What do you want from me? No, tell me Do you want me? Or do you want me? Do you want my body or my soul? Or both Who knows Do you want me alone? Will you ever be grown? Because here I am feeling things Things that are not speaking for me Or speaking for me Reactions to every interaction My heart beats faster worried about the words that you might say Or not say Everything reminds me of what much more can be But you say nothing So I remain at your mercy Longing for your voice The same one used to wax lyrical about the things you wanted to do to me But are there things you plan to do with me Me as yours Side by side Hand in hand Tied One team Same side
feelings.
Top of mountain The breeze palming your buttcheeks on foreign beach Unexpected money in your account Validation offered without request The day of victory Curling of toes Eyes rolling back The first takeoff after lockdown was lifted.
Feelings are everywhere. In many cases, we run from them. The best of them creep up on you in broad daylight. One moment they are an unsaved number, then emoji’s next to their name, then suddenly you can breathe when they don’t answer. Feelings eh?
I realized that as I have gotten older, being able to feel alone is not enough. Being able to feel things and describe them aptly is a muscle that most adults need to have worked and constantly build on. I began this a few weeks ago, I stopped answering my therapist’s “how are you?” with a generic “I’m okay”. I started finding the actual word to describe how I was feeling.
Do you know the vocabulary for how you feel? Can you explain the difference between you being afraid and tentative? It has proved magical being able to tell someone you feel fear, love, joy, and more.
I laugh at those that spend so much energy trying not to feel things. Fear of catching feelings, caring deeply for people and the rest. But all those are feelings – you are capable of feeling. Deep rewarding feelings.
Allow yourself to feel everything. Yes, everything. The highs, the lows, the unknown, the certain – feel yourself. Use the feelings chart I posted up there as much as you can.
And right now, do this exercise with me. Read along slowly Pause…1…2….3 Wiggle your toes! Before you did that, were you feeling yours toes? I bet not. Feel within your body. Feel your heart race and slow. Remember to take deep breathes and wiggle your toes.
Sanmi in Mexico, Circa 2014. Freshly heartbroken, teaching English to a local school. Lost from God, considered ending it all 3times. On this day, I was making my way home from teaching and listening to gospel music – I felt moved to tears and simply gripped in my soul. I tried to record what I was feeling and broke down in tears. This is a screenshot from that video. This is how I feel as I write this.
Mixed emotions Tension A collective inhale Restricted flow Information loss We knew it was coming But like hot eba with no stew No hope It’s lodged firmly In our throats In our hearts This sucks This is Nigeria Not my home
It’s Monday and many of you are probably reading this on Wednesday or later – at the time of writing this, I’ve called on God, many times. Stranded, hopeless and holding my breath – I am not entirely sure what I am hoping for. A miracle that shines light on a 100million homes in poverty or the painful reality that our adopted jollof will now come second to indigestible agbado (corn). I want more. I want more than hopelessness. I used to love the sight of main gate after school at Mayflower Ikenne because it meant a reunion with the delicious buns and egg roll lady. Picking them up with a fork, she would lift your portions out of a plastic or glass container and place them on a piece of paper. Who would have thought that 20years later – I am haunted by that image. Paper and plastic.
Watching INEC hold a sham of an election with citizens of the world’s most populated Black Country voting into plastic bins that you can snag at your local dollar tree. The “organization” blatantly ignoring the rule of law and manipulating papers that we clearly saw just the day before. Is this who we have become? It’s naivety that makes you think we have just become “we have always been”. Think back to the numerous coups, the tribal wars, the blatant disregard for life. Lekki. It has taken it’s toll. Nigerians said enough and blocked the gate. But they somehow have driven their bullion van of lies and deceit through our bloodied hearts. Why?
——— Wednesday.
It’s 7:15am and I am finally mixing my preworkout drink. This is the latest I have headed to the gym in the last month. I woke up 4-5 times over the course of the night. My gym opens at 5am and I would typically will myself up early but I simply could not convince myself to Arise today. There are so many ways to Channel(s) your energy into willing yourself up. Simply put, this sucks. They say it’s the hope that kills you but it’s the hope that gives you life and makes you reach for more. The hope forces you to not give up on yourself. I wonder where we would be as a people if we didn’t hope.
I am sad and proud to be a Nigerian today. For a long time, there was a general belief that young people in Nigeria simply didn’t care enough. And maybe this is the start of the change that we want or start of something new but people came out. It was clear that at the very least “some” Nigerians want something different for themselves. Their force was felt. As a people, we elected the man we believe to be a first key step in recovery as a country and people. Peter Obi. Unfortunately in broad daylight or at 4am in the dark of the night, they stole our future from us. It feels like a lost cause because we are currently unsure how compromised the justice system is. I am angry. I am sad. Frustrated. Mad. This election was rigged and stolen.
This election reminded me of something – we can all be in different parts of the world and feel things as one. Collectively, today I felt the pain and sadnesss in the hearts of Nigerian’s world wide. We are more united than we can see.
