Where do you get your random silent thoughts?
The ones that come to you at the weirdest times and about the most abstract things?
I love conversations with people in my life that stimulate thoughts in the moment and later.

It’s been an interesting couple of days and weeks y’all.
Since I last wrote to you, I have experienced the coldest of moments – masked next to the one I love but unable to feel their warmth and deep into the heat of one of God’s greatest creations.
It’s been a time.
I randomly tweeted this a little while ago before I even started writing this but I am truly grateful for the life I am living and also being able to document it.

You know what will be a random cool thing.
My children can spend their lives reading my blogposts – not only learning a bit about the type of man their father is/was but also watching me grow and live through my words.
Magical.
What a gift.

Anyway, this week – I have been thinking.
A little while ago someone asked me whatI regretted the most? I truly live like I don’t have regrets.
Some things may hurt in the moment but I am not sure I have felt regret.
Despite feeling like that, there are times where I would get that question and my mind would immediately go to one incident.
I would feel a sickening in my stomach but I always quickly moved on to the fact that I am not that man anymore.
No, I will never angrily ask for money I loaned out again.

But that got me thinking about pasts and the future.
I think we spend a lot of our life thinking about our past and it causes us to mess up our presents in our present.
See what I did there? LOL
Ugh, I love you Sanmi!
But you feel me?
I remember feeling like I was not worthy of love because I had hurt some women in my past.
Or trying to avoid loving again because of my previous mistakes.
There is a lot our past rightfully informs but I think you should obsess on having the best possible future than worrying about your past.
It’s done.
Can’t be changed.
Can’t apologize for itself or make life have turned out any different.
You know what has that power though?
The present one enough to influence the future.

———

Today I got the random urge to listen to one of my favorite songs from almost 12 years ago.
It was so random.
I walked back into my hotel room and played it – it’s playing now in my ears – and it transported me to 2012.
Like that entire summer.
A song that I played almost everyday for three years, I suddenly haven’t heard in almost a decade.
But once I played it, it took me right back to that time.
My physical body felt it.
And it warmed my soul. It gave life.

So here are 5 songs I love and the story behind them

2012
DJ Sbu ft. Zahara – Lengoma
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEV_4xBrMJU&ab_channel=TSrecordsSA

OMG guys!
As I wanted to start writing this segment, I thought to pull up the full meaning of Lengoma for you all.
In searching that, I stumbled on this page that has a more soulful version of the song!
https://africangospellyrics.com/2013/02/04/lengoma-this-song-by-zahara/
WOW.
Who knew I could fall in love with the song that signaled that I would fall in love?

Yes.
The Summer of 2012, I was trying to determine what my love life and life in general would be after graduating that year. I stumbled on this song but it guided my path for the next few years.
It would calm me on some days and others give me joy and largely hope.
This song spoke that I could deserve love and it found me a few weeks into me finding it.
And till today this song remains while love has come and gone.

2012-2013
Future – Turn On The Lights
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIrhcTkHX_A&ab_channel=FutureVEVO

I was slipping away like the sonic sounds in the beginning of this song takes you to another dimension.
Close your eyes for a second and listen.
This song was that.
Long nights staying up late, falling deeply in love
That was me in the fall of 2012. Madly smitten. Gone in love.
Yup, fried.
I loved her so much and this song let me know it.
In such a weird way – looking for her, turning on the lights in my life – let her in and I found her.
And that year it was magical – yes, this was my love song.

2009
Jesse Jagz – Sugar Cane Baby
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pa827A4Iqy0&ab_channel=Fufuboy1

This was the first song I ever dedicated to a woman I loved.
It was also the first time I realized that I could spit poetry over sounds. If you have ever gotten the privilege of listening to a #WhatTheHeckMan AfterDark drop – this song birthed that.
I could tell you about how we blasted this song driving from San Diego to Sacramento or how I had it playing with candles lit in her shared apartment.
The song gave color to words that I felt but never how to deliver.
Have you ever had a song dedicated to you or one you dedicated to someone?
I hope your life is like a song that you have mastered it’s adlibs and beat changes. Make the most delightful soundtracks.

2014
Adrian Marcel – 2AM. ft. Sage The Gemini
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ae_Ev_lwpUg&ab_channel=AdrianMarcelVEVO

I had just moved to the East Bay after graduating and with my heart in shambles, this song kept me going.
One night I was coming from a party but I was meant to be heading to my parents house in Sacramento.
I took the wrong turn and ended up in a one way tunnel.
I sped all the way to the end hoping no car was coming head-on. That was the day I discovered Alameda, where I would ultimately live for the next few years.
That night though, I pulled over and cried for about 30minutes before driving another two hours to my parents house.
Many things happen late but at the right time.
That night, I was just grateful that I could still see the stars.

2020
Moses Bliss – Too Faithful
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYbTTyqCLUk&ab_channel=MosesBliss

The pandemic hit us like a whirlwind. I don’t think many of us had experienced anything quite like it.
I saw 2008/2009 through the eyes of my parents – I was too young and too distracted but seeing the way layoffs swarmed in early 2020 was scary.
I remember I had just stumbled on this song.
I was panicking. I had only started my job the previous August and I wasn’t sure they would keep me.
It was my first real senior position in tech and I loved my team.
I did not want to be one of the ones let go.
I remember playing this song all night for a week straight as I waited for the hammer to drop.
It eventually dropped and put me out of my misery.
I was angry at God – I mean the lyrics said he was too faithful to fail me.
Did he fail me?
Nope.
I was on the shelf for a little over 90days – but I came back better.
Landed a job I loved and was a stepping stone to greatness.
The song made me look back, God’s faithfulness is sure but it doesn’t always look like what you expect it to.

Till we read again, stay up!

