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The One That Never Comes by Asa
I can feel the wind in my hair.
It’s really amazing the things you can see from up here. The lights, the cars, the homeless people and these bars that I cling on to.
I can feel the chill on my skin and the goosebumps that come from within. I have my arms stretched out wide, they feel like wings. From up here, I feel like I can soar above all my troubles and straight into my dreams.
I had those once, I really did. Dreams.
They gave me a purpose, something to dig deep within and fight for my shot at the table.
Those lofty dreams made me want to fight everyday to say that I am able but all the things life threw at me have made me unstable.
That is at least what the reports will say when they find me here.
I couldn’t fathom getting to this point but I guess I always knew that my hopes at a successful life were truly dead before I was fed through a tube in my mother’s womb.
I have seen life, I tell you I have and even at 22 I can count the amount of times I have truly smiled from my heart.
You might be wondering why I am talking to you like this. Like there is absolutely no hope or no better plan to exist.
So let me tell you my story while walking you through my last 72 hours.
Maybe then, you would understand a bit more.
This road has been really tough but I gave it my all.
My name is Jade and I’m about to jump to my death.
. . . . . .
I could feel the sweat trickle down my chest and between my breasts. Bouncing up and down I placed my hands on his chest. I controlled the pace as my fingers, sweaty and sticky rubbed all over his face.
He had both his hands on my butt. He was clutching them so tight because he didn’t want to cum but I was soaking wet and I knew he wouldn’t be able to contain himself.
I moved his hands off my butt and placed them on his sides. I placed my hands on his chest, dug my fingers deep into his skin and I was sure the sweat found its way into the openings. Sending the right amount of pain through his body, I turned my head backwards and began to ride him like a race horse. He had his mouth wide open but no words came out. He was desperately trying to avoid busting that nut.
I looked down at him and continued my pace and did not let up.
Then his pelvis area locked up. He clutched the sheets and began to cum. His silence turned to grunts as he splashed his warm seed into the condom. He was panting for air as I slowly got off him and laid in the bed next to him. His member went limp. It was respectable but not enough to drive me off the brink. Or have my pussy dripping to the point where I couldn’t think. It did an “okay” job and that was mostly enough.
He slowly got up and walked to the bathroom. He snapped off the condom and I heard him flush it down the toilet. He didn’t trust me.
He didn’t trust anyone.
He especially didn’t trust any woman.
My regular on Friday’s he was consistent. That was how he built his multi-million empire.
Well, his ex empire. He built it from the ground up back in Connecticut almost twenty years ago straight out of college. He and his partner made millions from growing and exporting apples for hard ciders.
It was finalized two years ago that his wife took half of his share of the company in their divorce but more depressingly, she decided she wanted to share it with his business partner.
He was forced out of his own company taking only a quarter of all he built.
Those were the kinds of stories I heard around here. Well in between all the noise and all the sex.
He climbed back into the bed and put his hands around me as my back felt the pointy strands of hair poking into my soft skin.
Spooning for a minute, he then said in his deep and attractive voice,
“I’m ready to go again”
“Have you put it on?”
Referring to the condom and he said yes.
I moved back a little closer into him and lifted up my right leg to make his entry easier. He began to slide in and out doing what he wanted. He held my waist as he continued to thrust and I clutched the sheets. It seemed like his package was harder this time and it was hitting my spot. I clutched the sheets and bit down on the pillow. In that position, each thrust felt deeper and deeper. I couldn’t find the words to moan. I just held tight and tried not to lose my mind.
That position was long but then he began to cum and that was when I finally opened my eyes. I could see the city from where I lay. The stars in the sky and there I could feel my hope slipping away, one at a time.
He took off the condom and did the same routine as the last. He got back into the room as I was half asleep and he asked,
“Are you staying?”
As I got up and began packing my things and I got dressed. He walked over to the table and placed some money next to my bag. I looked up to him and smiled. He didn’t smile back.
I picked up my stuff and gave him a hug.
“Same time next week”
I nodded and headed into the hallway. I pushed the button and the elevator cab showed up shortly. I hopped in and yawned. I was extremely sleepy. All I could think about was getting on that bus and sleeping for the hour long ride it would take to arrive at my house.
I stepped out into the street. It was cold.
The bus stop was about a quarter of a mile to my right. I began walking there in my heels while my jacket covered the rest of my body. I waited for a few minutes at the bus stop and I hoped no one would show up. Morning was coming upon us and seconds before the bus showed up, a lady with a crying baby in the stroller rolled up next to me. I was hoping they were not getting on the same bus as I was. It was Friday at 4:37am. What was this lady doing out with a kid so early?
The bus stopped in front of me and they got up. I knew they were going in the same bus now and I grumbled.
I waited until they got on and then I did. I walked right past them all the way to the back and sat down. I picked up my headphones out of my bag and placed them in my ears to drown out the sound.