I don’t feel comfortable saying “God save Nigeria”. Feels like he forgot us. There is no reason why a country filled with so many talented and ambitious black people should “elect” a President and collectively feel dread, fear, sadness all over the world as one. Nigerians are terrified but as always, we will thrive. Hopefully before the BAT and terrorist king become unalive.
— As I left the gym that day, I kept thinking to myself, how did I get here? Last week, I wrote about discipline and I love how people reference that as some of the traits or things they like about me. But I firmly remember a time when I never thought I would be a disciplined person. I may already have shared with y’all about how my grandfather was absolutely certain that my cousins and I would be lazy people. All because we did not want to sweep the compound at 7am on a Saturday. LOLGod rest his soul.
But this post is not entirely about discipline (it kind of is). It is more about coming to the realization that here is nothing I’ve super cherished that I’ve never had to work hard for, even if that work was just to appreciate what I had. Not a job, friendship, relationship, or even hobby. I realized a few years ago and my 2022 made it abundantly clear – anything good you want in this life, you have to work for it. Now, I most certainly do not believe that you should have to lose yourself to draining or painful work for you to enjoy life, but I most definitely believe that the best things require intentional effort.
Relationships are hard. Being true to you is hard. Friendships are hardwork. Like I said before, none of those should be draining work but it is hard work. I have some friendships turning almost 20years in the next few months. While I love and cherish them, I realize that those relationships have been filled with ups and downs. And pretending it’s not so, does nothing for me. It’s the lows that make me appreciate the highs more – and knowing that it took intentional work to get there, makes me hold on to it even more. Interacting with people can be hard but make sure you invest in people that are worth it. With the understanding that even if it seems easy or hard, you have to choose them every single day.
What Do You Mean You’re Getting Old?
My father turns 70 this September. For a few years, I have been terrified of the prospect and the reality of my parents getting older. I typically do well challenging irrational fears in may head but this one has only grown over the years. I think there is something about the inevitable that rings true but also knowing fully well that you do not control anything. I love my parents dearly as you may know but yeah, it scares me.
My parents also live a world away from me. So we do not get to talk everyday. Sometimes when I get a call or message from them, I panic. The panic became clear in my voice as they would call me. One day recently, my mom snapped at me on the phone because I sounded super concerned as I picked her call. I get it. No one wants to feel like every time they call someone, they induce fear but what can I say?! I love my parentssss! I even had to make it clear to them to never lie to me about anything, especially their health. Too many times, I have heard of people who’s parents hid critical conditions from them till the very last minute. Not only robbing them of time with their families but also creating a shock reaction when the inevitable loss happens. May we never experience that in our lives and for those that have, I pray healing for you. More importantly, the feelings I have continue to remind me to be intentional about loving my parents as aggressively and intentionally as I can. I hope you do the same for you and yours.
Anyway, I just wanted to sound this out because it is something that has been weighing heavily on me lately. Can you relate to any of the areas I spoke to this week? IF you can, let me know in the comments section or on Twitter/Instagram.
What If I Left?
What would happen if I wasn’t here anymore? Not dead. Just not actively present for your interaction or consumption. Lately, I have been feeling the intense urge to disappear. Like leave everything behind and just go. I have begun to understand the people that leave everything and start over. It may seem irrational to some people and even crazy but I get it. Most people would never have the courage to make that choice but I am not most people and I believe in putting my peace first. So hmmmm. It’s not something I have planned out…yet but I am curious to find out if other folks feel the same way. Let me know in the comments as well. Till next time, stay up!
Here are my Top Songs I have been listening to this week
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this week’s post. I appreciate all the love and support over the last few weeks and since 2013. I am trying to stay consistent with posting every week, your comments, messages, likes and more are genuine fuel to post more. I always say this, I write ALL the time but I sometimes struggle to post. When I know I am coming to deliver to you all every week, it gives me a bit more fire. So please, never hold back your comments on the blog post and if you cannot comment here, feel free to send me a message as well. They all go a long way. And with that, here are the WordsOfWednesday from The Wordsmith. Enjoy!
. . . . . Hear Me Oh Lord, I Pray
For two weeks straight. Hardly any sleep. There I was, night after night, praying for it to end. The echoes of voices in my head. Sleep would visit but never lodge. I felt powerless in trying to change the situation. The people stronger than me were calling the shots. I was drifting away again. Deep into the night at 2am in the morning, I could hear the tambourines cymbals clang together sending echoes of tear laced prayers into the night. As I lost myself, I felt a firm a hot slap on my back slash shoulder area. It shocked me back into consciousness. Unclear of what just happened, I looked around and there staring at me while muttering something was my mother. We were doing night vigil. It was 3am.
There is power in prayer. The story, I just told you above was my reality for two weeks straight. In the early 2000’s while trying to japa my parents led a family vigil for two weeks straight. The prayer points varied but the theme was “God abeg”, we needed to leave Nigeria badly. Thank God we were all able to leave a few months later. It’s incredibly sad that Nigeria collectively is praying the same prayer now.