Please comment, retweet, and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

WordsOfWednesday

© 2023 #WhatTheHeckMan

There are only very few things more electric that your team scoring a last minute winner against a local rival.
Or you opening up a tub of ice cream in an African home and it actually has ice cream in it. Only thing that tops that one really is being out all day coming home late and someone thought it fit to make you meal and have it waiting.
But first back to the football bit – it’s like seeing Arsenal top of the table for most of the season but knowing they won’t still make it.
Total football – is based on the key principle that no outfield player should have a fixed position. 
Everyone can slot into any spot while the game is on.
It’s one of the best reasons I love sports and teamwork. Someone has eyes behind your head.

There is a dance people sometimes notice when they watch basketball, the open 3 in the corner is by design.
So the shock on the faces of the players is real when the ball swings around and arrives where the player should be and is not there.
The predictability in knowing your person is there builds trust.

Your manager loves when they don’t have to worry about you – Jade’s got it.
Now does that mean they won’t be annoying and make you do other people’s work? Nope. But at least you know they know, that you know what you’re doing.

When you start driving, one of the first things they teach you is that you have to check your blindspots before you switch lanes.
Sometimes there are cars tucked in there, cyclists, pedestrians.
The rise of the “driver-assist” in cars, that beeping sound you hear in some cars as you switch lanes – yeah, that’s to combat the issues around blindspots.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the concept of a blindspot lately.
I’m noticing more and more that as I get older, I need friends and love that feel like a driver assist.
Along with feeling seen, there is a reliability that the blindspot provides that makes you truly grateful having someone in your life.
I am noticing more and more that I want be with someone that covers my blindspots.
The first daughters get it, the sons carrying their whole families get it.
You are always thinking about someone else – working out all the permutations like Dr. Strange.
“If Sola goes to work all day and has been having a busy week, they probably won’t remember to eat – so let me make them a meal” or “with all the travel prep, Jessica won’t find time to pick up her altered dress, let me stop by and grab it”.

I’ve been to so many weddings – I could have stopped that statement there and some of you will have said “Sanmi go and marry” LOL – sharapppppp!
but back to it, I’ve been to enough weddings where the men while giving their speeches, talk about how amazing their wives are.
“You make me better” blah blah blah
Years into the marriage you hear him say “I love the way you take care of everyone, me, the kids, your family”
Many men are thankful for the women in their lives because she becomes the second set of eyes.
She sees his blindspots.
Often times, it’s rooted in misogyny because they simply want a woman to do everything for them and they not have to do anything but I don’t see myself that way.
I look forward to this dream life that people often talk about with how having a wife up levels you as a man. A part of me believes I’ll get that mostly in the intangibles because I love doing the things most men marry women to do for them – cook, clean, organize, plan e.t.c

Everyone wants someone who covers their blindspots. Someone that allows you to not need to be ON, all the time.
Women love it in a man and it probably makes him more attractive to her.
Men love it in a woman most times because it allows them to continue living in Lala land.
Everyone wants it for some reason.
If all your life, you have been responsible for others and yourself, I don’t blame you for wanting to be with someone that allows you to – be.
Are you the second set of eyes for your loved ones, your friends, your family?
Do you have people that help see the things you don’t always see? People that allow you to not always be on guard?

I pray we all find that in our lives and it grounds you.
I pray you find someone that allows you to see more areas of you — with clear vision and no blindspots.

Till we read again, stay up!

Please comment, retweet, and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

WordsOfWednesday

© 2023 #WhatTheHeckMan

I am really talented sha.
For many reasons but right now I am about to tell you from a place of not even desperation but clarity.
In the next few minutes, I am going to tell you about my entire week and my current mood – in the most creative way you’ve seen this week.
But before we get into it,

How are you?
I really mean that question. As you read this post, please consider answering the question in the comments section. As much as I wish they were on this blog, I also welcome your comments through Twitter, Instagram and my phone if you have my number. Shout out you Lade! 👀

The lines
Pre-checked
Wait, what did T.,S and Ay say?
30,000 feet
Like cloud tears from mile highI realize how much of the world stresses me out
Once I step out the pod
It’s gone
I can spend days searching for it
Happiness
Or maybe tears
It feels unfair
Time after time
But eventually it aligns
Leaning on the window side
Outside feels bright
And damn me for dreaming about you
For more than one hundred and twenty hours

——

I’m staring at myself in the mirror – my insides are raging.
I am on the cusp.
The exact line between laugh and cry.
I looked down, took a couple of deep breaths and sat down.
I am not sure how long I had been in there for and frankly, I didn’t care.
I was annoyed.
I looked down and my sweaty hands and took a couple more breaths and then went to work.
You simply cannot just breakdown crying miles in the sky or can you?
I wouldn’t ultimately fix the zipper of my bag in the bathroom of my 10hr flight.
Returning to my seat, I was quickly reminded of one of my frustrations this week.

As I took my seat, I began thinking of how much I dislike ⚪️ women.
Outside of the entitlement they move through the world with – they simply don’t care about anyone else but themselves.
The lady next to me was a complete nuisance and made the beginning of this flight unpleasant. The guy next to me is cool, I like him.
Same shade as her but we bonded quickly on the Premier League – he went to watch a Chelsea vs. Arsenal game.
He’s asleep now.

