So take a break from what you’re doing for a second and Think With Me. Here’s brief insight into the mind of #WhatTheHeckMan’s guest writer Dr. K aka @bmorenigerian Follow @bmorenigerian on Twitter. It got me thinking and I’m curious to find out what you’re thinking… so hey, would you “Think With Me”
Swim Good by Frank Ocean
Here’s Dr. K
So I was having a dope iMessage conversation with an old friend I respect. She’s a huge woman’s rights activist in the DMV & great at what she does. In the midst of our conversation, she asked, “Kay, give me your honest, professional opinion of how you feel about a man hitting a woman? Do you agree with lifetime bans? ”
We’ve already established that hitting is a no-no. The abuser is completely wrong & should deal with the consequences to his stupidity. (Wow, I said “his”. Hmm). In my reply, I questioned why we immediately condemn everyone, without giving opportunities for rehabilitation… & I addressed a little bit of society’s hypocrisy.
Don’t kill me, please. This is me losing my blogpost virginity.
Here’s my response to a friend:
I challenge myself to understand others, & not immediately condemn actions. And even doing that & saying this, there are still things I feel are reprehensible…especially when it comes to the violation of others. I can’t stand preying on the weak. I’ve seen it up close, & seen what it can do to someone’s psyche. Taking your frustrations out on others… It’s heinous. But it’s hard for me to give a black & white reaction in a world we know nothing really is (black & white).
The ones I DETEST are the ones that are stuck in their sick ways. The ones that don’t see the wrong or fault in the way they view women or the way they treat women, & are unwilling to get help. The ones that terrorize the weak. Deceive us that they’re great people, but are secretly performing sordid acts. One with a history of violence, repeat offenders. They sicken me. Like an addict who sees no wrong in doing drugs. Or an addict that tells you they’ve quit, but secretly shoots up. They need to be awakened & taught a lesson.
But, I think it’s ok to believe some people are open to growth, learning, & rehab. I believe you can attest to the fact that people make mistakes, especially when inebriated (benefit of the doubt here). Some people do wholeheartedly want help. Do we abandon them at their time of need? Do you think it’s wise to throw an addict to the curb? Do you believe in punishment without showing the culprit the error of their ways? Believe it or not, not all of us grew up with the same ideals, lessons, experiences, beliefs. And how one is as an adult can be a manifestation of that upbringing that was filled with mis-education. Some need an education, a proper education. Some people only learn fire is hot by grabbing the frying pan.
Sometimes in life, you need to lose something to win. Really wish we didn’t have to go through something to grasp the magnitude of a lesson fully, but we’ve all been there; in a situation where we didn’t listen & PAID badly for finding out firsthand what everyone already warned us about, & it’s helped us grow.
If someone is willing to admit they have a problem, & are willing to genuinely get help & get better, I’m all for it. Let’s kill the cancer before it spreads further.
I think it’s ok to condemn an action & also root for a person to change their life around. I’ve seen the “hopeless” go clean, & subsequently help others turn their lives around. I’ve seen criminals discover the wrong in their behavior, learn there’s a better way to approach life, learn responsibility, change their attitude & become helpers, doctors, lawyers, pastors, heroes…upstanding citizens, publicly & privately.
I’m questioning myself as I write, because again, I feel deeply for victims of deplorable exploits, and my first thought is the death penalty. But is that really fair? Who is my sinning ass to make that call?
I don’t have all the solutions, Sway. I do think all this conversation is great though. Silver lining. We get to slowly bring attention & awareness to the bigger issue, domestic violence, including all forms of abuse. Meaning bad treatment & verbal abuse, & the damage it leaves that may not show in your IG pics. Not just DV/DA, but also our violent culture as a whole. We need to get to a point where we’re frowning at men beating men, women beating women, & even women beating men with the same level of dissatisfaction. Zero tolerance clears the blurred lines, rids scenarios & circumstances.
*Goes off topic* Is it ok for a woman to attack a man because she may have an excuse *coughs Solange*? Is it ok for women to beat on each other, & for us to find entertainment in that *coughs ratchet TV*? Are the bruises they leave on each other not as important? I get that there’s a psychological factor that makes the situation different. Getting beat up by someone who is supposed to love & protect you, is a violation of trust & safety. That’s why I mentioned that we’d hopefully get to the bigger issue one day.
*Back to the issues/questions at hand*…
Does a despicable act make you a despicable person? Can you be a “good” person & make a bad decision? Is everyone that fucks up big deserved of being judged (forever) by their past discretion? Is everyone that fucks up incapable of genuinely getting better?
Why the hell are we here if we don’t believe no one can be saved?
