Undercover Player 4
My “true love” (Anna)
My long distance friend (Farah)
My crazy one (Jessica)
My actual woman (Sarah)
My weekend girl (Zoe)
I had spent a full 28 hours in cell. I was released after my mother spoke to the officers. It was dead silent on the car ride home. We both said nothing to each other. I spent the night at my parent’s home. No one said anything to me.
Very early the next morning, my parents woke me up and called me into their room. There I was attacked. My mother called me a let down and a disgrace to the family name and to her legacy. My father said he was disappointed beyond words. I was fuming inside as they both felt justified to attack me and then I snapped.
At the top of my lungs I began to yell. Spilling every single detail about how I was molested by my father’s stepsister living with us at the time and then years later my cousin. I was angry. I accused them of being failures as parents and for being too busy with the things of the world to focus on the emotional safety of their children. They were both stunned. My mother was in tears even before I was done. I stormed out of the room and into mine. Packed up my things and proceeded to leave. I was angry and I couldn’t concentrate.
When I reached my house, the first thing I went for was the bottle of alcohol. Two quick glasses and my nerves began to calm a bit. My mind was racing. I called Farah and she didn’t answer. She was on vacation to Portugal and Bangkok. I was so angry. I picked up my phone that I had just thrown on my bed and called Jessica. Even with the “Peaceful Order” issued by the court, I needed to talk to her. Face to face.
I was already drunk by the time she came over. Jack and I were halfway in our conversation. My breath wreaked alcohol and I was tipsy. We didn’t even talk when she walked in.
I have to admit; I think I was a bit aggressive. I pushed her up against the wall and spread her legs. Pinning her face and breasts on the wall, I slid my hand up her skirt from behind. Using my thumb, I shifted her panties out of the way and I began to massage her clit. The moans ensued. I pulled her freshly braided hair to the side and began planting kisses all down her neck. She didn’t try to move. There was something in the way my body was working hers; I was going to send a clear message. I started biting her neck as I went along and the moans got louder. My right hand was still working her clit; harder and faster now. I could feel her juices on my fingers as she got wetter and wetter. She was all mine! I got on my knees and kissed her ass cheeks before sticking my strong wet tongue into her. She let out this gasp and began scratching the wall as if she wanted to hold onto something. I could feel her get drenched as it flowed onto my tongue and my chin. I was now the one making most of the noise. The kind of slobbering sounds you hear when you’re hurriedly trying to finish a rapidly melting Popsicle. Every drop of her was going to be mine.
I was so angry. Still angry for all that she put me through. All I had asked of her was the respect she would have wanted any woman to give her if she was in her shoes. Since she didn’t want to play along, I was going to take out my aggression on her. I turned her around. Still on my knees, I looked up at her as I went in towards her clit again. This time I was nibbling. Her eyes rolled back, she let out the sigh of resignation knowing that all she was going to get was more pleasure and there was no chance that I was letting her go. She was stuck. Stuck on a high. My front two teeth enlisted my tongue as support as they owned her pink lips and it’s cohorts. She was now moaning louder and grabbing onto my head in attempt to push me off her. She almost snapped my neck off, so I stood up and walked over to my closest. I opened one of the drawers and pulled out the two sets of handcuffs. I had this evil smile on my face as I walked back to her. I moved her to my reading table. This was no movie shit. I didn’t clear the table. I sat her on it. Her bare ass cheeks on all my documents. I wanted her to spray all her juices on my papers. I wasn’t going to stop there though. I cuffed one around her left wrist and clicked it. She asked with a concerned but excited look;
“Zane, what are you doing?”
I clicked the second arm and cuffed her to the book cabinet next to my reading desk.
Hands hanging mid air, her pussy stared me in the face and the look of excitement had turned to hesitation. She seemed fearful for what was about to happen. I was ready to give her all of it. I pulled my reading chair up and sat down. Digging in I lapped up every drop as it flowed out of her. Some of the obscene things she said, I had never heard before from anyone. I was covered in all of her as practically my entire face was soaking with her juices. I stood up and positioned my rock hard dick at the surface of her pink, ready to go! I teased her rubbing it on her lower lips without pressing in. She moaned as if to ask me to go in already. Eventually I did; slowly. She moaned and clenched her fists. That was the best she could do. I put up her legs on my shoulders as I began the stroking motion. In and out, I maintained eye contact watching her face change as I went from one level to the next. The pace picked up. I was thrusting harder, deeper and faster!
“Zane, slow down! You’re going to hurt me!!” she begged.
I smiled and continued to pump. “Hurt” her was exactly what I wanted to do. I got angry that she tried to have me stop. I dropped her legs and leaned in, placing both hands around her neck. I pulled her in and looked at her. I knew I was about to explode but I wanted every thrust to count more than the last. I wanted her to feel every inch of me, every vein. Smearing all her juices on my hard member, I could not hold it any longer.