---

My songs of the week are –
Emmanuel – Gabriel Eziashi x Henrisoul
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTMyrT8_R30

EBENEZERI KENT X APEX CHOIR FEATURING EMMAOMG
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_Neq2nBJ8Q

Taiwoamen – Anulonsoro
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Md-tQsOsEG4

Ladipoe – Guy Man ft. Bella Shmurda
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZTnacyP5Uk

Teni – No Days Off
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0E1vkVDG3g
———————

Sorry I dozed off too.
It’s the greens. IYKYK.
I’ve been taking those greens more recently. I am not sure if it’s a good thing or not.
It’s tied to someone and a crazy December but I am not sure how to process it now.
Anyway, taking these greens make it easier for some people to relax on things like transatlantic weekend flights.
Call it 30+ but na true.
Speaking of 30+, I kinda don’t like those jokes.
I am not sure it’s even because I am 30+ sef.
This week, I have two thumb injuries, ready to pop hamstrings, a pulled pelvic muscle and possibly a broken right big toe.
As someone who has previously suffered from a long term injury.
Every new pain I feel in my body could be related to that trauma or something random. Living in that fear is hard.
Add the reality of the 30+ness and you are in scary territory.
It can genuinely mess with you.
So yeah, hearing those jokes when you are truly worrying whether the pain in your head is just a headache or life shattering aneurysm is no fun.

Music is fun.
That brings me to my iPod.
I haven’t been able to find it since Tuesday.
I have searched every possible place it could be and no luck. Losing this iPod which was a gift from my person, hurts.
I’ll get another one but will it be the same?
I also realized how hard I can be on myself. I have VERY high standards for myself but damn son!
Ahn ahi! Are you the first???

Sometimes letting myself down feels hard because I expect more of myself.
I usually wake up feeling flat. And this week, I woke up to a flat.
My second in a week.
You can imagine not finding my iPod one day and the next day, I am waking up to a flat.
I was livid.
Other things have happened this week but damn – I had been holding it to gather.
So when my zipper on my bag broke, I was livid.
The reason it broke?
A Karen.
I went to the bathroom and I was sure I was going to cry.

You know what that Karen didn’t recognize and would never know, that I feel anxious on some flights sometimes as a Black Man with full beard. Yeah, you can understand why.
But she just knocked my bag over and continued her day while I was sat in the bathroom close to tears.

What type of parent do you think you’ll be? The chill parent or the disciplinarian-ish one?
There is a family flying in the row next to ours – dad, mom, toddler daughter and baby son.
As the flight stabilizes, the mother wants the daughter to use the bathroom before continuing the show she’s watching on her standing iPad.
She shakes her head no.
Her mom signals to her Dad to make her behave – she says no loudly and smacks away daddy’s hand.
Immediately he points the mom on the far side of the row as if to say, your mom will get you.
The mom will eventually win and daddy would take her to the bathroom.
But the whole exchange got me thinking – what type of parent will you be – The chill parent or the disciplinarian-ish one?
Be honest and tell me in the comments.

Lastly, I wanted to ask – why are women not usually named Junior or after their dads?
At the barbershop this morning, it was the topic of discussion, so I figured I would ask you all.
Let me know your thoughts and answers to these other questions.

How are you?
What type of parent do you think you’ll be? The chill parent or the disciplinarian-ish one?

I am heading off on some coast to coast errands, I’ll come to you live from new postage stamps like a passport book. Till we read again. Stay up!

Please comment, retweet, and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

WordsOfWednesday

© 2023 #WhatTheHeckMan

I went into this week thinking about what I wanted to share with you all, I kept wanting to write about so many different themes in my head but the one that kept jumping out to me was gratitude.
As a mini sidebar, I love when I hear an artist or creative talk about the energy or motivation behind their art or a piece of art.
I fell in love with this song recently, so much that the first night I heard it, I let it play on repeat all through the night. The overwhelming feelings in my heart lately has been – gratitude.

Yesterday, I felt really pressured with everything going on in my life.
I could feel myself drifting into a really crappy mood. The best way to describe it is that I had too many tabs open in my head. After therapy, I felt much better on certain things, like I had a better grasp on things and where I wanted to proceed.

It got me thinking though – why do we default to worrying so much?
I am not sure if everyone reading this is a person of faith but as someone who is, I find it fascinating that we serve a God that woks countless wonders – understands the timeline of every leaf on a tree. Knows the depths of the oceans, makes the clouds chorus in his glory – but we still worry.
My therapist helped me refocus on what I could control and indirectly reminded me that I am not that powerful.
I serve a God who is powerful, mighty, a really good God. Some would even call him a Miracle Papa.

With refocusing my lens on what was directly in front of me, I Was able to move into a place of gratitude.
I began to simply thank God for what he has done for me. From thanking God about my family, I moved to friends- some that I met through work, then you start thanking God for work and the things that affords you the ability to do.

Can thoughtfulness be taught?

I saw the tweet below last week and it got me thinking about thoughtfulness and whether or not it can be taught.
Personally, I think there is a lot we can teach others – friends, lovers and all but I truly believe that thoughtfulness is a truly innate gift.
It has to be in or within you.
I find that the beauty of it is the ability to not be able to help yourself. You find yourself thinking of creatives ways to show love and make the lives of those around you.
I love having a thoughtful nature and having friends in your life that can make you feel alive and well is a beautiful thing.
I remember talking to someone who said they wouldn’t think of their man first but their girlfriend first, while beautiful (women’s relationships), I can only imagine a type of love that thinks of you almost before you.
I think we were talking about buying her girlfriend’s favorite chocolate but would not immediately think of buying something they know their man would love.
It makes me think that we can actually channel our love and expression of it but I don’t think you can teach being thoughtful for someone.

I see thoughtfulness like someone selflessly assuming the role of trying to make your life easier.
For me it’s directly connected to acts of service – and being able to anticipate the needs of people you love.
Don’t get me wrong, I think you can teach and cultivate expressions of love and care but thoughtfulness for me exceeds that.
Do you think that thoughtfulness can be taught?



Affirmation of the Day: No one can make me feel inferior.
Question of the Day: Do I feel comfortable expressing myself? How do I feel about getting quiet, listenings deeply and patiently to my inner wisdom?

