It’s 5:22am.
I woke up hearing a construction drill that sounded like a generator at my cousin’s Idejo St. house in Lagos’ Victoria Island. That generator would always kick in immediately NEPA ceased the electricity flow.
It was consistent.
Here I am older, frothing my pre-workout, consistently pushing my boundaries and my body – super disciplined on most things.
Who knew?
Today I’m about to groom myself (cut my hair and shave), get my nails done and a massage, get my offering and tithe out of the bank for Sunday, pick out my Sunday clothes and then just sleep.
For many of you, you would have noticed my end of the year reviews that I write.
I will be writing another this year but I also wanted to write a mid year review or update on “life in flow”. There are the main themes that I typically write about but I also wanted to write about just general things I have noticed about myself this year.
I find myself wanting to be kinder – not knowing why people are the way they are and what they are going through.
I remember one day I was driving after getting laid off from a job and I was bawling my eyes out in traffic, someone honked at me for not driving fast enough. I could only laugh because I was like, you clearly don’t know.
And that is much of life, people just don’t know.
So try to be kind in everything.
I have self medicated a lot this year. For pain management and for relaxation.
I don’t want tone reliant on anything external that much. It might have been because of someone new I met this year that does it more frequently than I do but I need to cut back.
Funny though, whenever I get 🍃 I always listen to worship. Does that happen to you?
Like I get deeper into the realm of worship and communion with God.
It feels contradictory huh but it really be happening like that.
I am still super critical of myself (thanks Nigerian household) – I forgot a lyric while singing on Sunday. Everyone behind me looked confused because it never happens with me but it was a reminder to me that greatness requires continued improvement.
Only maybe 20mins after writing this, I was watching the same minister that has captivated me for the last week and I saw him glaringly forget a line during a ministration. I knew, he knew and he smiled but continued.
In a very simple way, it was a nice reminder that greatness doesn’t always have to equal perfection. God has been working on me.
He’s been saying get ready to stand in front of everyone.
All my life because of bullying and self esteem, wanting to be hidden, I have hated the spotlight. I have always thought that my life was meant to be impactful but unseen but God is saying he wants more. To do more with me and make me more.
No one cares who built the toilet but every house has at least one.
Every house needs one.
That is the type of impact I want to leave on the world.
Invaluable but impossible to avoid or ignore.
—————
Faith:
I am not entirely sure how I have been doing faith wise this year.
I have been more diligent about certain areas of my faith – I consecrate myself more and make space for alone time with God but I still don’t feel all the way there.
I have paid my tithes diligently this year, I have worshipped like I never have before and I continue to feel God speaking to and through me.
So why still the disconnect?
Not sure.
I just came back from my mid year recharge.
It started taxing on the body but was great for my soul as always. Every summer for the last few years, I take a vacation that allows me reconnect with myself.
Breathe.
Find my center again and then power into the second half of the year.
On this vacation, I think I may have discovered 5-6 songs that I love and have ministered great things to me.
It has been so humbling to say the least.
The way each one has a message for me and has me wrapped, it’s incredible how God works.
One area within faith that I have been struggling with is discernment of what is happening and I am still working on my temper as well.
Over the last week, I could feel that God was doing something within me.
I knew it was there – I didn’t know what for but I knew it was happening.
I was starting to revel in the feeling and being grateful that something was happening within me.
Next thing, I am deep in a argument with one of my closest people. I’m talking – height of anger – cussing each other out level.
And it is funny because in the midst of it happening, I could feel the Holy Spirit point out to me like “you just let him in” and I was so disappointed in myself.
So yeah, more work to be done for sure.
2023 Midyear Score: Meh.
———————
Fitness:
Guys!
I’ve seen abs this year o! Can you believe it?
This section has not been about the body entirely but how it marries to the mind?
I have been going to the gym consistently – even on vacation. Can you believe that working out on vacation led me to meet Gary V in the most random European country?
It’s amazing how life works.
But truthfully, this year has so far shown me that the battle I am fighting is more internal than external. Despite seeing very visible gains. I still struggle reconcile what people see with how I feel internally?
Last December, I started focusing more on maintaining consistency in all areas of my life – especially fitness. I now pick hotels for my trips based on how nice the beds are and whether they have gyms. I must admit as much as I have been doing well on the fitness side, I am not so sure Ihave been the best in the kitchen. I can certainly do better there. So I need to bring back my shirataki noodles and no rice life.
At least for a couple more months – the last of this belly fat must go!
2023 Midyear Score: Trending positive
—————
Creativity:
I’ve been writing more consistently this year. This has actually been one of my most consistent years with regards to posting and sharing things with you all on here.
I have also been a bit more active and intentional with posting on my social media platforms. There are realms within this area that I can improve on – like for example, we haven’t seen one episode of TheRantsShow this year – how?