“Tell me who owns it” I barked at her,
“You, you… youuuu!” she moaned.
“Yes!” I responded knowing fully well I only had a few thrusts left in me. I squeezed her neck. Slightly choking her as I pumped a few more times and then I pulled out… All over her stomach I squirted every drop. My aim was not the best as some of my seed spilled onto the table. I slumped into the chair. I could feel my sweaty back begin to stick to the leather seat. She was trying to catch her breath. Still cuffed, she struggled to keep her head up. I began touching the insides of her thighs. She immediately closed them up. It was super sensitive. I forced her legs apart and stuck my fingers into her. She begged me to stop. I pushed them in a bit and then pulled them up. We were both drenched in sweat. I got up and un-cuffed her hands. She didn’t even get off the table. She looked too tired. And then she asked…
“What The Heck Man? What was that for?”
“Payback” I responded. “I spent a full day in holding because of your stupidity!”
She looked at me saying, “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking properly”
“Jessica, this has to end. It has been fun but we both gotta want more” I continued.
She stared at me then mumbled
“I understand and I’m sorry again” as she closed the bathroom door.
I swear in a million years, I could not even expect that conversation to have gone that way. I was just thankful that this chapter was closed for good. At least that’s what I thought.
. . . . .
Even though the case had been dropped after Jessica withdrew her statement at the station claiming that she’d “overreacted”, I still couldn’t focus. Something was missing in my life. I wasn’t able to concentrate on work or anything. I knew I needed to get away. I kept thinking of where I could go. All I needed was a change of scenery.
In all my thinking, I remembered that Anna had left me to basically rot in the cell. I wanted answers. The next day a flight was booked. I was going to talk to her face to face and find out what truly happened. I arrived in the heat at about 2pm. A thirty-minute cab ride and I was at her apartment. Still in graduate school, I know Anna did not have class at that time. I waited till a car went through the automated gates and walked into the apartment complex. I arrived at her door and knocked. I heard movement and then she looked through the peep-hole. With a look of confusion and surprise she opened the door. The look on her face said… you guessed right, “What The Heck Man.” I smiled and walked in. Pleasantries aside, I asked her about what had happened and why she acted that way when I called from the station. She didn’t answer at first then she went on to say,
“I didn’t want to continue the cycle. You wouldn’t be with me but you wanted everything from a relationship. No Zane. No.”
I understood her perfectly, I was selfish. I wanted all her support and love but I was not willing to get over my issues and trust her fully and just be with her. Sigh.
We talked for hours and then she made dinner. Brown rice, stew with smoked turkey and boiled plantains. Anna and I had a connection, I knew she loved me and vice versa. She was just frustrated. She wanted to be there for me through everything but I had to understand how it looked to be with her for that long and not officially enter a relationship. It must have been difficult to comprehend. I just wanted her to know that I was trying to figure me out before I joined me with someone else again.
She was cuddled up next to me when the conversation drifted towards the Jacuzzi and I suggested that we hop into it. A few minutes later swimwear clad, we walked to the Jacuzzi area. It was off. We snooped around until she found the switch and turned it on. It got hot pretty fast. We stepped in and began to talk. She was sitting on my lap as we began to reminisce on memories and on how far we had come together. From memories of our struggle to sex stories, we covered it all. Intimately as we shared that Jacuzzi together, I could feel it get hotter. I wanted her and I knew what she wanted me too. She began stroking my hardening shaft. She turned around and looked at me. Without saying a word she pushed her panties aside and slid my package inside her. It was hot. My balls were feeling the heat bubbles of the water boiling underneath them as my dick held full strength position in her as she worked her waist on it. I was holding her waist and kissing her passionately. This woman had all of me. The way her body was in sync with mine. I ran my hand over her tattooed thigh and squeezed her tighter. It was slow. It was controlled. She did not leave that position or lose control. Up and down she worked me until I was ready to give it all to her. She dictated the pace. Now I wanted to cum but I definitely wasn’t going to do that in the water. I lifted her up and put her on all fours right beside the Jacuzzi. I returned my dick back into her dripping pussy as I held her waist. I controlled the motion making sure that my dick was hitting every corner of her pussy. Discovering new reaches, she grabbed the edge of the Jacuzzi while looking back at me with those wanting eyes pleading with me to go in a little deeper. My balls were slamming against her clit as the passion was soaring out the roof. I took a handful of her hair in my hand, pulling her towards me; each thrust seemed to be a statement as our bodies moved in sync. She was moaning uncontrollably as I neared my climax. We slumped next to each other as I spurted out every drop from inside me on the floor. Naked, we curled next to each other as we stared into the sky. I was beyond confused on what to now do.
