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What The Heck Man

I’m supposed to see the world as my oyster

Make decisions with precision

Keep pushing and not dwell on my wrong decisions

I’m supposed to make it happen

I’m supposed to be that guy

That guy that’s there

Here and everywhere

I want to be that guy

But what happens when I doubt that guy?

 

I drive home wondering what I’m supposed to say

At times things get so hard I can’t even pray

All the openings seem shut

And I get this worrying feeling inside my gut

But I’m the man

That man

Yet sometimes everyone seems to forget I’m just a mere man

 

I wanna scream somedays

I wanna cry

I wanna put my head in a good space

I wanna fly

I wanna make all my worries disappear

I wanna dig deep and make all myself doubt die

But here I am

The outlets I’m supposed to turn to are my triggers

But I stand as a man

An embodiment of what is good

Sociable and determined

Surrounded by many

Yet alone

This is me

Man

 

I know I should speak to my friends about God

And I get tongue tied

But when we talk about sports

The ideas and the arguments come off the fly

Don’t even get me started about when we talk about women

That’s a topic I have endless freedom in

But putting my friends and family in check

On my moral and ethical issues

Then my shyness sets in

And I know what I should do

But the things I really want to do are the hardest for me

 

I’m supposed to keep it real

Be honest and straightforward

I try

I really do

But where is the confirmation that it is okay to keep trying as a result of not always succeeding

Mama told me not to cry as kid

Dad told me to defend myself on the playground but never get into trouble

So I do what I have to do

I have done so for years

Bottled up feelings and emotions like fine wine looking to age

Now I’m cold

Like that barreled wine in a basement cellar

Cold

Now my last 2 relationships have ended because I’m too cold

Not sensitive enough

When my training in feelings was not extensive enough

I’m supposed to make you smile

Make you laugh

But I find myself travelling through a mine field of your feelings

Trying to avoid the next attack

The next attack on my wall of man

My sense of invincibility

The one that prevents me from telling you I really love you

Or telling you that I’m terrified it’s time to meet your mother

That same sense of invincibility that makes me just a little anxious

When the doctor says “cough for me please”

But I take it like a man though

In a society with very little positive outlets for feelings

I have to find a way to get these feelings out

If your man goes to church to let them out

Great

If he doesn’t yet

Pray

Because the body is like a train station

Certain emotions come in and miss their ride

Some come in and never get off

 

I know I should have asked you out

I have been watching you for a minute

Not stalking

Just observing

Yet I’m too busy wasting my time

Time on girls more concerned about their likes on Instagram than their education

Girls more skilled in shopping than cooking

But real women like you

I seem to just waste time with

And when I’m ready

It’ll be too late

So much for being a man right

I broke up with you without good reason

Told you I just wanted to grow

Right before love season

I expected you to understand that I wasn’t man enough for you

And you deserve better

But the truth was the fear of being serious with you had me panic

I worried more about how you feel about my wallet

Than how you’d feel about me

My bank account wasn’t ready

So my heart has to comply

Decisions of a man

 

My friends say she’s a “good” girl and I should marry her

After cleaning out the food she made at my house

I elect to not consult God

My crew said she’s dope

So it’s a wrap

Now I’m sitting in my bathroom

The only room in this house where I have peace

Wondering why the woman I married

Fried my plantain with engine oil

Oh man!

 

 

This is not a forum to make excuses for men

We have our flaws

I elect to watch sports on Sunday instead of making it early to church

I choose to buy size12 shoes with a slight heel for extra support to hide my “real” height

I shave my head every 2 weeks to hide my bald spot

And oh, I drank that milkshake at 2am in the morning

And I haven’t been to the gym in 2weeks

I’m a man though

Let me live

 

This is to let the men out there know

It’s okay

To be you

Be true to you

Make the mistakes you will

And learn from them

Live right and be fair

Sometimes this “job” might get overwhelming

Take a walk

Let out a scream

Cry

Lay to God your plight

It’s not easy

We know

But you can do and we also know

Embrace your insecurities

And feed on your fears as they drive you

So what if you can’t drive after midnight

Or you know you’ll pass out in the delivery room

Or your friends don’t really know you can’t change a tire

It’s okay

It’s okay to be that man

To be true to who you are

You should be comfortable with him but motivated to better him

I do suggest you learn how to change a tire though

Triple A takes 45mins to 1hr on weekends

Today I speak to you man

Don’t stand up and show support

Instead go home reflect

Reflect on you

And how you can be better

Remember to be true to yourself

And ladies

It will be nice if we could have some pie after all that reflecting

Don’t worry we’ll go the gym tomorrow

Or maybe the day after

Or the one after

Don’t worry, we’ll get there someday to work it off

But for now

Let me just be me

The man with a goal and stuffed gut of pie

Just make sure it’s not on a Saturday night

Because if I miss church tomorrow

 You know who I’m blaming for it.

 

 

                                                                                                                                                                               Adewus4real

One thought on “What The Heck Man

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