I got word today. “You have gotten to a place when you don’t have to say too much for your readers to know what you are saying. Even your cliffhangers are no longer cliffhangers like that…”
Someone said that to me about and my writing – while they meant it as a compliment. One of the things I love about my stories is the level of unpredictability I have. So expect more.
The master of cliffhangers is back. Watch out.
2023 Midyear Score: Trending positive
—————
Finances:
I didn’t always stick to my budget in 2022.
I spent a lot on trips, travel and time with my friends but I still hit my savings goals.
Part of my goal this year will be to save and keep the money saved. I may need to move things to a separate SEPARATE account. But our goals must be achieved this year.
I mentioned last year that I have big goals and I still do – am I closer to those goals? Yes.
Can I be more intentional about aligning myself for those goals?
The answer also is yes.
I also got one credit card this year in part of building my credit.
Many of you know I have been living a largely cash based life since 2018 but because of how this country is set up, you need credit at some point. Hence the card.
I still want that AMEX tho – so if you know a way or have a friend or family that works there that can hook me up – help meeeee! N**gaaaaaaa
This second half of this year, I am also working to make sure my money can work and go longer for me.
So looking into investment opportunities and a side project I have going on.
More to come there but stay tuned.
My advise of money and anything really is start small and work your way up. Little drops will flood your ocean. 2023 Midyear Score: STATIC
————
Relationships:
Last week talking to my mother, she asked me about marriage. Context about how she has been asking me about it
I have seen way too many loud engagements, heart string tugging pictures, quite archives on IG, even more silent divorces. I may have written this a while ago but I actually don’t think I have ever imagined my wedding day, outside of the fact that I know it will be a “big” party with my closest friends and plantain will NOT run out.
It is a requirement more than the bride sef. 🤣
Plantain and food must not run out at my wedding, it just can’t and those of you that food runs out at your wedding, trust me I be side-eyeing you.
This year has shown me that having someone there is not the same as them being present.
I am a bit more selfish this year with my heart.
I truly believe I am in my 20% era.
I have love to give but not anyhow. Let the other people that love me, bring the 80%.
Therapy has been a tremendous help in helping me realize that I am worthy.
This week, my therapist asked me how I feel fulfilled in none work situations. I said I feel that way by “loving on my people and making sure they are okay”
She chuckled and said “yeah, you only feel that way because you don’t think you deserve love. So you try to make sure others feel loved and hope in return you feel it too but that’s not how the world works”
She ate.
I bawled my eyes out shortly after.
The kid in me just wants to be happy.
I want to feel seen in my relationships and friendships. I know who I am.
When I am fully invested, I can be a full package.
You’ll know you have someone.
I love with all of me. My body, soul, finances, time, thoughts – all of it.
So I think I deserve the same and not to feel like I am asking for too much.
Everyone wants someone that is intentional about them. Someone that wants them to feel all their love.
Not just in voice notes or in imagination.
I truly hate “I was going to…” type of love.
DO IT.
And this doesn’t even necessarily apply to romantic relationships alone but in all relationships.
It also doesn’t mean that friends and partners have to love you exactly the way you love them but you should never look around and see nothing there.
The sad truth is that most of the time, when people don’t try with you. They do with others.
And that is more heartbreaking than anything.
Love is pure. Love is not hard but it’s hardwork, intentional work.
People think love should automatically be rosy. Think of anything you really love, you work hard to appreciate it and cherish it more than anything.
Love + intention all through 2023 and beyond. I still never got my Ewa agoyin. Hmmm.
I don’t want my kids to just think I love them because I am their dad, I want them to know I love them because I say it AND I show up in ways that affirm the love.
Are you showing up intentionally in your relationships/friendships today?
If you truly love someone, make it known.
Work at it.
Fight for it.
Be in it.
Which King let’s someone else come in and take their crown?
Exactly.
————
This year has been raw.
I have cried almost every week – in worship, in therapy, in joy and sadness.
But I am actively working.
Pushing to be better and I hope you’re doing the same.
I am THAT guy.
I am great.
I deserve love. I deserve joy.
I deserve good things. People that love me intentionally.
I will chose kindness over pettiness.
I will stand in places of honor.
I will love on those that love me in every way I can.
Eniiwaju, you are loved. I’ve been working on this blogpost for over a month but take moment to quickly review your 20223 so far. How are you doing? In areas that require work, improvement, steadiness (because sometimes nothing needs to change). How are you really doing?
How is your mental health? Physical health? Spiritual.
Does your emotional tank need topping?
Here’s a remind to review you and push for “better” – whatever that means for you. I’ll be here cheering you on as always.
Till we read again, stay up.
Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.
WordsOfWednesday
© 2023 #WhatTheHeckMan