Prayers work – short and shallow or deep and vulnerable, they all work. While you are rushing to get to work despite waking up late because you watched Netflix throughout the night before or whether you are on your knees and praying with tears. I just wanted to share with you that prayers got me to where I am today. The prayers I know of and the ones that went straight up for me. Prayers are important.
. . . . . Disciplined Disciple
For many years, I would feel like shit. Everytime I lost it, or shared too much. I always felt like I was “weak” and while I don’t think weakness is a bad thing, I always felt having great discipline was one of my strengths. I was raised to have discipline. My grandfather loved to brag about how discipline made him great. My father talked about how it made him stand out in a crowded polygamous family. But there were times where I would let it slip. Asking for playtime when I was not going to have any. Or holding to chapters in journals lent out to others. Books that had my pages long ripped out. I had to tell myself I needed and deserved more.
In my situation, my lack discipline was affecting just me but in other situations, there are people benefitting from your lack of discipline. The longer you take to take full control of your life, some may continue to benefit from it. There is a man/woman that continues to take advantage of you because you don’t want to hold your boundaries. You haven’t gotten to that next level because you haven’t forced yourself to grind in this season. That life change, you want hasn’t happened yet because you haven’t pushed you as hard as you can. You know it too.
As a high achiever, whenever I don’t hit my goals, I feel unfulfilled. I did notice however, that on the goals that I aspired for and tried hard to give my best, if they don’t work, I am usually fine with it. But on others where I know I didn’t apply myself, I feel like a failure. Creativity is important, desire is necessary, consistency is key but discipline, changes everything.
. . . . . Get help!
I had double booked. As I sat down in my barber’s chair, I greeted him but did not respond to his greeting properly. I signaled that I was on the phone. I was trying to quietly reschedule my therapy session, so I could get this haircut and head on vacation. Then it dawned on me – why was I hiding that I was in therapy? Or “ashamed” of it?
I cannot tell you where it came from or how it did but the courage to speak up returned. I rescheduled the session and then I told him about how I’ve been in therapy. It got me thinking about how men mostly don’t talk about therapy and getting the help they need. The stigma around it has been long documented and I can completely understand why. Therapy requires a level of vulnerability and honesty that the world does not celebrate within men. But I like I have said over the past 11 months, I am no longer hiding from who I am or who I want to be anymore. Our chat about therapy was very short – he never said if he was in it or not but I shared my story, my journey and for me, that was plenty. I may have been the domino that made him consider therapy, return to it or move a step closer to it. Who knows? But I am glad I spoke about it.
For those of you out there considering therapy, here are some of the things I have learned so far.
Therapy is expensive – financially and emotionally. It will ask a lot of you – be ready to give it, so it can work.
It requires vulnerability and honesty – I always tell people that the easiest person to lie to is yourself, for it to work, you will have to be very honest about you and with you. Remember that.
It is a lifelong process – there will be phases where it seems like your whole life is put together and you don’t need therapy anymore, don’t fall for it. I did once. Stick with it. Make it a part of your lifetime emotional workout. Continue strengthening the muscle and you will be better for it.
Shout out to everyone that celebrated Valentine’s day yesterday. Your reward is in 9months. 🤰🏾😊
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During my company’s holiday party in December, I was walking through the venue. It had thousands of people in attendance including. There was incredible food, drinks, laughs and a musical performance by one of the most legendary pop artists of our time. As I waded through the crowd to use the bathroom, I got stopped by someone. They nervously tugged at my blazer. If you know me, I initially looked down in such disgust. Like huh? Who touched me????
I didn’t recognize the face as I looked down and they quickly introduced themselves “Hi Ade, it’s me __” I beamed a huge smile in response. A quick awkward hug and I was looking at them again. They quickly said “Thank you for everything” That was one of 4 similar encounters that night. I had hired him and the three other people that came up to me that night. Because of the pandemic, much of their recruitment and onboarding had happened virtually. In some cases, I never saw their faces unless I stalked their LinkedIn profiles. As I walked away that night, I felt a sense of pride. I brought some incredible people to the company. In some cases, it was giving them their dream jobs. One of the 4 was a recent Phd graduate and this was his first “big boy” job.
Last week, I found out that I got promoted. The only one on my large team to get promoted and scored a 110% on my annual evaluation. Why is all of this relevant? I am pretty darn good at my job. Phenomenal actually. You should see me in action. But I can’t help but remember how I almost never even got this far in my career.
A few years ago, I got called into a room with my director at the time and my lead. They told me that I wasn’t doing my job fast enough. In my mind I was. I may not have been moving as fast as they wanted and that’s okay. But their delivery that day was harsh. And for someone only a few months into that role, it shook me and discouraged me. I believe their intent was to inspire me but it actually made me consider quitting. But obviously, y’all know how stubborn I am. So I didn’t give up and here I am today.
