Pills, Pain & Depression

As I write this, I am standing and leaning on my standing desk at the office.
My right leg is folded and on my desk chair behind me.
This morning, it was hard to get out of bed as it sometimes has been for many days in the past 3 years.

On August 12, it will mark 3 years since I tore my ACL playing football.
It was a non-contact injury. I overstretched for a pass and I heard it pop and crack. Everyone told me to get up and stop being dramatic and put ice on it.
I did that for a few weeks before getting an MRI – blown meniscus on both sides and a torn ACL.
3 surgeries later, the pain is still very familiar as is the sinking feeling in my stomach every single time I think of playing again.
I love(d) playing, competing and just being amongst other men.

I remember I would save up all my aggression and road rage until I was ready to go and play on Saturday mornings. I would yell at people, pick fights and just let loose.
And for 3 years now, that outlet has not been there.
Thinking back to who I was before the injury and who I am now, one thing is clear, I’ve changed.
I was a bit more social, although I felt like that side of me was fading.
I was going out less and trying to focus more on honing the man I wanted to be. Now, it is almost impossible to get me out of bed, even to go and get my check daily.

Many mornings, I wake up before my alarm and lay there. There is a warm sensation in my right shin and my knee is always sore.
I am used to popping pills – only pain pills. I have had people recommend CBD oils and marijuana for pain management but mehhhh.
I don’t like myself and not because I love myself any less but not many people know what it feels like to not feel whole.
To not feel complete.
Body parts are complete but not functioning right and it is incredibly hard to explain to anyone.
So yes, you start to want to take less care of yourself. I remember one evening, I was in so much pain I cried and then I punched my knee for 3 minutes.
It obviously swole like Agege bread in water but I didn’t care.
I was angry and depressed.

For years, I battled suicidal ideation and depression on many fronts. Like knowing the things that triggered me and how best to avoid them.
But how do you avoid your own body?
Knowing that you are basically the one keeping the door open.
Somedays, it is the quickest mood switch and it makes it hard on the people that love you.
Yesterday, for example, I was talking to someone I truly enjoy talking to but I was in so much pain that I immediately got into a sour mood.
I didn’t want to speak or be spoken too.
That is who I am now but it is not who I am and that itself depresses me further.

Somedays, the pills work. Therapy works. Love works. Prayer works.
And then it doesn’t.
Then I am left with my thoughts and tears.
And when I smile, people think I am happy. People invite me to things and some have even stopped inviting me because everything feels like a chore.
Taking the trash out, driving to the airport or practice or simply giving a fuck.
I know I don’t want to be this person or live my life in pain and surrounded by pills.

There is not much you can do.
Say a prayer if you can.
But I know there are many like me out there. Smiling but hurting.
Beautiful smiles like mine (been told) but broken “bones”.
Remember to go that extra mile to check on people, even the ones that promise you they are fine.
Behind the smiles, the truth lies and the truth they say hurts but this pain, this one hurts more.

Thanks for reading as always!

Thank you for commenting. Here is to a fun 2019!
You are highly appreciated.