This Man

The Truth

I am The Wordsmith and this is. #WordsOfWednesday

I’m sitting in my car and I’m just thinking

“Man!!!”

How did I get here???

I’m just going to continue writing 

This is what I know how to do best

This is not a poem

This is not a blurb

These are my realest thoughts

The ones that I often want to share with no one

……

I was privileged to read the other day

A new book that drifted my way

From class

It opened my eyes and took me back to the start

The way it was back then

Often times I use mental health as an excuse 

But on the real

The tears in my eyes have come from years of abuse

…….

Never underestimate the power you hold over a growing heart

My cousins and their neighbors

Contributed to the a huge dent in self esteem 

There I was handsome on many accounts

But shallow within

I found myself grasping for fake and empty gratifications

Trying to tell myself that I am truly worth it

But not believing it

I was laughed at cos all I listened to was Yoruba music

While my cousins in Lagos quoted rhymes from the West Coast District

……

Advantage them

In my own home I would become a slave that had to serve

To get love

But I could tell no one

Now I’m in tears

My parents should know the truth

But I can’t even tell what’s true

That I truly hate myself or that I should no longer be a victim to the pains from my youth 

…….

Bullied

By men who want to come on Twitter and claim

That it was all bants

But I remember those late nights 

Where I was so terrified, my balls deserted my pants 

You held me up to beat me

But in that act

You continued to bury me

My confidence and hope

You took away from me

Now you want to come and retweet me

And I can’t cry about it

Because today

We only sacrifice the victim

……

She was great

In every single way

We got fat together

But it was safe

We thought our hearts would never break

But life came in the form of a mother

And I ran like a coward

I didn’t know better

I didn’t know to fight for what was right

No

I ran

Filled her eyes with tears

And scarred her heart 

…….

Three years on

I wonder 

Sleepless nights 

Heart filled with bother

I can’t love another

Continuously

I ask myself 

If I will ever be ready to love

But how can I love you when I don’t love myself

I hate myself

I hate that you love me

Crippled by the fears that I will fail you

Like my father did me

……..

In my twenties

I’m learning lessons I should have learned early

I want to thank you for loving me

I want to appreciate you for sticking with me

But everyone that have loved me has always wanted something from me

So what do you want from me?

You want to own me

Make me yours

Your own trophy?

This is me

Scarred

Broken

Hopeful

Scared

Unable to appreciate you

Unable to appreciate love

The familiar comfort is the tears streaming down my face

I am going to have a headache

But in my bed 

Alone

I will feel safe

My head throbbing in my own space

…….

I don’t want to love you

Because I feel I will hurt you

Again

Like I did yesterday

When I promised I would call you back

But I couldn’t bring myself to dial again

I stared at the phone

My brain going insane

My heart knowing that if you left

I will never be the same

But all I have ever known is pain

From the first day she said do it my way

To when they told me to shut up and not cry again

I always say

No one can ever quantify my pain

But the truth is 

Our scars are not the same

……

In my suits 

I exude class and swag

But behind me is a huge bag

Field with my rags of emotions

The tatters I have come to love

The ones I really see myself in

The women want to love me

But I don’t want you to love

I just want to love me

The only time I feel happy is when I pray

But sometimes I feel like I fall away from him each day

I need his light

Brighter to see the way

But what can I say

I might have been doing it blindly my own way

……..

I am not a victim

I am story

Untold

So it’s burning within me

I am a survivor

A hopeful

A generation

But I’m bleeding

I want to get help

But people need me

Or so I think

I externalize

I love far away

So you can’t come into my heart and see me when I’m about to break

I don’t have the answers

But nobody is asking the right questions

I am lost

Within myself

And I paid a blind woman to lead me to the hope 

But she left because she couldn’t cope

You have never hurt me

But I can’t believe that I won’t hurt you

And that haunts me

My love for you is real

My love for me is real

But I don’t know where it is

Or how it feels

That’s how’s it’s always been

The spotlight gets shined on me

And I freeze

……..

This is me talking

From my heart 

About the issues that have plagued me 

Arrested me

Owned me

Suppressed me

Defined me

I want to do right 

But I don’t want to at the same time

The price of love

True love holds more value than gold

It can turn a soul

And it gives life to the old 

In all of this

I want to thank you for loving me

What is that you asked

Can i love you?

Sigh

All I can say is 

Hopefully

And that is the truth really

It was the truth I was looking for when I started to write actually

I am Sanmi and this is the story.

Often times I just need space

Time away from the stimuli 

Moments to think

The process of believing loved can bring stress 

Even if loving is not stress itself

Everyone seems to want something from me

Even those that say they don’t want anything

Today I just wrote

Today I have cried.

Today I went into the archives

And I wondered why I hate me so much

I thought I loved me

But I realized that I never truly applied love to me

True love to myself, true love of myself

I have asked myself why I entertain certain people.

Women to be specific.

I know they can’t love me the way I need to be loved

But I still allow them to stay close by. There are people who want me as a trophy. To say, I got him.

And there are some that genuinely love me but none of them can have me.

I am not ready.

I wake up hating me.

Hating life.

Needing to see your comments to fee alive.

I beg for your time, so I don’t drown in mine.

I am scared that I will miss out on real love. It’s staring me in the face but I swear I’m trying.

Trying to live and love again but it’s hard.

I don’t think I’m lovable.

There are those that want me for sex. Expressly said

And those that want me just so I can be their personal projects while they nurse me to health.

And I don’t even want myself. But there is also you, you helped nurse me back to health. Even though I hurt you in the first Place.

The power of the love you have for me sometimes scares me like what if I can never give back enough.

Ladies & Gentlemen, I am not entirely sure why I wrote this and why I am posting this.

But maybe you picked something you could relate to. Something that touched you.

I know it’s #WordsOfWednesday and you all look forward to reading something dope but this is me today. 

The true words from my heart

I am confident love is real because God is real.

But I don’t know how to feel.

The Truth is from the heart. 

My tears were from the heart.

My pain tore me apart

But I stand once more

Ready to play my part

Appreciating love will not be easy but I am open and actively trying.

Today, I’ve written because my heart said so. Today, I hope you find a way to speak to your truth.

I am The Wordsmith but these words are emotions. 

I love you all.

Thank you for loving me, even as I learn to love me more.

Comment if you would like to.