The ride must have only been a few minutes in when I felt a gentle tap on my thigh. I woke up from my sleep and opened up my eyes, I looked at the lady who had a kid in her hands bouncing him up and down. She looked at me apologetically and said,
“I’m so sorry to disturb you but do you have any wipes? My baby just puked all over herself”
I reached into my purse and handed her my makeup wipes. She thanked me and began to her seat as I smiled. As she left my smile slowly vanished and the music again reached my mind.
I remembered a time when I was not the one being asked if I had any wipes but I was being cleaned up. It was one of the most horrible times I can still think of.
. . . . . .
Written In The Stars Instrumental- Original song by Ed Sheeran
“Hold still and do like this”
She modeled how she wanted me to puff out my cheeks. I looked up to my county worker as she cleaned my apple sauce off my chin. I had made a mess and spilled it all over my face and my dress.
She smiled back at me as she cleaned like it was no stress.
I was about to turn 7 that summer.
There I was sitting on the floor in the waiting room of the courthouse. The deposition was going on with the county pushing for my removal from my mother’s care.
They cited emotional and physical neglect as their reasons for wanting to put me into foster care. I obviously couldn’t understand anything that was happening at the time. I just remember the police had come to my house one night when my mom was gone. She had been gone for almost two days and I hadn’t eaten anything the whole time.
My mother was a serious heroin addict and at one time she worked as a distributor for MDMA; selling the drug popular known as “ecstasy” or more recently “Molly”.
My mother ultimately passed two days before my 16th birthday which was also around the time I started “dating”. But that is a story for later.
She had conceived me while she was homeless and living in and out of homeless shelters and car wash bathrooms. She tidied up her act a bit after I was born and the first Child and Family Services report was made by a random lady that saw my mother living behind a McDonald’s with no proper care for an infant.
When my mother died, I felt alone in the world. It felt really cold. But as you might have gathered already, I was conceived in the harshest of conditions.
The social worker returned and my mother and I got into her car. She tucked me into my car seat and walked around the car. She got into her seat and the tears immediately began to flow. The car swerved a few times as her eyes were drowning in the tears. There was sadness written across her face and there was sorrow in her heart. I couldn’t understand what was going on. So I did what she always taught me to do, ask questions.
“Mummy, are you okay?”
She glanced back and wiped her face. She sniffed a few times and then said,
“Yes baby. Mummy is just sad right now.”
I knew what it looked like to be sad but knowing why people felt that way? I still hadn’t grasped then.
“I’m sorry mummy. Everything is going to be okay. Okay?”
I tried to comfort her from my world away in the back seat. She smiled and said,
“Thank you baby”
She seemed to pull it together and she kept driving until we hit the next red light. I don’t know if it was because we had stopped but suddenly she couldn’t control herself anymore. Now she wasn’t trying to hide her tears anymore. She was heartbroken and I knew it.
She turned the corner and pulled into the driveway. She cried for a few minutes straight and I just sat there in silence. I felt something for her but I didn’t know what to say.
I believed that she must have exhausted much of her tears or just come to terms with reality that she came out of the car and removed me from the car seat. We headed into the house and I went towards looking for the remote control while she went into my room and began packing.
I just kept flicking through the channels and then about 25 minutes later she returned with a packed bag that she left by the front door. She came towards me and crouched in front of me.
She turned the television off and turned towards me placing both her hands on my cheeks and then she said the words that essentially led my life down this path.
“Jade, some people are going to come. You are going to stay with them for a while till mommy can come and get you, okay?”
I innocently asked with a confused look on my face,
“But mummy, why?”
She knew that question was coming.
She looked me dead in my eyes and said,
“Because baby, the court has things they want mummy to fix, okay?”
I truly wished she had not used those words because I spent the last few years of my life trying to “fix” myself. I have been at war with myself and never been comfortable in the woman I was. Something was always missing or something was never good enough.
I didn’t understand what she meant by the court and as I was about to inquire some more about what she meant, I heard a knock on the door.
My mother got up and walked out of the room and she returned with three people; one woman and two men. She stood behind all of them and covered her mouth as she began to sob.
One of the men picked up my bag while the lady walked up to me with the man closely behind her. I began to piece together that they were coming to take me away. I bent down and squeezed my hands together.
The lady came in front of me and just like my mother had done earlier, she crouched in front of me and said,
“Hi Jade, my name is Angela and I’m a social worker from CFS. You’re going to come with us now okay?”
I really loved the way she smiled at me as she spoke. It made me feel comfortable in believing the improbable. They were taking me away from my mother.
“Can you come with us, please?”
She said. I looked up straight at my mother without blinking once. I just stared at her like I was waiting for her super powers to kick in and she was going to jump up and save me.
But she stood there and continued to cry. I realized then that there was nothing that was going to change that moment. I was going to be taken away.
Angela, the social worker, stretched out her hands to me. I looked down at it and looked up and my mom again. Nothing.