Sometimes I hear the way my teams and leaders praise my work and a part of me is truly amazed. I got better. I worked harder. I pushed myself but I had help along the way. After I left that company, I worked for two leaders that believed in me and gave me the reins to push boundaries. I may not have been fast enough there but under the right leadership, I am the pace setter.
I wrote this WOW to remind you to believe in yourself and bet on you. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not good enough or great enough. Always take constructive feedback and apply it where needed but never give up on you because of someone else. Imagine if I gave up, the 100’s of candidates that have gone through me may not have the amazing opportunities they have right now. You are right where you need to be. Slow it down or speed it up but never stop moving.
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In previous years, I’ve written this as “random facts about me or get to know me” but it’s January 6th, 2023 – I have been up since about 6am in Ghana for my friends wedding. I waited till a little past 8 to get dressed and I’m heading to the gym downstairs. I have just taken my “first naked pictures of the year”. Relaxxxxx! It’s not really naked from the point of nudes but I’ve tracking my body and my progress for about 9months. I’d love to see what I look like by Jan 6th, 2024 by God’s grace.But as my birthday approaches, I am reviewing who I am and what I love. So here are 32 things about me, things I have learned and thoughts I have. I hope you enjoy!
I love worship. Specifically African worship. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Maverick City and Hillsong but how do you translate Ijinle ninu Ijinle where the meaning carries weight?
I enjoy pushing my own boundaries and limits. Whether it’s going heavier at the gym or testing my discipline, I really like seeing how far I can go.
I love learning my body and that has transferred into loving my fitness journey.
I struggle to ask for help. Don’t we all?Those of you that know how to ask for help, please how do you do it?
I am an experience. If you have the privilege of knowing or loving me, just know you’re in for a treat. Nuff said.
I really like cooking and creating new recipes. I don’t even know when I started loving cooking as much as I do but I thank my mom for letting me cook my first pot stew at 9 years old. Since then I have created many things since then and I just want to say thank you to mama Adewus. Check out @chefadewus on Instagram for your food inspirations.
I am currently learning a language and an instrument.
I am the first of 4 children. Being the oldest fills me with pride but Omo e be tins.
My last name is NOT Adewusi.
As I get older, my appetite and ambition continue to increase. I want more out of life and I work harder.
I give the best surprises. Ask about me. BUT I kinda hate surprises. With surprises, because of how much work I put into making sure I give the best ones, I think my standards
I lost 54lbs and I decided on March 16th, to absolutely change my physical and mental health and well-being. It’s coming up a year and I’m excited to transfer my disciple, dedication and grit to other areas of my life. Finances, coming for you next!
I really love writing as you can imagine – people call me The Wordsmith but I now hate reading! Actually I don’t hate it, I just don’t know if I have time daily to read anymore. I’m going to try to read more this year.
I love flowers. I typically get them every couple of weeks but I realize that the flowers are simply a symbol of my self love towards myself. Don’t get me wrong a bubble bath and getting your nails done is not the true meaning of self love but the physical can impact the emotional/spiritual. I love walking into my home with fresh flowers, with gel on my fingernails, with lavender in the air, with smooth jazz as my clouds. I love giving Sanmi his flowers, because he deserves all of them.
I schedule cry sessions. I feel a lot when it comes to the world. Empath some people say and sometimes the weight of the world can be too much. So I find time to cry and let it out. Gospel music is the surest vehicle to tears. I don’t even be trying half the time. I’m just here trying to praise God and next thing – wennnnnnnn.
I’m scared of my parents aging. My father turns 70 this year and I am trying to capture every moment with him and my mom. I know God will bless both with long life but damn. Do they really gotta get grey? Fucking biology.
I hate people gossiping about me. Even if it’s positive. Something about it always feels off but I guess it should come with the territory. Because there are times when I find myself sharing positive things about people I know. A few years ago, I decided that I wanted to change many things about my life and one of them was gossiping. It’s so easy to get caught in it. You’re with your guys/gals and someone’s name comes up. It feels harmless to just talk about them. A few words shouldn’t hurt but it can definitely cause harm. More often than not, we are sharing things that we cannot say in front of them, so I have chosen to be different.
I do not typically dream when I sleep. I realize that if you have been following me for a while, there are some things here that you may have read before. but yes, I rarely have dreams.
I love the sky. Like a lot.I love pictures of the sun. Sunrises or sunsets. Even random pictures of the sky just warm my heart. Forget God in the heavens for a sec (never forget God o) but I love the sky because it signals hope. I remember growing up either staying at my grandparents or at my uncle’s and aunt’s – when I missed my parents or my family, I would just look up into the sky. Sometimes in the star filled night and rest easy on the promise that the sun always rises in the morning to brighten up the sky.