Think with me.
Oh by the way, while you’re saying no to second chances, could you turn that new CB album a little bit so I can hear you clearly? Also, can you be sure to post your “MCM Ochocinco” when everyone goes to bed? Wait, how much did you say those Solange tickets were again?
Engage in the conversation with feedback. How did this make you think? COMMENT!!! We’ll talk back…
The End
Thank you for reading and commenting. You are highly appreciated.
Great points! I def feel this side of the debate is rarely spoken on….possibly out of fear that they will be shunned “unpopular opinion.” So quick….to condemn and judge. Unfortunately that doesn’t always assist the individuals in the help they need. The help that could one day help others. Love the points made!
i think we are all a little blind in situations like these, in cases of violence , I feel more for the one who hits than the one who is hit. The offender is so broken. i mean how do you get so angry, so angry that you become violent? you must be at war in your head. i think the offender is fighting battles within that onlookers know nothing of. At least we can see the victim and know how to help but what happens to this fellow whose battles have no witnesses. In my time here, I have come to understand that everything stems from something, there is always a root. None of us was born with hate in our heart, we learnt it here. Violence, abuse of which ever sort can only be dealt with only if we try to ‘fix’ these offenders. About second chances, why give up on someone that God has not yet given up on. I believe in many more chances. We all ought to help each other out here!
I genuinely appreciate this topic and wish that there would be continued civil widespread conversation. As for the points aforementioned, he touches on a lot of grey areas regarding abuse, mistakes, how many mistakes can one make, and the list goes on.
When advocating for a no tolerance level in relation to physical, mental abuse against females, as a society we hush over physical and mental abuse against males. Why is it not equally a taboo? Why in a similar elevator situation, where there was a “billion dollars in an elevator”, it became a comedic spectacle with blame being pointed at not the aggressor but the victim.
What did Jay-z do? Why didn’t Beyonce step in? He must have deserved it.
No one, male or female, deserves to be physically abused. If you can not deal with your anger without having to put your hands on someone, then that is the bigger issue, and the one we should be addressing.
One can still advocate and sympathize with the victim, and still be concerned with the well being of the aggressor. They need help! We all do if you think about it!
As for the aggressor, rather than shunning and condemning him or her, we need to locate the root of the issue and focus on PREVENTION. And the only way to do that is to use that specific situation as and example and learn from it. We cannot dwell on this one persons mistake who probably did not even know why they were acting in that particular way. Yes, they have to deal with the consequences of their actions? Yes, that mistake will have to follow them the rest of their life. But will they have to continuously be judged and tormented by that one mistake? I’m pretty sure they are judging their damn self. They would have to live with that. Their consequences are not only the ones we implement on them, but the ones that go unseen. The ones that they have to see and feel before they go to sleep. Who am I to not forgive, when God forgives me, A fellow human being who makes mistakes, small or big.
In the end, let it be that the consequences we implement on them is AID. Assistance in understanding their anger and whatever issue that causes them to lash out on other human beings.
Great points Dr. Kay.
Dope Dope Dope. Great view points
Great write up and spot on points!very good topic for your first piece,i agree with your points on physical abuse such behaviour is triggered from a psychological event in that person’s life why I say this is because from general observations he/she has seen or experienced some form of violence. But at the same time it’s no excuse for anyone to physically hurt anyone.
But it’s because of the society/culture we come from that’s why most people tend to be judge mental,no one likes to be judged but at the same time is quick to pass out judgement on someone else. So far my sin is not as terrible or hurtful as the beater I have a right unconsciously to judge that’s what goes through most people’s mind.
Also like u said it’s the ones that are not repentant that I get annoyed with like why????can’t they just see they have a problem so they can be helped.
Being someone who witnessed my mother being hit by a stepfather a few times(i was in my late teens/early twenties)and not being able to do anything about it because he was triple my size,it scarred me for a while and affected me for a long time brought out the very judge mental side of me till like two years ago when I attended bible school which taught me so much about forgiveness and how helping people heal their psychological wounds help them become better people and also growing older,so now when I hear stories of abuse if I start to judge then remember who am I to judge when I sin God forgives me I just pray and ask for forgiveness on their behalf. I also believe in making them aware of the negative impact and effect it has on others in their surrounding and showing them love no matter what it can be hard to show such behaviour but it’s worth the try.
Dr Kay made great points in this post . it’s a shame domstic violence is not a topic that can be openly discussed without you bring criticised for your own personal opinion . Violence is wrong full stop . And yes everyone should be given a second chance , if even the victim has forgiven their abuser , why are you still punishing them ??