I placed my hand in hers and I got up. We were just about walking out of the door with the man holding my bag outside the doorway and the other man behind Angela and I. I could still hear my mother sobbing behind me when I snapped out of Angela’s hand.
It seemed like the man behind us was expecting for something to happen because he immediately dropped his hands and tried to catch me. I ducked left and ran to his right barely missing his grip. With all my might, I clung onto my mother’s foot as she bent down to hug me. She held me tight. I thought she would never let go but then she did. I kept trying to cling on to her as the man pulled me off her.
I yelled in a pleading tone. Asking her to step in and save me.
“Mummy, I don’t want to go. Please don’t let them take me away!!! Please!
I promise I’ll be good and do my homework.”
I continued to yell at the top of my voice. The neighbors were now standing outside and looking on. I continued to yell and wail hoping that someone would come and stop them. Nobody came. They just looked on.
The man tried to force me into the town car and I kicked and screamed while Angela held the door open. He was strong but the emotions coursing through my veins made me stronger. I continued to fight until they put me in the car. Both men on each side of me in the back seat, I was inconsolable. I turned around and looked out the rear window. There was my mom in the driveway with our neighbor and they were consoling her. I stared on and couldn’t understand it. I wanted to yell more but I couldn’t.
The car pulled off and that was it. It would be a bit over a year before I set my eyes on my mother again. And I was never in her care again from that day going forward.
Angela turned the radio dial and stopped at a kids bop station and the song playing was a children’s rendition of “I’m Coming Home”. I was all cried out. No more tears to give the world.
I leaned to my left and onto the side of the man. He fixed my ruffled hair as my eyes batted. I was being driven to my new home; into a new world of uncertainty.
. . . . . .
I heard the brakes and then the pumps as the doors automatically opened. I was at my stop.
I got up and walked from the back of the bus and got out.
My house was about eight houses down. I began walking towards the house. It was just after 6am.
6:06am to be exact since I’m walking through a timeline.
As I got close to the house, I stopped and opened my bag. The wad of cash the man I had just left had given me was still there. I counted it.
A “respectable” $1,500 for a good nights work in uptown San Diego and I was worth every penny. The things that man had me doing all night were just ridiculous but I had a job to do and I followed through.
I counted $300 out of the money and slipped it into my socks.
I counted the rest of the money and tucked it away gently into my bag.
I continued walking towards the house as some of the students began leaving their homes to being their walks to school and catch their respective buses. I was thankful that for all my years in foster care, I continued to go to school and I successfully made it to college. I tapped my pocket and pulled out the key. Opening the door, I let myself in. My foster brother Brian was just walking down the stairs. He was in his usual grumpy mood as he walked passed me without even raising a brow. Out the door he went and into the kitchen I did. I placed my backpack on the kitchen table and opened the fridge.
I grabbed my cup off the dish rack and rinsed it. I must have not heard anything while the water was on because I turned around and there she was.
“Good morning Ms Lecia”
I said as I placed my cup on the table
“Jade, how are you?”
I gulped the last of the rest of the orange juice and placed it down on the table.
“ I’m okay Ms Lecia”
“How was the night?”
She asked as she sat at the kitchen table. I reached into my bag and pulled out the money and handed it to her. She smiled and she counted,
“You did well last night. Well done”
I smiled back and said nothing as I zipped up my bag and headed for the door. Then she said
“Is this all he paid?”
I turned around and with a straight face I said,
She smiled and said okay.
“Remember that phone you said you wanted?”
I nodded as she continued,
“I’ll get it for you, okay?”
I smiled and said,
I was already out the room when she called my name.
I responded and came back and then she said,
“You know mummy loves you right?”
I smiled outwardly as I cringed inside and replied,
“Yes, I do”
I exited the room and headed up to my room. I began taking off my clothes and I pulled the money out of my socks and pushed it into a hole I had created inside the mattress on the corner facing the wall. I pulled out the money I had there before and rolled the new cash into it and then stuffed it back in. I hopped into the shower where I scrubbed like I had just had an encounter with a skunk. Everything needed to come off; all my filth and dirt. I kept thinking about my mother; my real mother and then my sister. I had just found out about two years prior that I had a sister that my mother had never told me about before she died. The usual morning weeping session began as you might have figured by now, I have cried a lot. I headed out the shower and into my room. Of the kids living in the home all 5 of us, I was the only one that had a room to myself.
I dried myself off and crawled under my sheets. I turned my cell phone over and the time said “6:58am”.
I was about to place the phone down when my girlfriend texted me,
“Hey baby, good morning. Hope you slept well. I just wanted to say I love and I can’t wait to see you for dinner tonight. Have a great day.
I smiled as I placed the phone down.
Her name was Zoey. She was amazing.
Please don’t judge me, you don’t know enough; yet.
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Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated.
Lookout for part 2 next week.
© 2014 #WhatTheHeckMan