• Not them going all deep on today’s affirmation. But yes, for the most part, I feel like I can express myself – especially in environments/spaces/relationships where I feel safe, valued and respected.
• I also find that I spend a lot of time sitting quietly with my thoughts and exploring before executing.

Praise Gym
Apple Music: https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/praise-gym/pl.u-4JomX7BtMMmXYg
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0nHrVRq8lhsY9imXjYL6Ns?si=18b0171f0d2046e2

Tẹriba
Apple Music: https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/t%E1%BA%B9riba/pl.u-55D6XW5FYYVXoq
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/51Gcda828lTthxNqcTWyd4?si=4ccabfc5911e4afa

Please comment, retweet, and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

WordsOfWednesday

© 2023 #WhatTheHeckMan

Please read all the way through – there are some gems and gifts at the end.

“God, please hug me”
I kept repeating that over and over as I began to sob while driving.
My heart was feeling lighter but I my eyes were heavy.
I had known I needed to cry for weeks that I needed to cry but I couldn’t find it.
A song came on as I approached the Dallas Fort Worth rental car center to return my car.
It’s called Emergency by Gaise Baba. I had heard the song before but never really digested it.
It’s off the album that has the hit song, Elijah Level.

One of the lines in the song says
“I’ll be foolish to think I can handle it
Blood dey my body oh”
The premise of the song is acknowledging the somewhat powerless nature of human beings and emphasizing that we need God for everything.
There are certain areas of my life where I have sometimes felt in charge – like I did that!
As I get older, I am realizing more and more that I cannot do anything without God.
There are deep battles that I don’t think I can win alone or by watching Youtube videos.
I found it necessary to submit in that moment. About 45mins later I was hugging my friend Temi and chatting like I wasn’t just bawling my eyes out.

Therapy changed my life.
It’s helping me put vocabulary to my feelings but also reminding me to not hide any parts of me.
I really like my therapist and as someone who has worked in therapy environments, it’s amazing to have my person that obsessively works to uphold my wellbeing.
Very rarely do you see your actual growth in real time. It’s kinda jarring to see some things play out right in front of you.

It’s easy to blame others for why certain relationships don’t work out.
But look inward – where did you mess up?
Where did you take your eye off the ball? Where did you get lazy, absent?
One area where I have come to learn to take responsibility is not setting myself up for failure.
The signs are always there. I preach that all the time but sometimes I am the architect of my own pain.
A quick lesson when navigating through life – focus on the facts in front of you. Leaning on potential is one quick way to hurt yourself but I digress.

“Why do we fight tooth and nail to keep in people who are trying to break out of our lives?”
This amongst many questions are what my therapist poses to me every week.
“You have to take someone for who they are.
You have to let people change for themselves.
You can only get into a relationship if you are not truthful to yourself. You cannot expect that because of the things that God has placed in you, you assume that people will see their potential.
You cannot connect your self-worth to your relationships.”
These are some things she has said to me over recent sessions.
I know many of them to be true but have I always lived by them?
I begged for love y’all.
Many of you that have been following my writing for years would know I talked about never begging for love again.
And that was what she was focused on and I want to focus on with you all.
You deserve love.
Good love.
Transparent. Stimulating. Filled with grace, forgiveness and kindness.
Involved and willing to work through things love. Love should not feel like a burden but when two people, friends or lover friends are truly committed to each other, there should be collaborative efforts to build together.

As someone who has previously been broken while trying to fight for love, I ask that you fight for people that want to fight for you. I saw this quote recently that said

I am not saying that love needs to be painful or tear-jerking but if your “love” dies on the back of things insignificant in the big picture, then it was never love. Plain and simple.

I believe that when two people are breaking up, it shouldn’t feel like a surprise to either party. If genuine transparency and communication has been present, then it shouldn’t feel like a surprise.
See y’all, anyone that truly loves you will love you. I was watching a sermon the other day and the pastor joked and said that the next time someone says “I love you” to you – ask them which kind?
Because if it’s the type in the Bible then it requires way more than most are willing to give.
And that right there should be your first sign, not your last.

What do your scars look like?
I made a mistake recently and hurt someone I care about a couple of weeks ago. While I initially felt hurt by their actions, I used a medium well-known to me to vent and hurt someone I loved.
You should be able to audit yourself. You may think you are a good person and people love you for it.
Granted one mistake or two doesn’t make you a bad person but good people can do bad and hurtful things. And it’s “ok”. We have a tremendous capacity to hurt the people we love – it’s actually easier to hurt them because you know so much about them. It sucks but it’s real.
Sometimes many of us cannot reconcile our “good nature” with the hurt we cause and subsequently how people we love view us.
Be kind to people and in turn, yourself.

Stick to your routines and also screw them.
I didn’t realize what going to the gym meant for me. For a lot of people, they probably think it’s just a fitness thing but years ago, morning workouts became my thing but also became my communion time with God.
I would sing, dance and pray across the gym.
Mornings were meant for my physical and spiritual bodies getting the care they need.

Being injured over the last couple of weeks let me know that I live by my routines but I was reluctant to change the system. I felt more depressed from not sticking to my routine than just finding a workaround.
Most of the time God speaks to me is in a place of worship. I think it’s easier to arrest your heart while you’re “komole-ing” (put definition) to songs of his greatness and majesty.
So not having that time in the gym made me feel like I wasn’t able to work God into my schedule and it saddened me.
Quickly I realized that I needed a way to carry God more actively in my day.
How do you manage to keep God active in your day?

I also had to afford myself more grace – my life won’t always go according to my detailed plan and that is okay. I’m on God’s timing and plan.
Allow flexibility in your life to ebb and flow – remember that riding tides sometimes is just about staying afloat.

