Cowards

“I just want the happiness to last longer than the smile”

When I was 11, I applied to Air Force Military School Ibadan along with my cousin.

We both got invited to the school for a week of “orientation” before they decided if they would admit us.

I thoroughly enjoyed my time there and I was stoked that one of my favorite cousins and I could end up at the same school.

We returned home and I soon found out that I didn’t get admitted.

He did.

I cried.

Oh how I cried!

Not only because I wouldn’t be with my cousin but because I was rejected.

It annoyed me and made me hate a part of me.

I eventually ended up at Mayflower and soon, Redeemer’s High School and I loved it.

I have some of the most amazing friends from where I ended up.

I found myself.

Or at least started to…

There are tears in my eyes

A pain in my heart

A song on my lips

And a melody

A melody that defines my state

I’m sad

Temporarily

But I am glad

I feel empowered

To stand

Protected to proclaim

That I am

More than a conqueror

Bigger than that pain

Every sorrow

Regret

Or heartache

I am not a coward

I have been carrying a pain in my chest. For a little over a year.

As the month of October rolled around, it took me back to a familiar and welcoming dark place

It would ultimately mark the one year anniversary of one of some of my darkest days.

I felt threatened.

To cower and fall back into a trap.

The comfort of the darkness is so inviting.

First the sadness, then loneliness, then a pain you cannot share with another, aches in your joints and in your veins and suddenly; you’re alone and it’s too cold and scary to outside.

Sometimes I wonder why God has allowed me to walk the path I have so far in life.

“Like why not arrest me and just force me to do what you want me to do Lord?”

But I realized a few years back that I am different. I don’t know how different yet but I know I’m meant to be different.

I recently started to act differently again like last year. Pulling away from people, turning down opportunities to go out, pushing the people that love me away.

But then I realized that I was fighting a battle I can’t win alone.

God has put certain people in your life to help you fight that battle and mine was depression.

In the words of one of my all time faves; Mali Music, he says

“Im on a rocket ship,

And the destination of this rocket is to outer space
Guess I have to go there, guess I have to come here, yeah
Im from the Earth but Ive been taken to another place

And there are powers, even there but you cant see them,
And they have lasers and beam guns
And they’re firing on my brain, but I say

Fireeeee…”

I wasn’t trying to be depressed. I know what it feels like, I knew it was coming. My friend said in her piece “the devil has no new tricks” and that like resonated.

All of what I feel now, I have felt before. So I had to fight his tactics.

I had been moving along today. The heaviness had been on my heart. And as God would have it, a friend sent me a piece that another friend had written and it spoke to me.

I was about to allow myself become a coward again. Almost give in.

I turned on my iPod and I played Charles Jenkins’ song

“My God is Awesome”.

Tears.

The convicting kind.

I could feel peace and I wanted more.

I switched the song over to Mali Music and the “Available” came on.

I couldn’t believe how much the words spoke to me.

The words say

So many times in my life

(life)

Have I tried to do it all by myself

(self)

But after numerous failures I realized

(lized)

That the glory is due to God and no one else

(else)

I was runnin to and fro tryna make things happen

(slow down)

That’s what I’d hear Him say but it ain’t until something bad happens

(that turned my life upside down)

Or will I give up Jesus

(Jesus)

It’s all in your hands now Father

(Father)

Do what you will with me, have your way

(have your way)

Lord please keep me in your will

Lord help me to be still

I just wanna be avaylable to you

(yeah)

I will do whatever you

You instruct me to do

I just wanna be avaylable to you

(yeah)

I won’t move, I’ll wait

(I’ll sit here and I’ll wait)

Until you show me the way

(lead me in the right direction)

The safest place

(it’s in the will of God)

Patiently I’ll wait

(Jesus)

I realized a while back that the happiness I truly wanted in my heart, I was seeking from a partner.

And that is not where I should have been looking.

A good friend of mine said

“…Thank you for your honesty , it is greatly appreciated .

Please note this message isn’t to knock you and i know it’s heavily emotionally driven . but I feel like it should be said as you can’t be leaving a trail of broken hearts everywhere. I don’t put all the blame on you”

In my attempt to plug a hole, I have tried different “corks” but not found the one that truly fits.

Ultimately, they plug the hole for a while and soon, they flood finds it way back in.

I was recently told “sometimes things that can be so simple and so black and white we muddle and over religiousize it.”

Because I said I wouldn’t move until God says so.

I won’t make a decision that he hasn’t approved and depression, guilt or sadness was not my portion.

Those words sparked a demand from God.

I have submitted to you and here I stand.

Validate me.

People will question you or your wants, needs, story, faith, beliefs.

Stand.

My journey may take longer than the next guy.

My healing may be slower but I will come back stronger.

Because I am more than a conqueror.

It is easy to be a coward.

To be okay with okay.

To be okay because it “feels right”. To settle with her or him because you think that’s all you deserve.

To have just another day in the life…

There are tough decisions you have to make.

Pray and stick to your gut, you may get it wrong sometimes but let your truth guide you.

Regret is such an ugly feeling and it eats you alone.

Trust me.

I could have allowed fear and depression to overpower me but no.

This and every decision I have made recently is to the glory of God.

As I get older, I find myself making tougher decisions but God is a God of peace.

I wait on him and he will provide peace.

I have been sitting on the side of the road since I got that piece from my friend writing this.

You are more than a conqueror.

Stand tall.

I stand with you.

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