Life on Drugs

I’m writing this inside my car.
It is 9:53 PM. I have tried to find an open pharmacy because my throat has been scratchy since Sunday, and today I have a headache and what feels like a slight fever. I could be falling sick, but I’ve also been up since 5 AM, and like I said, it is now basically 10 PM. I have worked out, gone to the office, ran some errands, and now home.

Welcome to Words of Wednesday! It’s been a while since I wrote this. So, for the two people in the world that have been trying to force me to post this, “you’re welcome”. For those of you who have not, you’re also welcome because there are some gems in here.

I’m in a very different place emotionally and physically, and it’s taken a while to get here. Being in this particular spot has probably been five years in the making, but here we are.

It’s been expensive. It’s been expensive on my body, on my wallet. I spent so much money, money that I didn’t even know I had.

If that makes any sense, and random sidebar shout out to companies that match a 401(k), and also shout out to companies that give you annual bonuses because where will we be right now. *cries in Binance*

A lot has happened in the last few months—my birthday, Valentine’s Day, moving day, all the days. But I’m happy to be here, and I think my body is actually starting to kind of break down because it’s been a hell of a road to get here. It’s been very tasking to get here, so where do we start?

Who ever knew that ironing boards were so expensive? Like, I want a big ironing board, but why is it like $100? That doesn’t make any sense!

At the same time, I just spent almost $3000 on my car fixing it, and now it’s still making one sound. Quite frankly, it was making a sound, and I just turned up the music because I was like, “O le pami.” For those of you who don’t understand Yoruba, it translates roughly to “you can’t kill me.” But yeah, a couch is expensive too.

Funny enough, for value, I think the thing that has been the cheapest has been the TV, and that seems odd, but like, yeah, it’s been interesting.

I’ve been thinking lately and I think one of the highest forms of love, they say, is consideration. But I truly believe that one of the highest forms of love is to be seen in your true self, your truest version of yourself, no gimmicks, no façade, just you.

And I’ve come to find discover that it is probably the hardest thing for me to do because vulnerability comes with courage. Vulnerability also comes with fear—fear of getting taken for granted, fear of being seen in your full self and not appreciated, respected or wanted.

A simple example of that was two years ago when I went to see Maverick City and Kirk Franklin, and I intentionally went “alone”.

I went to the event with my friends, but I intentionally sat alone because I knew that I was going to cry. I knew that I wanted to pray, I knew that I wanted to let go of so many things and place them at God’s feet. But that’s not to say that my friends and people that I went with couldn’t be there for me. I just don’t know exactly why, but I didn’t feel ready to be seen like that.

And I think one of the things I’ve spent most of my adulthood looking for is being seen. And I think for me, another layer that I will even add to that is being seen without needing to be asked to be seen.

And I think that’s something that I continue to pray for and hope for. One thing I’m also noticing is that I need to see myself as well. I think I have some honest conversations with myself, but sometimes I let myself off the hook by not telling myself the hard truth that I need to hear sometimes, so I need to do better at that.

Finding a new gym has been fun. I’m feeling buffer, fitter if that makes sense, but I need to lose more weight. Like I feel like my abs be showing in the morning, but I need them to show like at 3 pm after clearing eba. You know? Like I need to get to that point.
Truth be told, and I know some people would lie to you guys, but after two years of being on this journey.

Two years will be March 16th since I started trying to change my physical body and change my physical health. I recently considered steroids.

Yeah! I know. Like I said, part of not lying to myself is having these conversations with you guys and sharing these things. But as somebody who has friends who have gotten surgery done or gone through different mediums to achieve the bodies that they want. 

Yeah, it definitely has gotten to me over the last few months. You know that stubborn last layer of belly fat that just won’t go away, that back fat that you just like, “yo!”

And the thing for me is, I want to lose a few more pounds, maybe about 10 or so, but I don’t want to get too skinny if that makes sense. And like the only way that I know is to cut hard, like I struggle to do the sort of in between with my fitness.

It’s either we’re on one complete end of the spectrum or we’re on the other side.

I’m telling you that I’ve passed the stage of just like, “oh, I should do it.” I looked up videos, I looked up side effects of steroids, and as someone who previously had a medical thing, I worry about the things that I put in my body. So I quickly moved past it. I mean you all know I’m not gonna do it, I wasn’t going to do it.

I was beyond curious at this point, and you know I think in talking about that I tell you guys all the time and I tell myself that it is important to stay in your lane and run your race. But I can’t lie to you all when I tell you that it has felt a certain type of way watching different people just, you know, go on Ozempic and you know go under the knife and come back out like nothing happened.

Next thing they’re down 30 pounds. And I am telling myself “you got this! You got this!”
While I’m doing 2000 skips at the gym. And I know fitness is not just about losing weight or having abs. For me specifically, it’s about discipline. It’s about knowing that I can push my body to the limit. And it’s about being able to stand here and put on different outfits and be proud of what I am wearing. And you know, things like that. It’s definitely been a journey.

It’s going to continue being a journey. This is going to be a lifelong journey. I want to be one of those uncles that’s like 45 and hot. Like I pull up to an event and the young girls are like, “yo, that man is hot,” with my wife, my wedding band on my hand along with my cute kids.

I want to be that guy. And it’s not just in the gym. You need to eat right and all that stuff. So we will ultimately get there, but I just wanted to share that truth with all of you.

For those of you that are in your weight loss or fitness journey or health and well-being journey and you know questioning whether or not you’re doing the right things or questioning maybe you should just save money and go under the knife.

I’m very proud of you. I’m proud of us for continuing to grind. And that’s not to say that anybody that took any alternative that there’s any shade or anything like that.

Comment, repost and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

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