Words of Affirmation

Lastly, I wanted to share something I have been working on.
I believe I wrote a few weeks ago about doing affirmations as my therapist asked me. I was asked to write one about myself internally and one about my body. The body one HARD O!
But I figured out a way for the internal one – I bought these affirmation cards from Amazon and daily, I read one.
I love these because there is also a question in the back to spark thought, so yes, great addition.
Here is the one for today – I hope it helps someone out there and find the link to the cards below.
Affirm yourself today in your own way.

The last compliment I received: “You definitely have grown as well. Usually, when I talk to you I feel like you see me as that 20-something yr old and I feel so ashamed and then angry because of it. But now, I see the me I have been working on and the you that has matured and shows grace.”

The compliment I want most: “I see you and I know you are trying your best”

Link to cards: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09CMVVJ2H/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&th=1

Over the last few years, people have asked me to share my gospel music playlist and frankly, it has always felt overwhelming to do but I finally did it.
Please see my Yoruba gospel playlist and my gym playlist below. Feel free to share with as many people as possible.
Thank you!
I hope it truly blesses you and yours.

Praise Gym
Apple Music: https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/praise-gym/pl.u-4JomX7BtMMmXYg
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0nHrVRq8lhsY9imXjYL6Ns?si=18b0171f0d2046e2

Tẹriba
Apple Music: https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/t%E1%BA%B9riba/pl.u-55D6XW5FYYVXoq
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/51Gcda828lTthxNqcTWyd4?si=4ccabfc5911e4afa

Please comment, retweet, and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

WordsOfWednesday

© 2023 #WhatTheHeckMan

It’s Wednesday morning – WordsOfWednesday day.
I just rolled over – it’s 6:07am.
I normally would get up and head to the gym but I am exhausted. By the middle of the week, I am pretty spent physically but on Wednesdays, I find a bit more juice to push through the remainder of the week.
Today though, a bit more sleep.
Waking up on Wednesdays, I always feel inspired going into Wednesdays – halfway to the weekend and another blogpost to you all.
I want to start by saying thank you to all of you that read my posts weekly.
You keep me going.
I really appreciate it.

This is a diary entry.
I am sure that emotions I have bottled will probably spill out but we move.
I felt a bit exposed earlier today about putting this post out. I feel like I have been in a very vulnerable place and writing about my emotions quite a bit.
Maybe its just the season I am currently in but I’ll continue sharing the real with y’all.
Some of the best advice I have ever gotten for times like this is to feel it all.
Every bit of it.
The good, the icky, the high, the lows, and even the uncertain.
It’s 8:30am.

This is the latest I have come to the gym in a long time – it’s 10:09am.
I start most workouts with some HIIT core work before heading into the muscle group of the day. Today is day 12 of 20days on the treadmill doing 12.5incline/3speed/30mins.
Well today has been a bit different.
I spent the better part of the first 15mins just sobbing. I love worshipping at the gym but ooo, big man like me bawling during leg day?
I am not even sure the people watching knew I was deep in worship, they were probably just thinking that the squats got the best of me.
God abeg.

I hate rain.
Like a lot.
Not more than fruit flies but still a lot.
It’s been raining a lot in the Bay Area over the past few weeks. It has certainly coincided with my “dip” in happiness. I never understand people that love rain – like when the sun is clearly an option.
Na wa o.
Since before the turn of the new year, most of my WoW’s (WordsOfWednesday) had been written before going into the week – this week, I am just writing it today.
I have been feeling very depressed for a while and today, I legit just felt it all.

Last week, I wrote about some personal things I have been dealing with lately.
I am proud to report that people that I expected to care – don’t or didn’t even bother to check in.
It’s amazing how life can be happening to you and no one sees you.
My therapist and I have been working on various things over the last few weeks and every time something new happens, I remember her words.
For example, “your journey is not about fixing because you are not broken” or “find your happiness within because it will never come from someone else”

There are days that I miss.
The days of being carefree and without bother.
Something dawned on me recently, there is love I wish I had experienced or felt that I missed out.
There is also love that I got and wasn’t able to appreciate.
Chronological age doesn’t mean you experienced all the phases as a young child into adulthood.
The fearlessness, the innocence of youth was robbed from some of us.
I find myself visiting with the young me to know the older me.

Have you ever stared at yourself so long you almost recognized your happiness?
I really wish there were things simpler again.
I miss my memories being filled with joy and excitement.
Today, I remembered being tossed into the dryer and then drum (water storage) by my cousin and some of their friends.
They laughed about it at the time and I was terrified.
I don’t even think they realized the mark it made on me. I don’t think I did either.
But lately, I Have been trying to understand why I tend to get very jumpy – like people coming up behind me or partners feeling the need to touch me.
I cannot say for sure that it is connected to that incident but I know it coming up for 30+ me probably means it was never fully addressed.

Be good for the sake of being good.
This past Sunday, I sang and church and universally – people said I sang very well.
And it got thinking – there have been many times where I have sang in front of people and small part of me looks for the validation from them.
But why?
It got me thinking about how we need to be good – primarily for ourselves.
Not for validation or acknowledgment. For you.
Because the best you is the version that best serves the world around you.

I normally try to leave you all with some energy and words of encouragement in these posts every week.
But ooo mehn – hmmmm.
Do you feel seen?
In your life, friendships, relationships..
Does the person that you crave, see you. Your light, your pain, your fears, your brains?
Imagine tweeting about depression or anxiety but the only time your tweets are referenced is if you tweet about relationships or a woman.
It’s painful to expect the “worst” from someone you love.
Simply believing that not matter the issue, they won’t see you.
That’s rough.
I’ve been craving a hug lately from someone I love.
And I realized that one of the things I struggled with the most growing up was feeling unseen.
It got me thinking, what is your cry for help?
Like what is the thing that you would do that would send a signal to your friends to rally around you?
Imagine me, someone that doesn’t like being touched – CRAVING a hug.
It doesn’t require that your person hop on a flight and come hug you, but the simple acknowledgment could change your whole outlook.

