving a speech was so unexpected and I am happy I pushed myself to do it. I spoke in front of people and also sang in various places. I headlined my first gospel show and even pushed my boundaries by doing things like singing on different keys and leading songs that pushed me out of my comfort zone. It might seem small but hey choir leader, you can leave C-sharp for one Sunday 😉
I could have done more. Posted more content, delivered more posts – I am still hoarding. So intend to do better this year.
2023 Expected Score: B+ 2023 Final Score: B 2024 Expected Score: B+
Finances
Omo 2023 was expensive o! Forget inflation for a second – even though, how can you forget inflation when it wants to choke us all? But seriously, I think we need to indict our parents. How come nobody made it abundantly clear that the back pain in your thirties will only be second to the constant throbbing in your wallet? Eppppppo! I spent a lot on trips, travel and time with my friends but I still hit my savings goals – although they were adjusted due to some heavy family obligations I had. Part of my goal this year will be to save and keep the money saved. I need to be aggressive early on and lock that away, so I can spend the rest of the year in ease.
2023 was when it dawned on me that I have PTSD when it comes to money. After being laid off a couple of times, I am hesitant to spend on anything big for myself. I find a way to talk myself out of every big spend. Even convincing myself to take a mid-year trip to relax was harshly resisted and I had to talk through it in therapy. Yes, times have been incredibly hard but after being out of work before and seeing so many TA teams cut across many companies, I have had to be extra careful.
Given the raise and promotion I got in early 2023, I could have saved better and managed my money better but again, I am grateful that I was able to take care of what needed to be taken care of. Including buying my father a car and changing my zip code. Abeg if you see me around, please squeeze small change into my hand because your boy needs it. Please and thanks!
2024, I will still like to travel but one way I save on that is by
2023 Expected Score: A+ 2023 Final Score: B 2024 Expected Score: B+
Relationships:
I lied. A lot in 2023. To myself and even to people I cared about. Frankly put, I knew better and in some cases intentionally chose not to do right and in some others, I decided not to do the right thing. Something I preached about in 2022 and parts of 2023 was knowing the difference between what you can do and what you should do. In many cases, I can make the case that I was well within whatever rights I had to do or behave how I did but to whom much is given, so much is expected. What about the learnings I got from God or the teachings instilled by my mom? I could have been so much better in my interpersonal relationships but ultimately I chose not to. I was selfish. Dishonest. Angry. And downright unlike myself.
I have always been a “need to know” type person but I learned that cannot work in deep friendships. Transparency and offering information can be magical for relationships. This is something I want to change in 2024. I hate being asked questions. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s because I grew up being told to keep things to myself or not probe on things not offered to you, I have always just kept quiet. I could be so much better with opening up but I don’t truly feel safe with some people to open up. Some think that saying they like or love you is enough for you to open up but I simply cannot allow myself to feel that way and just open my heart to people. It’s hard.
I was evaluating a scenario with someone and I realized I just care so much less about certain things. A part of me operated from a very selfish place in 2023. I am burnt out, I am not as patient, gracious, kind or forgiving like I used to be. I expect more from others more than I am sometimes willing to give. One could even call me “angry” – maybe at the fact that I give so much and continue feeling like I truly get less from a lot of people that claim to care about me. I remember feeling kinda sad at Christmas that we said we would do a gift exchange and only my mother and I came bearing gifts.
I pulled back from a lot of situations and people over the past year as I noticed that reciprocity was something that wasn’t always there. Never one to keep score on deeds but if after a while, all you keep hearing from people is how they wished they could do more but never doing it, you realize you need to conserve your energy. Pulling back from a few spaces made me feel more whole in ’23. I just realized that nobody is really checking for you like that. Yes, they’ll remember you when they need something or a resume looked at but trust that if you are going through it, you could go through it alone.
That being said, I am super grateful for my friends. Wrapped with love, I could feel the warmth of their hearts pouring into me at every chance they got. I hope you all felt my love in return as well.
I was also grateful for spaces that allowed healing in 2023. People I had wronged or spaces that I had messed up where remorse, grace and forgiveness were allowed in. I believe I made space for the same but that definitely is an area I can grow in. As someone who has been given grace and chances to be better, it certainly is something I’d want to work on in 2024.
I want to be more honest this year – with myself and others. I want to do life with my people and truly do it – flaws, joys, and all. A part of me will give less in some places and pour more into others. Live for me and ensure that the people I love feel my love in the ways they want and need to.
2024 will be the year of ease in relationships. I look forward to hosting my loves in my new place. And wrapping them with hugs that shine light from my heart.