There is nothing I set my mind to that I cannot achieve – NOTHING. I think it is the fear of failure or the need to never get complacent. I usually find myself tigerishly chasing after new goals. There is something about reminding your mind and body that you got this. I love how sometimes my friends tell me that it actually inspires them to chase their own dreams and goals. That is the world I want to live in continuously – so what am I looking to conquer next? Mastery of a language, playing an instrument and maybe building out another stream of income. Read my report at the end of 2023 and see how far I go.
I can start a conversation with anyone about almost anything. I am sure I picked this up from my dad. I used to watch him go to the dealership or the airport and just strike up a conversation with anyone! Frankly as a child, it kind of annoyed me but I see the value in it now. Especially because it happens so naturally, I never find myself begging for the conversation but if it we want to talk about stars or animals or the upcoming elections in Nigeria, I find myself capable of having those conversations. And truthfully, I like that about myself. I also think it’s because I remain curious about the world. I am always reading articles and trying to learn more about the world. My travels also help a bit as I always find myself learning from people and picking up new things.
I’m unlearning hardship and choosing ease. For those of us that grew up in Nigeria or in other parts of the world and with less than, there was a way we were taught to view the world. You had to grind for everything and not take the things you had for granted. I agree and believe that is the right way to navigate the world but I also believe that it sometimes forms a dependency on hardship and it can be hard to unlearn. Because of that upbringing, we hold on to hard situations and things that make us grind for happiness. I am looking to unlearn that – especially in 2023 and beyond. We strive for ease.
I really love traveling – growing up, I would watch my father as he watched Discovery Channel or the History Channel. He still loves documentaries so much. Somehow, it opened my eyes to the vastness of the world. Every time I travel, I realize how much of the world I have not seen and how small I am in it but also how big my impact can be. If you can travel, do it. Doesn’t have to be far countries or complex trips – start by exploring your own city and then state, then your country and others around it that you can drive to. You’ll begin to find that you make up a great big world and people are waiting to meet you.
I have the worst motion sickness. I had to put this one here right after the travel one because as much as I love traveling, I HATE the motion sickness I get. It is also why I don’t do rollercoasters. I am thankful for Dramamine. I can’t remember where or when I discovered it but it has changed how I travel and ride in cars. If you had bad motion sickness, you should check it out and see if it works for you. https://www.dramamine.com/products/motion-sickness-medicine/dramamine-non-drowsy
I struggle with letting people love on me. In therapy – working on it. Even this birthday, I struggled with letting people do nice things for me. It always makes me feel bad that I can sometimes feel emotionally closed off but I want to be better and let people give the love I give to them back to me.
Kindness over everything. I believe that kindness should be the most important trait when dealing with people. I don’t think there is enough of it going around the world. One goal of mine this year is to show a bit more kindness in every space I occupy.
My favorite word as I get older is IMPACT. If you know me well enough, you’ll know that it drives everything I do and want to do. Are you being impactful in the spaces you occupy?
My favorite meal of all time is spaghetti with my pasta sauce and meatballs. Don’t ask me why but I also like to boil some plantain and an egg in that joint. Tastes heavenly – you should have me make it for you at some point.
I am learning that my depression and mental health challenges don’t make me less of an amazing person.
I really enjoy reading all your comments when I post blogposts. You may not know it but on those dark days, I pull up your comments and sometimes read them, in a way, my art makes me feel seen and I thankful that it resonates with you all. So please never stop commenting and sharing, I appreciate it.
I have incredible music taste. You’ll catch me listening to Neo soul and then rap, then UK rap, then acrobats, then jazz – all of them dey and I love it.
I am grateful for everything I am and everything I have and what is to come. Simple.
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I’ve been taking pictures of the sky a lot lately. Every morning for the past two weeks, I’ve taken pictures of the sky and the sun as I make my way to the gym. I love pictures of the sun. Sunrises or sunsets. Even random pictures of the sky just warm my heart. Forget God in the heavens for a sec (never forget God o) but I love the sky because it signals hope. I remember growing up either staying at my grandparents or at my uncle’s and aunt’s – when I missed my parents or my family, I would just look up into the sky. Sometimes in the star filled night and rest easy on the promise that the sun always rises in the morning to brighten up the sky.
My heart has been heavy for a few days now – many conflicting workflows battling for the little bit of happy I have left. Like kilode?! Anyway, my birthday is in a less than a week and I am actually pretty excited this time around. For various reasons but one really important one, I feel seen. I enjoy me. I like me. On most days. But I also like that I am evolving and rediscovering who I am and who I want to be. I confirmed something I always knew about myself recently.
LOS ANGELES — FOX Sports personality and Pro Football Hall of Famer Shannon Sharpe had to be escorted from the Crypto.com Arena floor Friday night after an altercation with several Memphis Grizzlies players. The incident happened shortly after the halftime buzzer when Sharpe yelled at Ja Morant after the final possession of the first half. As Morant was walking off the court toward the locker room, he paused and walked in the direction of Sharpe at his courtside seat. Before Morant could get any closer, teammate Steven Adams stepped in front of him and approached Sharpe. Other team personnel, including Morant’s father Tee Morant, got involved as Crypto.com security separated the crowd. “I bet you won’t!” Sharpe yelled at Tee Morant as the two were pulled away from each other. Sharpe and Tee Morant are both back in their seats for the second half.