I need a hug.
I won’t get one tonight.
Maybe that’s okay and maybe It’s not.
I am simply glad I wrote out how I feel tonight.
My therapist has me writing two affirmations a day. One that focuses on the inward and another that focuses outwardly – so I have to write one thing about how I feel inside and another about what I see outside of myself.
So maybe that is the lesson and message to you all today, affirm yourself.
It is so easy to feel negatively about yourself with everything going on in the world.
Find enough light to shine on yourself and remind yourself that you are amazing, beautiful, strong, talented, unique, capable, intelligent and more.
You are incredible.
I am thankful for you.
Till we read again, stay up and I love you.

Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

WordsOfWednesday

© 2023 #WhatTheHeckMan

I want to put a disclaimer out before I start writing this post. Some of what you read may trigger, upset disappoint or surprise you.
Nevertheless, I hope you enjoy this post.

Who do you love?
Who do you rep?
Who do you belong to?

It’s amazing how many of you thought about those questions above and immediately thought about the “people” in your life.
The others.
When in actual fact, the answer should be YOU, first.

It’s nothing to be sad or ashamed about. Fundamentally, we are want to belong to someone. To mean something to someone.
For a long little while now, I have felt incredibly alone.
It’s not something you can fix and it’s not like I don’t have people in my life but feeling unseen is something I have always struggled with since I was a boy.

Talking to my therapist over the last few weeks, it’s clear that my abandonment issues run deeper than I thought but also clear that I am not as good as thought at hiding my depression. Or maybe she’s just really good at her job.
Sometime in August 2020, I began feeling a pain in my stomach.
It was sharp and hard to explain away.
On the back of losing my job in March 2020, I drank way more than I needed to. Depressed, overweight and guzzling gallons of hard cider, I thought it must have been the problem.

Two years later, the doctor finally claims to have a diagnosis – one that I spiritually and physically reject.
Tons of tests, MRI scans, tubes up places hard to explain.
It’s been rough.
And, yeah you guessed it, lonely.

Why did I start by talking about my abandonment issues?
Well, last week my therapist asked that I take a leap and start sharing more with people close to me.
So I took a leap of faith and did – welp, that backfired.
Not only did they start by being upset with me for not sharing sooner, they soon failed to even dig deeper on what may have been wrong.
Leaving me back where?
Alone.

Let me explain something – for people that struggle to trust people with the darkest of them, it’s never out of a lack of options.
Its more about what happens when the baton is dropped.
Don’t get it wrong, expecting the worst to happen is wrong and now how you should love. But when you repeatedly feel let down, you start to believe a reality where you don’t think you deserve love.
This leads to you not only further isolating but also sabotaging spaces where genuine love could grow.

I am thankful for those that love me and are intentional about showing it.
I am learning to accept it – it’s hard.
Think of it like this, I am trying to undo decades of being in the “shadows” – your light aids my journey out of darkness.
One day at a time.

For right now, wrap your arms a bit tighter around that person that means something to you.
Whisper what they mean to you.
Then belt it out in your actions.
Your arms are enough for a hug, but everyone does better when they feel the warmth of love around them.

Check your s&*(&t

If you even remotely use social media and haven’t been sleeping under a rock for the past few months and years, you’ll realize that biases are everywhere. Many of them, negative towards furthering a sense of community and belonging.

All over the world, biases and micro aggressions continue to drive a wedge between people you expect to know better.
Hate sells.
It burns but it sells.
It’s important to always check your biases – even when you think you are infallible, you’re not.

When I was about to start working with my therapist that I now absolutely love.
I remember the day she and others were recommended to me. I almost did not select her because she was not smiling in her profile picture. I thought she would be “mean”.
Even me that I have spent countless hours with mental health professionals – I almost gave into my biases.
I am glad I checked myself and went forward.

In the quiet moments, check your biases.
“I don’t have any problem with _” but you won’t get close to them. Yes, you do.
Be better.
Do better.
You’ll be better for it.

Till next week, love on yourself.
I am certainly going to spend time working on it. I hope you do too. Have a great rest of the day and week ahead.
All my love. 🌹

Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

WordsOfWednesday

© 2023 #WhatTheHeckMan

WordsOfWednesday
A Year into my Fitness Journey
Initiated this blog on February 14th. Updated on March 14th, 2023.

One of the main areas I focused on first was my diet.
Green and Grown – I made sure I overloaded on vegetables and things loaded in fiber (I swear by Shirataki noodles), they are low in calories and high in fiber.
My typical meal with them stays balanced – Shirataki noodles, a scoop of rice, grilled chicken thighs, half a plantain (y’all know I love my plantain) & avocado.

You win in the kitchen first – whether you are trying to shed weight or add, you win first in the kitchen.
As much as you can, tackle that area first.
You want to load up on protein daily, a decent amount of carbs, healthy fats and get tons of sleep.
I am struggling with the sleep part even a year in but I certainly have more of the other parts sorted.

Green and Grown
Potatoes and spinach
Boiled plantain & a eggs with spinach
Salads
Smoothies
Yogurt
Riced cauliflower and stir fry
Cauliflower noodles
Chicken drumsticks with garri
Mixed vegetables
Salmon and boiled plantain
Shirataki noodles, Turkey meatballs
Pot stickers

The gym doesn’t “fix” body dysmorphia.
You have to achieve self love to appreciate your body in whatever state or stage it’s in. As I pushed through dominating my body into submission – it became clear that I needed to also fix my mental.
So I focused on healing my mind as I changed my body.
Fitness and wellness should be a lifelong journey – the number of lbs lost or gained won’t make you love yourself more if your mind ain’t right.
There are times where I know what I have done and how much I have achieved but my eyes cannot see it.
Don’t get caught in that space.
You may want to change your body but you need to have a conversation with your mind and heart first.

