Painkillers

Painkillers

 

It all started from me wanting to be your painkiller

Now you’ve got me over dosing on painkillers

The wounds you gave me cut deeper

Fuck it I think I might need a spiritual healer

You came into my heart with promise

You told me you would be different

But here I am

Getting drunk again

Trying to make memories of you

Distant

 

….

We were supposed to be great

It was the plan to dominate

But you never took the time

To appreciate

Me

You drove me to the point where I had to investigate

You started to come home late

We barely ate

Together

Slowly I drifted away

Telling myself

Why bother

 ….

 

No humble pie

Just pride

Like a hardened criminal

You ignored when I would cry

Telling me to stop

Forcing me to appreciate the shoes that you bought

You forgot me

The promises you made me

My heart was aching

Slowly I could feel it breaking

And it was you

This time it was you doing the orchestrating

 

….

Two steps apart

I initially waited for the walk sign

Then ignored the blinking warnings

Straight into moving traffic

I moved my life from static

I placed a bet on my happiness

I was tired of mediocre

Frustrated with all the sadness

I needed to be cared for

Loved and adored

But waiting for you to wake up

That was a luxury I couldn’t afford

….

 

It’s been

I’m not exactly sure how long it’s been

The mailman just left

And he reminded me of you

The way you initially were consistent

Showing up as your promised

You held me close

With a hot wet towel

You washed my wounds

Your sweet words helped me heal

Then you got bored

Drifted away from me

I could feel it

All the sadness that you were blind to see

Returned and consumed me

….

 

I became weak again

Now I can no longer feel

Yet I still think of you

You broke your promises

But holding on to you

I’m like a hoarder who can’t get rid of things

I so desperately wished you were the one

But with each rising sun

I realize that the strength in me

Should rely on no one

I’ll get it right

But for now

One more sip

One more drink

I need to wash down the pill

It’s hard to think

The pain my heart feels is real

 

 

You know that feeling you get when you start to recognize how much of a foothold they have in your life. You become drawn to them.
All you want to do is hear their voice, see their face, tell them your worries and fears, share your day and then you start to remember. Not again.
You remember the last time you felt like this and the pain that came through.

You remember how it felt so different trying to address life.
Hurting and hating, you never wanted to show vulnerability again. Then you build up your walls and continue to scar yourself in the process and eventually, the wall is up. You settle behind it to lick your wounds and fortify yourself but soon enough, someone else finds you.
She’s a bit more patient than your last, more prayerful too. He’s more communicative and passionate.

And they have come in, wanting to be your painkillers. But you’re scared, terrified that you’d feel it all again. All that unbearable pain, those tears, the anxiety.

Today, my #WordsOfWednesday are not that hard to understand. My message is one I got from a friend “Guard Your Heart”.

You deserve pure love and happiness and honesty and respect. Anyone who comes into your life should give that and if not, let them know and if not changes, let them go.
Often times, we try to self medicate alongside being repeatedly hurt by someone close to us. It is unhealthy.

But that doesn’t mean completely shut yourself off from being loved or cared for. There are some “good” people out there with good hearts that want to take care of you and you should let them. At least try.
But remember even when you go to the doctor and they prescribe you meds, they often come with side effects.
The new person(s) will not be perfect, they might hurt you in a new way too but always remember that a surgical procedure that failed will not be repeated. People that hurt you that havent changed, should never be allowed back in. Guard your heart.

If someone comes into your life and they want to help you heal, if you are ready or think you’re ready, give them a chance.
But if the pain returns or is unbearable, listen to the words of the tv commercial

“If symptoms persist, flush them down the toilet” – The Wordsmith.

You are somebody’s drug. Someone’s painkiller. Are you healing or inflicting more pain?

 

I apologize for slacking on #WordsOfWednesday but take my word, I am back. Another round of “Behind The Writer” is in motion and will be rolled out during the weekend with Pains 3.
Get excited and the Rants are available too. Download and share!

 

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