I would leave two days later after amazing talks, reconnecting and amazing sex. We even shared a run around the lake down the street from her house. We rediscovered what it felt like to love each other. I was on a high even with the sadness that came with leaving her. I hugged her tightly until the airport staff asked her to move her car. Reluctantly, we let go and she promised to make the next trip down. I had just made it through security when I received a call from my dad. I answered,
“How are you, son?” he said,
“Fine sir…You?” I responded.
“Not great. We haven’t seen your mother for 4 days and she hasn’t contacted anyone. Have you heard from her? We are all worried” he said anxiously.
“Fuck” I cursed under my breath…
“No sir, I’ll call her and get back to you” I said as I ended the call.
I was worried now. Confused. Had my confrontation driven her over the edge? What have I done? Fuck!
“The number you have dialed is unavailable. Please leave a message…”
This was probably the 12th time I had called and my mother was still not answering. Now I was beginning to panic. She had never done something like this before. She had been really distant since the day I got out of jail. I called Sarah and she didn’t answer either. I left her a message asking her to call me. I hopped into my car at the airport parking and continued to try calling her. Nothing.
I was about 15 minutes from home when I received a series of text messages from Sarah. They were screenshots of messages between her and Jessica. I was stunned. I pulled over to the side of the road. I was confused and angry. What had Jessica done? Why? I thought things had ended the best way possible. Wow…You can never trust these women. Never!
I was torn. Do I keep calling my mother or Sarah? I was trying Sarah; I needed to explain things to her. I needed to explain that I ended it all with Jessica so I could focus on trying to build something with her. Sarah!!!
It had been an hour and I was still sitting on the side of the road in my car when I got a Twitter notification. I had been tagged in a photo. Shortly, more notifications of photos flooded my phone. Jessica was posting pictures of our conversations on the Internet. My heart froze. I was scrolling through them all and then a call from Jessica came through.
“Jessica, what are you doing?!” I yelled at the top of my lungs.
She only said one phrase…
“I only just started with you!”
I literally think I peed on myself. I immediately began thinking of super private things I had shared with her like naked pictures, recordings and more. Even though I had the same of her, in this game, the first to call one out usually has the upper hand and Jessica really didn’t care if her naked pictures showed up on the Internet. She was that type of crazy.
I was losing it. I couldn’t take it all. There was so much blood rushing to my head. I was going crazy and then I turned over to my passenger seat. My prescription pills sat there; Amoxicillin and 800mg of Ibuprofen, twenty-one pills each. I picked the bag and decided to end it all. End all the pain. I think I was just over it all. I’m not exactly sure what I was thinking to be honest.
I opened the door and sat outside the car. I looked at the pills in my left hand and my cell phone in my right. I called my mother one last time and said
“I never meant to bring you pain. I’m sorry… I hope you someday forgive me.”
I left the same message for Sarah and I laid the phone down to my left side and popped the pills. Almost all of them at one go. I sat there for a few minutes looking at the trees and listening to the birds chirp and then it got really dark. I was headed to a familiar place.
. . . . .
Someone calling my name woke me.
“Zane, Zane honey. It’s mummy”
I slowly opened my eyes and there was my mother, holding my right hand. She was speaking to me slowly but I couldn’t exactly make out what she was saying. The doctors walked in a few minutes later and explained to a more awaken me that I had attempted to overdose and commit suicide. I put my head down as I was filled with regret for that decision. My mother was rubbing my hand saying it was okay, continuously thanking God for sparing my life and for the person that had spotted me lying on the side of the road. I was somewhat grateful for being alive. The doctor told me that my heart had stopped for a while and it was a miracle that I was still alive. My mother put her hands up and thanked God again. I was weak.
The doctor had left and that’s when I realized that my left hand was cuffed to the bed. I asked my mother why and how long I’d been there for. She said it had something to do with a psychiatric emergency hold for 72hrs. Apparently I’d already been there a day and half! She mentioned that I could possibly leave after a psychiatrist evaluated me. She began talking to me about how she loved me and was sorry she had not there for me.
Sarah, Anna, Jessica, Farah and Zoe all did not seem to matter. My mother, with the strongest form of love in the planet was there for me. And I could not be more grateful. I glanced back into the room from my long gaze out into the sunny hills and looked the psychiatrist in the face.
“That was how it all happened…” I said
I looked up at the clock and then back at the psychiatrist. My time in this session was almost up. I had one every week for the past six months.
He continued jotting down in his notepad. This was my fourth evaluation in the past 3 months at this psych hospital. That meeting with my mother was 6 months ago. They have not let me out ever since. Apparently, I have not been fit to go back into the society as I have been ruled a danger to myself. If you’re reading this, I’m obviously still in here and hoping you find this story interesting enough to publish. I am so alone in here and I have not had a single visit from anyone who once claimed to love me. Abilify and Prozac are my prescribed meds for my depression. I think the cure lies in the hands of the women I gave my heart to but here I am, all alone. Dressed in all white but completely dark on the inside.
My name is Zane and I really think I lost this game.
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