Basically Shannon Sharpe got out of character. A few days later he apologized on his TV show. I happened to catch the apology and it resonated with me. You can see the full apology here but something he said stood out to me. He said – “I’m not going to say that wasn’t Shannon Sharpe because it was, it was just me getting out of character” Whew! Many times we apologize for our truth. We see our flaws as something that makes us less but it doesn’t. I love that I am never too big to apologize when I am wrong and if you are my friend, I would almost always seek to fix things first. It’s important to be responsible for all of yourself, but it’s even more important to place yourself around people and in spaces that bring the best out of you and not the worst. If you are constantly around someone and you walk away feeling drained – maybe you need to stop being around them.
I like my evolution but sometimes the growth you have experienced will cause you “pain”. Because you find yourself standing firmly around people you once knew and they are still in the same emotional spaces. The gap your growth afforded you will also have you feeling sad for them and that is hard. Lastly, I’ll leave you with this – evaluate all areas of your life and be truthful to yourself. Peel back some of the layers and you’ll see that some people in your life are just placeholders and sometimes you are one too.
You’ve Changed o “Sanmi just over here mad all the time” “If this is who you have become after all these years, then I guess I didn’t miss out on much” “You’re just like all the other guys out there”
First let me start by saying that you should never let anyone’s perception of you become your reality. For me, what you think or see as being mean or selfish is choosing to no longer be a people pleaser and putting myself first. I used to live for validation and external acknowledgment, the moment you start putting yourself first, everyone thinks you’ve changed. I’ll admit that I wish I heard more voices announcing and validating my worth as a young boy. I simply didn’t. As an adult, you can affirm those voices yourself or continue to accept instances, spaces and people that validate your lack of self worth.
Those hard relationships? The ones that make you write long un-replied essays, make your heart race not into the sunshine but to duck and cover? Those are you reaffirming spaces that make you feel less than you actually are. You should leave.
——
You’ve become an “influencer” – why do we try to clown people for living the lives they want while living the ones we don’t want. Being up close to an influencer, you realize it’s not easy. Delivering and inspiring in an industry that is still finding itself, is hard work and I respect people that do it. I also respect the fact that these people make their living by living out their creativity and truth. I don’t think I’m an influencer. I believe I have talents that I feel grateful and privileged to share with the world but never anything beyond that. If that leads to influence and bag someday, then so be it.
But I am not a fan of the underhanded compliments or slights at what you do. It actually brought up something for me regarding a “friend” – I realized that after thinking about all my interactions with said person, I don’t think I have heard them give me a straight forward compliment in years. It’s wild. They won’t directly engage your content or work but will say things like “na wa you’re big now o”.
Cracks me up because what if I wanted to become an influencer true true. There is money there o! Like serious money and you don’t want me to us the talent I already have to chop from there? Yeah, you definitely hate me.
Live your life. For you. Enjoy it. Make that reel. Post that pic. Start that page. You may not think it but you are a true influence. Even if its not to the people closest to you.
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It’s my birthday next week. I have been working on a special post that I cannot wait to share! Next week’s post will come out on Tuesday (my birthday) and not Wednesday. Also, some of you have been asking for my birthday wishlist. If you are a gift giver and you typically get gifts from your friends, I encourage you to make a list during your birthday period.
It cuts out the tedious guesswork of people trying to figure out what you want or need for your birthday. For someone like me, my birthday wishlists are basically EVERYTHING I need in this time. No gimmicks. So if it’s there, I need it and if you didn’t get it for me, I would have had to use my money to get it. And why do that?
Anyway, for those that asked for my list here it is – https://www.thingstogetme.com/620500a76b96 PS: If you know me personally and you want to get something but not pay the reservation fee – please message me directly. Thank you!
Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support. You are highly appreciated.
It’s 3:30am. My aunt is on the couch in front of me snoring. On the other couch, my other aunt’s driver is gently snoring. I bet they are both probably glad that I am awake now because I am pretty sure I snore louder than them. I’m sleeping on a mattress on the floor for the night and I feel so at peace. There is a Christmas tree to the right of me leaning on a standing fan. There’s no light in the house right now because Nigeria but it doesn’t matter. There’s a ton of food left from the party earlier and lots of love around every corner of this home. That is golden.
As I reflect on the year – and it’s been a hell of a year, all I can say is “Thank God”. 2022 was a year I would describe as simply – restless determination. Before the year began, I was committed to arresting certain areas of my life. I decided that 2022 would be the year that positioned me for the rest of my life. I had been doing the work in different areas but this was the year that I wanted to properly channel the same energy in all areas of my life. I became obsessed with building the forever life I wanted – today.