2023 Expected Score: B 2023 Final Score: D 2024 Expected Score: B+
2023 had many ups and very little lows but tons of room for improvement. My happiness, peace of mind and health are my main focuses this year. So I look forward to enjoying me more. Here is to a phenomenal year for us all. Hopefully in 2025 we’ll write about joy and love. And our only issues will be jetlag and popping ears and bottles after long flights. Here is to the best time. This is the year we make a difference and in time, you’ll know the difference.
Welcome to Caesar’s Palace. 😉
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It violated. Really did. I sat there first stunned, confused and then angry. Very angry. I ran it up the flagpole with my closet people. It was one of the most disrespectful things I had ever had said to me. It still ranks very high on the list. “How could you?” I kept asking myself. Before I even get into what happened, remember this – you are not above disrespect, ever. Even the ones you expect so much from, can let you down. Healthy adulting is hoping for the best and planning for the worst – even in friendships and though we won’t admit it, in love as well.
—— Ladies: Quick question – how would you feel if the man you were in love with and dating said that he thought you were the type to sleep around for money? And that he had run some of your pictures and behaviors by his friends and they agreed. ——
As the love of my life at the time suggested that I could be gay because of _ (THE REASONS DON’T EVEN MATTER), I was stunned, hurt and disappointed. Not because being gay is bad. But to know you to be the opposite of something and still say it or suggest it felt very strange to me. To find that someone you had intimately shared your body and soul with, could not hold their own real opinion on something was even more upsetting. That was what hurt the most. Imagine how hurt you can be when your youngest sibling fixes their mouth to call you stingy after all you’ve sacrificed because their friend heard you say no to them one time? Yeah, that feeling. The exact one you just had is how I felt.
For those that may make this about being gay – it’s not about that exactly. I invite you to flip it – imagine being openly gay. Living, loving, thriving and then a partner you love says “I think you are putting on this gay thing for show”. Ah. Yeah, there it is.
It’s the same type of feeling you would have if you told your story of how women can sometimes be more emotionally abusive than men. As per your own experiences. But then one of your closest ‘friends’ says that you give off “women hater” vibes from your tweets. Failing to acknowledge your lived experience of being raped at 9 by a woman and being sexually violated by older women till you could find your voice.
Who are you? When someone asks you that, what is the answer you give. Most times, we start with our names but think beyond that for a second. Who are YOU? Are you kind, considerate, giving, thoughtful, patient, intentional…? Is that you?
I believe it’s truly important to know who you are deep down. One of the reasons it’s so important is because people will actively work hard to make you feel less than or like you are something or someone else. Rather than rejoicing in the complexity that makes us all unique, so often this world tries shrink us to make us more manageable. So those attempts will come but who are you? How are you standing?
Know your core early enough, so you are able to feel how I felt but not lose yourself or drift. I remember finding confidence in the most confused looks on my friends faces as I questioned them. You ever be accused of something so far from who you are, that you even start to question who you know yourself to be? In this case, sexuality is one thing but it can be replaced by anything else and it would still hurt. For example, imagine thinking of yourself as very humble but someone you care about tells you they believe you to pretentious or not genuine. And that they could point to this and this evidence of such.
This situation taught me something, you can find almost anything you want to find when you look closely enough. If you want to believe a friend of yours is ungrateful, you will find the moments where their “thank you’s” aren’t loud enough. Or if you want to believe that nothing good happens to you, I am pretty sure you can point to evidence that it doesn’t. That is life. And why you have to choose to see the light you want to see in people. Especially the ones we claim to love.
Have you ever been so wrongly accused by someone you loved that it brought you to tears?
New podcast episode dropping today. Click here to listen to my thought on everything from Will & Jada, to 48 Oyster Bay, Wedding Dress to to church and so much more. Also please leave me a comment on how you feel about this post.
Song of the Week: Wande Coal – Ebelebe ft. Wizkid: It’s been a minute since I drifted towards Afrobeats. My last few months have been spent enjoying sounds from other regions of Africa. Heavy on the music out of South Africa, Kenya and even Ghanaian highlife.
But I really like this song. You can tell that Wande still mostly freestyles his songs into hits but I love the synergy between them. A part of me feels like they shot the video before Wiz’s mom passed, God rest her soul but I enjoyed seeing him smile. They both could do with seasoned writers – ugh, imagine a studio session with Johnny Drille, Kizz Daniel, Wiz, Wande and maybe like a Nonso Amadi or Tay Iwar? Lord, that would be magical!
