#WordsOfWednesday

Convenient Christian – 2014
https://wp.me/p3GjtC-l5

Convenient Christian 2 – 2015
https://wp.me/p3GjtC-nE

Convenient Christian 3

I know your word
I remember the stories
The ones I was taught as a toddler
I google verses before I tweet
My love for you is weak
Even though you love me with all my sin
I know your names
Many as they are
But sometimes I am not sure you remember who I am
It’s in the beauty of the love
That you love me regardless of what I have to give
You give me everything and I am nothing without you
So why do I treat you like an option
When you treat me like a priority

I nibble at your love
Like a child picking through their dinner plate
The vegetables are like the meat of your truth
I seem to ignore the commandments that make me feel uncomfortable
The ones that challenge me
But righteous I am on the Twitter pages
Yet finding the book is harder than finding the book of Ruth
Tithing is a pain
Vacationing is a must have
Sex is conditional
My member will rise
But my face will frown at the next church-wide fast
I know how to call on you when I truly need you
Right before that job interview
Or big board meeting

I love to love you in my bio
I display captions as testimonies of your blessings
But do I really worship you for what you give
That which doesn’t seem IG worthy
I’ll make it to the club before 11pm because it’s free
But late into your house because no one can talk to me
The things of the world that don’t love me
Get more love from me
Happiness is fleeting
Because it is not rooted in you
So I show the highlights to the world
But I crave your filling in private
I had your number
Even the password
But I tried to get in half-heartedly so many times
I’ve locked myself out
Open up, please
I may never admit it to the world
But I am in need
Of you

It is not all doom and gloom
Because believe it
Your blessings that I never truly deserve
Still make me a testimony
And that’s why I love you so much
Because you love me
Even when I am faithless and unfaithful
You stand for me
Protect me
You fight for me
Like I am your last asset
You found me
I’m so glad that you found me
Please pull me in closer
Help me focus truly on you
Fill me up
Because no matter how I try to pretend
Bo noo ni.

2016 and 2017, I did not write an edition of Convenient Christian. I started writing it as a reflection on my life, my walk and my journey.
A reminder that my flaws were glaring and my shortcomings were high.
I needed to plainly show how much I was cutting corners.

You probably read it and found yourself in there too.
Some of it stuck, some obviously not but you were in there with me. A convenient Christian.
Paul said “…that which I should do, are the hardest for me to do”
I yearn to be much better than I currently am and I find myself slipping, falling and sometimes just being too damn, yeah you guessed right – convenient.

Over the last few weeks, I have felt a heaviness in my soul.
Not just in my heart, my soul. It was so bad that it crippled my body. I would wake up heavy but empty.
Alive but feeling dead.
Broken and bleeding.

I tried everything. Writing, going out, drinking and other things that typically brought temporary happiness.
Nothing worked.
Until I turned to the surest location.
God.

I cried and felt the weight lifted.
I realized that for a few years, I had been searching for happiness in the wrong things.
My blog, my show, my friendships, follower counts, how many people like me, how much money I was making, how impactful I became.
You see, all of was fleeting. Don’t get me wrong, I would still love to prosper in all those things but after a while, they just never filled me up.

I was going into relationships/friendships/dating with the intention of becoming whole.
Trying to see what they would pour into me, but two people with half-full cups cannot conduct holy communion.
It was never going to work.
It then became a chess match, who was willing to give up their position.
Instead of tapping into an endless well of love and fulfillment.

It was weird yo.
Like I would be so high off something and then this dark cloud would set over me.
Wiping out everything. I have seen depression. We know each other but then I started to think about the last time I was actually truly happy.
Like really really happy. And that made me sad.

Because we don’t see God, it is easy to not take him as serious. Or chop and change what parts of his presence, we want to take seriously.
It is a mistake.
It is insanely important to devote all to him. ALL.
We cut corners, ignore certain parts of the bible or the truth. We fight his word because we know it robs us of the convenience that comes with being average in our walks.
Excuses for everything, I even blamed my church as annoying as they are, as the reason I want going to serve.
Pathetic.

As I write this, this year, it is a damning call to action for me.
I have fucked up.
This year was meant to be my “take back my happiness year”. It has been positive in many notes but flat on others.
This year, this piece is a call to action.
To stand up for what is right. To give up my seat and tough it out.
To be counted.
To step out of the shadows.
To stop being a fucking convenient Christian – sorry Jesus, I’m working on it. I promise.

Will you be stepping out of your convenient position? Any actionable first steps.
Share in the comment section below.

 

I’ll also leave you with this song that has been jolting my heart for a few weeks. The words are everything I love about God.
No one else but…

Bo Noo Ni (feat. Luigi Maclean) by Joe Mettle

Love always,

The Wordsmith.

Thanks for reading as always!

New series out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated. 

#WordsOfWednesday

Guilty as Charged

Introspection, self reflection, growth – those are some of the popular buzz words that we have come to know.
It’s amazing how much interacting with people at varying levels of self work, can aid ones journey.

Most of those words and the actual processes that come with them, are typically explored by people during a few life altering events.
A change in the life trajectory
A “Na me fuck up” moment

None of us are perfect and you should only be down on yourself if you notice that you are not growing or better yet, evolving.

Growing up, I always watched how my parents handled their growth.
They would always spend time looking back at themselves.
I know mine was initially connected to my sense of self worth. I always wanted to make sure I was being a person that I would be proud of but as I continue to advance in life, I know sometimes you will lapse.

Today, we live in a world where we a lot of our lives are lived in the public eye of social spaces.
Things like dismantling patriarchy, feminism, and the #MeToo movement have challenged men and women to reflect on who they really are. And even more so, to be better.

So it is not alien to see the buzz words I led with. People are daily exploring their truth.
One of the things that I love about myself is that I don’t like to lie to myself but one thing I love more than that?
I come to terms with my realities quickly.
I make peace with my decisions and in places where there is room for retribution or amendments, I take them.

I find that people typically don’t want to be honest with themselves and worse, they continue to live in the wrongs they have done.
Maybe my view is somehow connected to faith as I grew up in the church but I forgive myself, seek forgiveness for my behavior and move on.

Some people want you to wallow in your wrongs until they are ready to forgive or forget those wrongs. No.
As long as you are able to hold yourself accountable (I just had to throw it in there 😂)
you do not have to dwell in the valleys of your past.

Then you have the people that have done wrong but will not forgive themselves and continue to parade their sins.
The thing about processes like growth, introspection, reflection and others is that they are solemn and lonely journeys. Their manifestation comes from improved behavior.
Some people admit their fuckups but want to use it as a reference point for the rest of their lives.
Not repeatedly tweeting “I used to be like this…”
Be new and let your behaviors be the announcement of your newness.

I know there is guilt carried for past behaviors and people you may have hurt. I also know that you cannot demand that people forgive or forget your wrongs based on your own timetable.
One thing I believe though is that you should forgive yourself before anyone does.
Forgive yourself and don’t confine yourself to a guilty verdict for life.

Thanks for reading as always!

New series out on Saturday!
Please watch this space!

Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated.