Fiction

The Dumb Writer

#JusticeForToyin

I often get criticized by some of my friends that I don’t “talk enough” or readily/easily “open up”.
It bothers me and frankly, I don’t even know when it started.
On one hand, I think I picked it up late in high school when I noticed that I was talking too much and sometimes finding myself in a lie.
Not the blatant ones, but an embellishment here or extra jara there; it was starting to trouble my spirit.
So I turned it down.
On the other hand, it could’ve been growing up with a mom that believes that your best friends are your parents and siblings. I just always kept things within.
Frankly, it doesn’t matter.
One reason it actually bothers me is, the uncertainty of what would happen if I start falling in love with someone and I am unable to truly express myself – like my deepest, darkest, scariest, and most awkward feelings.
I don’t know to be honest, I don’t know.
I pray I can work through it.

This post today may seem scattered, or not.
You may see yourself in my words, or not. Hell, you may even be here just to be an alabosi, but it’s all good.
Today, I started a walking challenge. I had planned to walk about 2.5 miles or so but I ended up walking 4 miles.
It felt great to start the morning outside and just walk.
One thing I realized that COVID19 took away from me is my morning routine.
I used to wake up around 6:45am-7:00am, hit the gym, shower there and then take the ferry to work in San Francisco.
While working out, I would listen to tons of gospel music, pray and commit the day and my loved ones to God.

Now, I am awake at odd times. Consumed by weird things like joblessness, trying to not be depressed, sex, masturbation, staying creative, trying not to be fat and so much more.
That morning routine is gone.
And who knows if I’ll ever get it back. I hope so (Alameda county, please open the gyms back up).

Back to my walk today; as I walked, I started listening to praise and worship.
See my gospel playlist here and the lineup of today, here.
I have a friend that strongly believes that God has a calling for me in the music ministry. Maybe He does, I don’t know or maybe I know and I am trying to ignore it.
IDK.
But every so often, they will say “Sanmi just submit and let God use you o. He will use you well o.”
I have a weird relationship with that type of service with God.
My parents have been pastors for most of my life; noble jobs but they come with tremendous pressure and dedication – things I am not sure I am ready for yet.
However, I know He uses me, no doubt.
If you are ever wondering, just peep me leading praise and worship like in the video below.
I legit turn into someone else.

I have always envied people with beautiful voices. Like those that you know God straight made them to sing.
See Mali Music, Jonathan McReynolds, Dunsin Oyekan, Tope Alabi – once you hear their voices, you feel “connected” to the heavens.
I don’t think I have the best voice. Matter of fact, listening to those people, I think I suck.
Yet somehow, God uses this voice and what he has put in me, to bless people.
And I thank Him for it.

Anyway, as I was walking, a few things consumed my heart and I started crying.
I have a very unique relationship with praise and worship.
Especially when I am “alone” with God. Here I was walking down the barely awakened neighborhood, in my noise cancelling headphones, singing melodies to God while trying not to get run over because I couldn’t hear anything outside the music.

Depression.
The pressure of being with the right person.
Being jobless.
My right knee still not being healed.
Being out of a job that cost me my insurance, that cost me rehab of the knee I wanted to get right by this summer.
Praying for a friend who lost a family member to COVID and an aunty who underwent major surgery.
Praying for my siblings, parents, friends and acquaintances.
Missing praise and worship in the actual church.

O V E R W H E L M E D

Tears as people walked their dogs, ran and walked past me.
But I felt safe there.
Now all the things I just wrote, some would read and say “why didn’t you tell me”.
It’s the reason I titled this “The Dumb Writer”.
Once I sit on the toilet or in the bathtub or in the car or by the water, the words come.
In private, I go dumb.

Today, as I got about halfway through the workout, the song “Man of Your Word” by Chandler Moore & KJ Scriven for Maverick City Music came on.
That song had been speaking to me for a short minute but never like today.
The part that stands out first is the chorus where they say

[Verse 1: Chandler Moore]
All things are possible
When we believe
Old chains are breakable
When we receive
Yahweh
You keep Your promises

[Chorus: Chandler Moore]
If You said it, we believe it
If You said it, hey!
If You said it, we believe it
If You said it, we believe it
‘Cause You’re a man of Your word
If You said it, we believe it
If You said it, we believe it
You’re a man of Your word

Then later it says

[Bridge: Chandler Moore]
We have this confidence
You’ll finish what You started
God, You have never failed
You won’t start with me
You’re present in every step
Patient in every heartache
God, You have never failed
You won’t start with me

The second part is just as powerful as the first.
It is a confirmation that God is great, never fails and fam, He won’t start failing on top my own matter.
N O P E.
You should have seen me jamming to that part of the song. If you follow me on Instagram, you would have noticed me just jamming in my story.

I loved the reassurance gently tucked in the song.
It is a bop that I know you’ll add to your gospel playlist and damn, it sure makes you feel comfort.
In these times, we need so much of that.
There is a lot that is uncertain in many facets of our lives and it is truly refreshing to know that He got us.
There is so much I can say about the confidence, I am not sure where or how to start but man I love being in that lonely room with the One that knows what I want to say before I say it.

So to my best friends, confidants and gbeborunssssss, I am sorry that I don’t always have the words.
I promise it is not because I love you less.
But trust me when I say my heart speaks. Loud and in many tones.
And these words you read here are true to my every bone.
So, thank you for listening here and feel free to “speak” back if you see me.

Oh, one thing I forgot to mention is how scary the world is today.
I really considered not going for that walk today because black men die doing the randomest things.
As I was walking today,
I was so lost in the music that I turned around suddenly and there was a cop on a bike.
I freaked out.
He caught it and put his hand out to show he wasn’t a threat but damn, it took me a minute to regroup.
We are not S A F E.
And it is scary AF.

All in all, here are my Words Of Wednesday,.
My apologies for missing the post last Wednesday.
I hope you felt something reading this today and I promise, you will feel something reading Bastards 3 this Saturday.
I promise you that, so brace yourself.
Haven’t read my current series – BASTARDS?
Start here

Till very soon y’all,

Stay Up, Stay Safe & Stay Strong.
I LOVE YOU!

Yours always,

The Wordsmith
Master of Cliffhangers

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WordsOfWednesday

© 2020 #WhatTheHeckMan

2 thoughts on “The Dumb Writer

  1. I always admire, how you truly express how you feel through your words. Understanding now this is how you process your thoughts and get your words out, so learning to appreciate that and wait until you are ready to speak.

    Like

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