In this year’s review – I’ll talk about certain areas of my life like I did last year (you can read the 2021 review here), how I did in 2022 while sharing the expected scores of 2023. I want to make it clear, I give myself scores because I am incredibly critical of myself but most importantly, I love to document progress and growth. It was even while reading last year’s post that I realized that I had done really well for myself and had a great year. I also will be writing a letter to my Future self for the first time this year. I hope to document what that looks like next year too.
So here we go, my 2022 for you.
2022 Goals for Big Daddy Adewus + How I Did
Pray More – (I did this)
Touch more lives (I believe I did this)
Be kind to me (Definitely flunked at this!)
Enjoy life (I chopped life last year sha)
Argue less, resist the urge to defend yourself (Kinda sorta did this but more can be done here)
Faith: I am still not convinced that my Pastor is the man to lead me at my church. I love church because of the communion and worship space it provides me but I am not sure I am deeply convinced in the depth of the Pastor as a spiritual leader. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great man. Really nice guy. But something feels off – I find myself zoning out when he preaches. I also think that the fact that he somehow works in “tithe paying” in to EVERY sermon is a huge turn off for me. It makes me feel like he’s not speaking from a deep place of fellowship with God. How are you preaching about loving your brother and somehow tithe becomes the focus?
All that being said, I enjoyed my growth with God last year. I feel a bit wiser and stronger in him. I still deeply love worship and I joined a worship collective with some other worship leaders in my local community. We meet once a month to sing and fellowship together. I also think that my daily sessions with God while working out have been life changing. I always feel him near and I communicate directly. It’s so odd to have a personal communion with God in such a public place but I ain’t mad at it. Where do you hear God the most and the clearest?This year, I want to intentionally pray more. Much of my praying comes from worship – which I guess is not bad but people always make it seem like if you are not a prayer warrior like the MFM church, you are doing it wrong. I also want God to use me more this year. Amplify my impact in the most amazing ways. Last but not least, I want my life to reflect that I serve a living God. You may also hear me on one or two projects this year. So stay tuned!
2022 Expected Score: B+ 2022 Final Score: B+ 2023 Expected Score: A
Fitness: WOW. If you read the entry from last year, I was just at the beginning of my fitness journey. Amazingly, I crushed it. I think I wanted to go down. My fitness journey because I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. I lost a lot of weight in 2013-2014 because I was depressed and heartbroken from a relationship. But this time around, I didn’t just want to lose weight. I wanted to change my life – starting with my body. I never went on any fad diets or used supplements. Everything you see is me grinding hard through every rep and pushing myself to the limit. I lost almost 54lbs last year. While most of the progress looked like it came from the gym, I can tell you confidently that I won first in the kitchen. Cutting out unnecessary sugars and fatty things was essential for me. I am not yet at my final form but I am certainly on my way. Here’s to an even more ridiculous fitness year. Let me know if you want to come on the ride as well!
2022 Expected Score: B+ 2022 Final Score: A++ 2023 Expected Score: Keep that sameeee energy fam!
Creativity: Why are we so critical of ourselves? I was talking to a friend on the phone yesterday as I went through each segment. When I got to this segment, I wanted to give myself a C but then the person added more color to my perspective and changed it.
Last year we had the first video taped episodes of my podcast. I started my speaking videos on Instagram and TikTok. I started my food page and while I stopped posting as frequently because of my dieting, I actually did it. Also 2022 was probably my most active year on my blog since maybe 2019 or 2018. Plus TheRantsShow did its thing and the annual giveback was another success, so there you go Sanmi. It was a good year. It can get even better.
I want to make TheRantsShow the most impactful podcast and show with Nigerian hosts and roots this year. Watch this space.
2022 Expected Score: A 2022 Final Score: B- 2023 Expected Score: B+
Finances: I didn’t always stick to my budget in 2022. I spent a lot on trips, travel and time with my friends but I still hit my savings goals. Part of my goal this year will be to save and keep the money saved. I may need to move things to a separate SEPARATE account. But our goals must be achieved this year. I mentioned last year that I have big goals and I still do – so diligence this year will be key in all that we do.
2022 Expected Score: A+ 2022 Final Score: B 2023 Expected Score: B+
Relationships: As you get wiser, you discover more of who you are, who you want to be and everything in between. In 2022, I prioritized my mental health and my place in friendships. There were some that I cut completely. Resurrected a few. Others that I restructured and some that I restricted.
I am still very thankful for the friendships and relationships I have. I feel like I nurtured the ones that needed water and love. I also learned that in relationships, you can sometimes over water them. Sometimes you need to tend to the soil with a till and not muddy the soil.
One thing that came up for me in 2022 was that I realized how much I hadn’t been fought for in my life. I always felt that friends and partners had usually given up on me. It’s still a few I loosely carry. So I decided that I would fight for me. To some, it may seem rash or harsh and even extra sometimes but truth be told, I had to look out for me first. And I encourage you to do the same. Not at the expense of others or while harming others but truly because you have to learn to put you first. Inverted or not, it is what you put in front of the mirror that looks back at you. And if you let life have it’s way, it can drain you off the joy you find in people and in yourself. So yes, 2022 relationship wise required work. It required communication, patience, kindness, honesty and forgiveness. It was hard but it was real – just ask the scar on my forehead.