People’s opinions matter – NOT.
Some will say you are already good and some will say you’re too fat.
Some will say you don’t need to lose any weight but when you do, they’ll be shocked that there was weight to lose.
Focus on you. Do it for you.
Do it because of what YOU want, not what they want.

Ignore the Scale
I think I said this in one of my previous posts but when I started my journey on March 16th last year, I did not get on the scale till September 2nd, 2023.
It gave me time to just focus on looking and feeling good. My pants and clothes began to not fit anymore.
Then when I stepped on the scale, I now had a platform where I needed to go and how much more I needed to shed.

Looking good starts outward
While that line itself may feel misleading or against all the “woke” body positivity we have been talking about for the last few years, in the gym, it’s true.
You have to look good to feel good and many times, that is sometimes squarely about your outward appearance.
Dress nice, even as you start to prepare for the body you ultimately want.
While I have some expensive and high quality pieces in my closet, I encourage you to start with comfortable affordable and nice looking gym outfits to start off your journey.
When I started my journey, I would get nice Adidas, Nike, Fabletics sets from Ross, Dress for Less.
Then as I got closer to the body I wanted, I switched to a mixture of places, some things I get some Fabletics, Nike, Boohoo MAN, Adidas and also the great Amazon.
And I began going for higher quality and durability. At the forefront though, comfort and style.
How else am I going to continue falling deeply in love with myself if I don’t wear sex coord outfits that gym.

Be ready for the inevitable changes
As you embark on a life changing and life altering journey, things will change.
Your body, your mind, and your relationship to both. People’s relationships/views of your body will also morph. All of it will change. I was not ready for the changes to be honest, so I want to make sure you are.

First of all, I’m now a lightweight. Before I could have two or three drinks before I would feel something and now, one shot and my eye don dirty.
I could hit a joint and be cool, now, no such thing.
It’s almost like with the weight loss, my body cannot soak up the externals that inebriated me.
What a life.

My libido is also much higher. I used to joke that one of the main reasons I wanted to lose weight was to look good while shifting her furniture.
Little did I know that it would lead to me wanting it more everyday. I am not a man super fussed about “working out together all the time”, well I wasn’t but now?
Omo!
🎶🎶 one glance is all it takes, want to remove your paynt 🎶🎶🎶 🤣🤣🤣
So get ready for it.
For some people, it’s because of the supplements they take (maca root, preworkout) and for others, it’s just their body naturally having more energy to expend energy. You have been warned.


I also may or may not have noticed that I actually go longer now. But that’s not why we are here and you won’t be finding out, so face your front. ☺️

Being healthy is expensive
It’s cheaper to eat junk or processed foods. Your $5 at McDonald’s will fill you up.
Walk into Whole Foods with that and all you are walking out with is spring onions and a potential death stare from a Karen wondering how you got in.
Amazing stuff.
Being healthy and eating healthy is expensive and requires a deep commitment to the cause. Find bargains where you can.
For example, I buy organic things from Safeway but I buy other things from Grocery Outlet or FoodMaxx which are more bargain stores. Find the system that works for you and run with that.

Be kind.
The journey to the body and most importantly life you want will be hard.
Bumpy.
Smooth.
Up and down.
Slow.
Then fast.
It will test you and your mind.
There will be days you don’t want to but you need to.
Your life will be better for it.
But most importantly be kind to yourself.

The new body you want is ahead of you and you have never met beyond Youtube clippings and Instagram saved posts. But you see this body you are currently in, cherish it.
Respect it.
Honor it.
And make you keep it whole.

Thank you for being part of my journey so far.
Year 1 down.
Here is to many more in great health and sound mind.

Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

WordsOfWednesday

© 2023 #WhatTheHeckMan

New poem that came to me as I was meal prepping.

What do you want from me?
No, tell me
Do you want me?
Or do you want me?
Do you want my body or my soul?
Or both
Who knows
Do you want me alone?
Will you ever be grown?
Because here I am feeling things
Things that are not speaking for me
Or speaking for me
Reactions to every interaction
My heart beats faster worried about the words that you might say
Or not say
Everything reminds me of what much more can be
But you say nothing
So I remain at your mercy
Longing for your voice
The same one used to wax lyrical about the things you wanted to do to me
But are there things you plan to do with me
Me as yours
Side by side
Hand in hand
Tied
One team
Same side

feelings.

Top of mountain
The breeze palming your buttcheeks on foreign beach
Unexpected money in your account
Validation offered without request
The day of victory
Curling of toes
Eyes rolling back
The first takeoff after lockdown was lifted.

Feelings are everywhere.
In many cases, we run from them. The best of them creep up on you in broad daylight.
One moment they are an unsaved number, then emoji’s next to their name, then suddenly you can breathe when they don’t answer.
Feelings eh?

I realized that as I have gotten older, being able to feel alone is not enough.
Being able to feel things and describe them aptly is a muscle that most adults need to have worked and constantly build on.
I began this a few weeks ago, I stopped answering my therapist’s “how are you?” with a generic “I’m okay”.
I started finding the actual word to describe how I was feeling.

Do you know the vocabulary for how you feel?
Can you explain the difference between you being afraid and tentative?
It has proved magical being able to tell someone you feel fear, love, joy, and more.

I laugh at those that spend so much energy trying not to feel things.
Fear of catching feelings, caring deeply for people and the rest.
But all those are feelings – you are capable of feeling. Deep rewarding feelings.

Allow yourself to feel everything.
Yes, everything.
The highs, the lows, the unknown, the certain – feel yourself.
Use the feelings chart I posted up there as much as you can.

And right now, do this exercise with me.
Read along slowly
Pause…1…2….3
Wiggle your toes!
Before you did that, were you feeling yours toes?
I bet not.
Feel within your body.
Feel your heart race and slow.
Remember to take deep breathes and wiggle your toes.

Run by Lloyiso

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/track/1SAxAnhOG0xTh0Gm2Qlsoj?si=4f1eecdffd774626
Apple: https://music.apple.com/us/album/run/1671838049?i=1671838155

Call My Phone by Rexxie, Ajebo Hustlers

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/track/2Buv3NUP63ckzuKMouDGC6?si=b7ed923ec86b4e41
Apple: https://music.apple.com/us/album/call-my-phone/1667527251?i=1667527254

Jolie by Khaid

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/track/7wMYtt3SEquaep8sWCdQqp?si=d5c239d2734348bf
Apple: https://music.apple.com/us/album/jolie/1663908126?i=1663908128

GwaGwalada by Bnxn, Kizz Daviel, Seyi Vibez

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/track/6wuMo4ZR83PhlhXhJ1S3VY?si=e3db7cf1ae5b4d18
Apple: https://music.apple.com/us/album/gwagwalada/1669351463?i=1669351466

Sability by Ayra Starr

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/artist/3ZpEKRjHaHANcpk10u6Ntq?si=1333f150b7414224
Apple: https://music.apple.com/us/album/sability/1667892664?i=1667892665

Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

WordsOfWednesday

© 2023 #WhatTheHeckMan

Mixed emotions
Tension
A collective inhale
Restricted flow
Information loss
We knew it was coming
But like hot eba with no stew
No hope
It’s lodged firmly
In our throats
In our hearts
This sucks
This is Nigeria
Not my home

It’s Monday and many of you are probably reading this on Wednesday or later – at the time of writing this, I’ve called on God, many times.
Stranded, hopeless and holding my breath – I am not entirely sure what I am hoping for.
A miracle that shines light on a 100million homes in poverty or the painful reality that our adopted jollof will now come second to indigestible agbado (corn).
I want more.
I want more than hopelessness.
I used to love the sight of main gate after school at Mayflower Ikenne because it meant a reunion with the delicious buns and egg roll lady.
Picking them up with a fork, she would lift your portions out of a plastic or glass container and place them on a piece of paper.
Who would have thought that 20years later – I am haunted by that image. Paper and plastic.

Watching INEC hold a sham of an election with citizens of the world’s most populated Black Country voting into plastic bins that you can snag at your local dollar tree. The “organization” blatantly ignoring the rule of law and manipulating papers that we clearly saw just the day before.
Is this who we have become?
It’s naivety that makes you think we have just become “we have always been”.
Think back to the numerous coups, the tribal wars, the blatant disregard for life.
Lekki.
It has taken it’s toll.
Nigerians said enough and blocked the gate.
But they somehow have driven their bullion van of lies and deceit through our bloodied hearts.
Why?

———
Wednesday.

It’s 7:15am and I am finally mixing my preworkout drink.
This is the latest I have headed to the gym in the last month. I woke up 4-5 times over the course of the night.
My gym opens at 5am and I would typically will myself up early but I simply could not convince myself to Arise today.
There are so many ways to Channel(s) your energy into willing yourself up.
Simply put, this sucks.
They say it’s the hope that kills you but it’s the hope that gives you life and makes you reach for more.
The hope forces you to not give up on yourself.
I wonder where we would be as a people if we didn’t hope.

I am sad and proud to be a Nigerian today.
For a long time, there was a general belief that young people in Nigeria simply didn’t care enough.
And maybe this is the start of the change that we want or start of something new but people came out.
It was clear that at the very least “some” Nigerians want something different for themselves.
Their force was felt.
As a people, we elected the man we believe to be a first key step in recovery as a country and people.
Peter Obi.
Unfortunately in broad daylight or at 4am in the dark of the night, they stole our future from us.
It feels like a lost cause because we are currently unsure how compromised the justice system is.
I am angry.
I am sad.
Frustrated.
Mad.
This election was rigged and stolen.

This election reminded me of something – we can all be in different parts of the world and feel things as one.
Collectively, today I felt the pain and sadnesss in the hearts of Nigerian’s world wide.
We are more united than we can see.

I don’t feel comfortable saying “God save Nigeria”.
Feels like he forgot us.
There is no reason why a country filled with so many talented and ambitious black people should “elect” a President and collectively feel dread, fear, sadness all over the world as one.
Nigerians are terrified but as always, we will thrive.
Hopefully before the BAT and terrorist king become unalive.

Music I’m Currently Loving

Dream About You by Lloyiso

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/track/05lM7Ep8UESoe3LV5yrew5?si=6c92062b056b4d35
Apple: https://music.apple.com/us/album/dream-about-you/1578954949?i=1578954958

Wo Wo(Remix) by Minz ft. Bnxn by

Spotify:https://open.spotify.com/track/7v6HbQggLsB2UUCqABkJoX?si=94ac2d8cdefc458c
Apple:https://music.apple.com/us/album/wo-wo-remix/1664572401?i=1664572409

I Can’t Shout by BisiManuel
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KQSip3rsg8

Ma Femme by Monsieur Nov, Tayc

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/track/3DUTKcvmttd934SKVCEocy?si=0638b352ac9d43cc
Apple: https://music.apple.com/us/album/ma-femme-feat-tayc/1670100838?i=1670101140

Money Before Love by Portable

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/track/1VZ8I1SaIZBktZQJnbzQ2M?si=f482418cc27f4b32
Apple: https://music.apple.com/us/album/money-before-you-love/1622228432?i=1622228433

Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support.
You are highly appreciated.

WordsOfWednesday

© 2023 #WhatTheHeckMan