2022 Expected Score: B 2022 Final Score: B- 2023 Expected Score: B+
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A few weeks ago, I started making short videos that I post on Instagram and on TikTok. Somehow I haven’t blown yet 😂 – jk jk But the hardest part has been staying consistent through it all. This year, I have been grateful for putting myself first, trying new things and reminding myself where necessary, that I am that n**ga. There are fragments of this life that I have now that I sometimes only come to appreciate much later in the process but truth be told, I have a lot to be grateful for. Most of all is God’s faithfulness – even when I have been faithless and unfaithful. It is God, it’s been God and it will always be God. If you are a believer, stay close to him in everything.
One thing I have always heard growing up is “where there is a will, there’s a way”. But sometimes we fail to realize that we are in the way. You’re in the way. The beauty of letting God’s will be done is stepping aside and stepping up when called up. Many times, we try to orchestrate, dictate or coordinate our story and frankly, it’s not our place.
The most I can ask is that you live this life for you – according to his plan for you. I used to worry about what people would think but I realized that I am where I am, not because I did anything special but simply getting out of the way but acting on things where I was led. “You’re now an influencer” – someone said to me because of my videos. But the videos are just an extension of my writing. People will feel how they want to about whatever you do, you just have to act on what you are called to do. I hope as the year wraps up, you stay still enough to hear what you are called to do and active enough to do them.
“This is not how I expect my Ade to act”
Do you invoke courage in the people you love or fear? There are some people you meet that awaken more within you. You find yourself being “more” – wanting to give more, be more. Those people awaken courage within you. Then there are people that give you cause for pause. Not because they are bad, but sometimes they may be too good to be true. When you have unresolved trauma, you can sometimes look at the good things in your life or happening to you as bad things. Things to be cautious about. It’s not always on you.
For example, you meet someone on social media that you think is a light. You are drawn to them. But as you get to know them better, you realize that they are complex. Suddenly, they are “too friendly” “too social” and you want them to be different. Not because they have done anything wrong but because you need them to fit your mould, the one you have in your head. So your internal working model and your narrative stays the same. I invite you to challenge yourself this week and going forward. Let your actions, your kindness, your love – let them all spark courage in people. Let them want to love more because of you.
This week, I am working on –
Getting better at replying text messages. You are probably waiting on a reply from me right now tbh and I apologize. I’m a work in progress
Getting better at trusting early:- I functionally have an expectation of people hurting me (yes, we are talking about it in therapy” but I want to try to expect the best from people when I meet them. Lose guard? Nah but I’d love for the guard to not always be up. What are you working on?
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The Wordsmith, Master of Cliffhangers.
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There is something they say about meeting your heroes. I went to a high school in Nigeria owned by the Redeemed Christian Church of God where my parents were Pastors. I liked my experience at the school and at the time Pastor Adeboye was a hero to me. Over the years, I continue to appreciate his standing and his impact in the lives of Nigerians, Africans and Christians worldwide but I most certainly cannot say that he is still a hero for me. I have met him up close a couple of times – I am pretty sure he doesn’t remember. He has met millions of people over his long life.
In a few weeks, he’s coming to my neck of the woods. All the churches in the area have suggested people to build out a mass choir and my name was mentioned. For my efforts and my abilities, I assumed or expected to be one of the leads. Somehow I was not selected as a lead but as a backup(I don’t think our choir mummy likes me but subject for another day) I immediately got in my feelings – especially because both of the rehearsals are almost two hours away. I was very annoyed. But I met this amazing soul a few months ago and they thought me the power of reframing. Frankly, I think they reframe a little too much but I truly appreciated their perspective on trying to see the positives in things. I started considering the simple fact that, truth be told, it’s possible that I may not have been selected at all.
The reframe gave me a reason to be grateful for my talent period. But also be grateful to be called. I can sometimes struggle to reframe into the positive and it’s something I am working on but I wanted to share with you all. There will be a lot of times where the world tries to knock you down but being able to stop and reframe might be one step out of navigating through a difficult situation. And funny enough, I am currently now in line to lead one of the main songs because the other guy chosen can’t make it. Look at God – I’ll report back to see if I actually end up leading.
Do you have any phobias? I really HATE cats but I also hate raccoons. I was rushing out of the car to avoid raccoons and cracked top of cologne bottle. It fell and I broke it. So it got me thinking – what things out there are you all afraid off? Please share in the comments below.
See you all next Wednesday. Please share this piece with your friends and family and on social media – Twitter, IG, Snapchat and so on. Thanks!
The Wordsmith, Master of Cliffhangers.
Please comment, retweet and share. Thank you for your continued support. You are highly appreciated.
